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I hate, despise alcoholism. It turns the person into a monster. I had to deal with a monster last night and it was hell. The more he drank, he worse his behavior. He went of the deep end. I was laying down in the bedroom, as I was tired. I could hear him in the living room saying he wants to be santa clause and be the good man. Then, when I would not participate with him, he got mad. He kept coming into the bedroom to harass me. I ignored him. The more I ignored him the worse he got. Finally, he snapped and came into the bedroom, as I was asleep, after putting ear plugs in and grabbed the blankets off me, calling me ever name under the book, you c**t, b**,ect.. Then he attempted to grab me, that is when I lost it. I punched him in the face with a fist. I just snapped. He left the bedroom and he finally got the message and he left the bedroom. I had been telling him over and over to leave me alone for hours and he just did not listen. He just kept at me, over and over again, calling me filthy names, degrading me, stumbling around, and I finally snapped. I just could not deal with it anymore. I know it was wrong for me to punch him with a closed fist but he had grabbed me and that was enough to break my limit. I will protect myself. He finally went to bed at 6 am this morning and he was calling me the devil, a b**, ect from the living room.
Good news, I had some sleep. Yaa. I am so now determined to leave him for good. I do not deserve this. I have to and I just need to take the actions. We were to go on a road trip, I guess that is out of the question. I hate his guts, I have lost all love and respect for him. I just have no love for him left and wish he were dead. That is how much I have come to hate his guts. He disgust me.
I really needed to vent this out...I do not feel bad at all for what I did. He deserved it. I was pushed to my limit!
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 20th of December 2016 11:06:15 AM
Hey Joker,
I am very sorry to hear about this. I agree you do not deserve what he was doing to you. From what I read I am quite concerned about your wellbeing and safety. The fact that he grabbed you is concerning, the fact that you felt no other option but to resort to physical violence is also concerning. I do hope you protect and ensure your safety. Not only protecting yourself from the physical violence but protecting yourself from acting on your anger and hatred towards him. I strongly urge you to find some peace for yourself in whatever way that you can. You don't have to stay in any situation until you snap. I have heard many stories from family members and al anon friends where they recount their sanity being so compromised by the effects of the disease that they fear they may have resorted to serious violence towards the alcoholic. Do what you have to do to prevent that and keep yourself safe.
Whoever told you you couldn't protect yourself "with a closed fist"....... lied. Is it more spiritual to lay there like a doormat, allowing a beloved child of God to be harmed and abused??
Does it feel like life has been pushing and PUSHING to get your full attention...? that's how it felt for me until I became willing to COOPERATE with God in the protection and care of myself as one of God's own. God needed my cooperation. I could no longer keep doing the same thing over and over... and over and over..... while praying and crying, "Do something!!!"
God needed a commitment..... a solid decision and belief that I matter... we're all here to fulfill soul dreams. So I applaud what you have learned through this man... an instrument of God sent for YOU to learn exactly what you know today....... "I do not deserve this" ....that sounds like truth to me.
(Awareness.... Acceptance...... Action)
When I decided the same thing years ago... the LETTING GO of.... not just a person but.... that energy... that chaos... that crazy, unpredictable insanity.... attaching myself instead to the idea of receiving from God EVERYTHING I've been wanting from this man... demanding that it MUST come from THIS person.... I surrendered that demand to God, hanging onto God alone, letting go of outcomes.... only to receive more peace, more joy, and more love in my life....
God welcomed me with open arms. It is my spiritual responsibility which environment I place myself in... where I am able to grow closer to God and make progress... I get free will to make this choice.... this is within my power. and it does not look the same for everyone.
I am so proud of you (((my friend)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 20th of December 2016 12:24:55 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 20th of December 2016 03:06:48 PM
You don't deserve this at all. I agree with 2HP, you are not to apologize for defending yourself. That sounds like a very stressful situation to be in and I pray for your strength right now (((hugs)))
Joker you are human and engaged with the madness that was coming at you. Instead of engaging in the insanity, I have called the police at times such as this and it was the right decision.
Please take care of yourself. When I felt the urge to "Kill " my husband I knew it was time to leave It did not matter where i went(I did go to a sister's home with my son and the cat) i had to leave and I did.
That was what we both needed to begin to recover. Prayers on the way
Betty wrote: "...... When I felt the urge to "Kill " my husband I knew it was time to leave..."
I absolutely agree on this, violence escalates and gets bigger every time.
From our book How Al-Anon Works: "A special word to anyone confronted with violence... those of us facing violent, potentially life-threatening situations may have to make immediate choices to ensure the safety of ourselves and our children..... it is not necessary to decide how to resolve the situation once and for all - only how to get out of harm's way until this process of awareness, acceptance, and action can free us to make choices for ourselves that we can live with."
"Anyone who has been physically.... abused or even threatened may be terrified of taking any action at all. It can require everyone ounce of courage and faith to act decisively. But no one has to accept violence. No matter what seems to trigger the attack, we all deserve to be safe."
you can do it. YES you can (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 20th of December 2016 11:50:22 PM
From experience, this type of crap gets worse not better. It sounds like insanity to me not self defence. I hope as the non drinker you can do something logical like get help for yourself.
(((Joker))) - sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. My experience is as the disease progresses so does the insanity. Insanity reaches beyond thoughts as it progresses, and reaches beyond the qualifier. Your share speaks volumes about how our program works. Sharing your ESH with us is a great start for your next steps.
It took me a long while in recovery to truly accept, believe and feel the presence of a HP in my life. I had relied on self-will for so very, very long that I resisted this unintentionally. I know now, as in the footprints poem, that each time I felt alone and full of fear, I truly was being carried by one who is wiser, stronger and smarter than I. Domestic violence often comes up fast/furiously - even with years in the program, personal instinct will prevail for self preservation.
We all deserve peace in our hearts and a safe place to rest. Surrender to the program and you will be well on the way. (((hugs))) for healing.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
He sounds like a really sick man Joker. His behaviour is that of a really sick man. You have been in this kind of dangerous position before. It won't just stop by magic, its gets worse and worse until YOU do the right thing. Its not about him changing or doing the right thing, hes sick and getting sicker with short periods of less chaos in between. What are you waiting for? You have your flat set up, your plan B. What is it that is stopping you living in safety and peace when you have it right there? If you take an honest look at you, what is motivating you to live this way? then you might be able to free yourself from the merrygoround otherwise prepare for more and more of the same over and over again for years if you want.
