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I've been in al anon a little over six years and have worked with my sponsor for five of those. Working with her has been incredible. I trust her implicitly. My life has changed through al anon. But it's been very difficult, and very slow--as it is for many of us. Throughout this time I've been wholly inconsistent with checking-in with her. I've gone in and out of consistency with my entire program, but during all of it, I've kept coming back, and I've experienced profound change through the steps. I'm now consistent in the rest of my al anon program, and I sponsor two women and it's AWESOME.
She's been very gentle with me, aware of my history of abuse, control and punishment as a child of alcoholism. She's always guided me to keep coming back, to call no matter what when I can and that she won't punish me or fire me as a sponsee. However, I need to change my pattern of disconnecting from my sponsor. And she's stated the same. I'm on my sixth step. I feel utterly defeated by my inability to be consistent and accountable. It's in all areas of my life, but shows up the most with my sponsor. It's a profoundly destructive defect. It's challenging, because I know that my character defects are in god's hand, and that it's futile to try and fight them. I'm praying and doing a ton of step work around this challenge.
Has anyone else struggled so intensely with lack of accountability, reliability, not keeping commitments or your word, and being inconsistent with their sponsor--and can share experience, strength and hope in how they've moved through that or what it was like for them, what they did, and what it's like now?
Welcome Ilovelucy I cannot shed any light on this particular issue because when I made my commitment to my sponsor, we set up a rather rigid schedule which I made sure i kept. I needed to call her each weekday before 9 AM, make an asset and gratitude list when I called and that kept me connected to the program an my commitment to my sponsor.
I guess i would suggest that you examine what works for youand come up with a schedule that you feel you can honor.
Could it be that you are taking the working of the program for granted and no longer have the pressure of active alcoholism dysfunction to urge more determination. That happens and I went thru that for a while early on. Not using it as a justification for you. This is a one day at a time program and that is not reason to work it with my old tools because my old tools abetted the insanity and fatal nature of alcoholism in my life. When I slacked I got my old personality back and with it the problems it caused in spades.
I had to have a goal and picture of myself which I wanted to become until that became real and urgent. When I made it urgent I worked it as suggested including adding step and tradition meetings to my menu. When I became aware that the program does indeed work as was mentioned..."It works when you work it" that became a pattern for me with tons of old timers around me to mirror how that was supposed to be.
I am a made man today in recovery because of the influence of the old timers....Keep coming back...You are responsible. ((((hugs))))
I can relate to all you share here. I have a lovely sponsor who is fantastic and I too am inconsistent about checking in with her. We never established a time or days etc so its pretty informal. I think this can be okay though, if it works for both people then its not the wrong way to do it. Ive shared a step 4,5 and 6 with her but shes a lot older than me and i'm reluctant to share another more honest step 4 with her because im worried the age difference will effect the whole thing. Part of me thinks this is copping out and I even spoke to a younger member about sharing my step 4 but im thinking this is not the way to go. I should trust her, trust the process because she is part of my recovery from my shortcomings and lack of trust in others is one of them. So this is my experience and I get where your coming from. I wish I could be of more help.
Welcome ilovelucy to MIP. I don't know that I can relate completely to what you describe, but can share my experience....
In recovery, there were times when I felt better, so assumed I was 'better' or 'well'. I would then change up my priorities. Then I would wonder why old patterns and habits resurfaced. What I've come to understand for me/my personality is maintenance is a better approach for consistency.
I've had to practice saying No and realistic commitments - I was one who would over promise and under deliver or suffer trying to meet/exceed all that I committed to. So, it's a daily conscious effort to make a plan and stick to it - whether for recovery, chores, service, other.
I came to recovery with very black/white thinking. I was either all in or couldn't be bothered - and this was consistent - cleaning, exercise, healthy eating, recovery, meditating, etc. I have had to change up many old thinking patterns to be less black/white. It's been helpful across all areas of my life and especially with my thinking and recovery.
Keep coming back - the three As came to mind also - Awareness, Acceptance & Action.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I came to recovery with very black/white thinking. I was either all in or couldn't be bothered - and this was consistent - cleaning, exercise, healthy eating, recovery, meditating, etc. I have had to change up many old thinking patterns to be less black/white. It's been helpful across all areas of my life and especially with my thinking and recovery.
This is certainly true for me, and is so frustrating. You also said that the daily making of a plan and sticking to it is part of your recovery--what does that look like for you and how do you do that?
When you said, "I have had to change up many old thinking patterns..." how did you do that and what was that like?
Thank you for the 3 A's reminder. That's exactly where I am with this. Thank you for your help!
Wow, thank you for this powerful and helpful response. My old tools are certainly abetting the insanity of alcoholism, and when I slack I get my old personality back. That's totally it.
I had to have a goal and picture of myself which I wanted to become until that became real and urgent. When I made it urgent I worked it as suggested including adding step and tradition meetings to my menu. When I became aware that the program does indeed work as was mentioned..."It works when you work it" that became a pattern for me with tons of old timers around me to mirror how that was supposed to be.
What was your picture of yourself that was strong enough to became urgent, even through the times when you weren't on fire and didn't feel the need to work a program? Can you tell me more about your menu, what does "working it" look like for you?
I'm realizing from your comment, that I don't exactly have tons of old timers around me. I recently participated a group inventory for my home-group, and it became clear that there's a lack of sponsorship and that sort of old-timer strength in the meeting. I know there are strong members in my homegroup, but I don't know how to tap into that. What did it look like for you, having the old timers around to mirror that? Would you call them, or just share in meetings and they'd talk to you, or did you solicit their guidance?
I think I need to start going some other meetings. My sponsor moved out of town and I don't see her in meetings anymore. I think I may have a resentment, too, of the fact that she set the precedent that this kind of communication was okay in the beginning. And I can't imagine doing that with my sponsees, today. I think I would recognize the challenge and try to help them. But that's a foolish resentment, because it really was what I needed when I was so new and petrified. I was like a little slip of paper in some ways.
Thanks for the help and the hugs, Jerry F. :) Much appreciated
Thank you for the identification! It's really helpful. Wow, I get why you're struggling with your sponsor right now and doing this next 5th step. That sounds really challenging. I identify so much with that moment when my character defects are blocking me from the alanon work, even when I really want it. What are you afraid will happen if you this really honest 5th step to her?
Also, nice work on a super honest 4th. I'm going through my 6th, listing my shortcomings, and I feel like this is harder and more vulnerable than any 4th step i've ever written. I've been able to be brutally honest with my defects and what they're doing behind the scenes, and I'm really nervous to share it with my sponsor. It's like the gig is up. I'm going to have to take a deep breath and remember that I am ready to have these removed. I'm ready to live differently. So much has changed for me in recovery, SO MUCH that I never thought could possibly change. I have to put my trust in my HP that these things, too, can be lessened or removed.
Hey ilovelucy - It is through trial and error that I've made my structured days. In accordance with program suggestions, I do what I can to keep it simple. My brain runs on overdrive and always had so being still and meditating in a perfect quiet setting is very hard for me! So - I learned to love mornings as a start!
Before recovery, I woke up anxious and dreading what the day might bring.
In recovery, I flipped this and became grateful that I woke up and get another day. That's how I start my day - Thankful to my HP for the gift of life and another day to be of service. (I start working on ego when I first open my eyes as it's what often get's me in the most trouble)...I am lucky enough to have a step up bathtub with carpet, so after a restroom stop, I usually hit my knees for a bit. It's a short stop as my God knows I have trouble being still and holding still and smiles on me and enjoys my energy!
While coffee is brewing, I do my stretches. I've come to respect a deep connection for me between my mind, spirit and body. I usually read one/two/more morning meditations with my first cup of coffee. When I am done with that, I either walk my dog and talk with my HP or I'll run on the treadmill here - also with HP. I have a FitBit and my daily goal is 15k steps. That's just me - any exercise is better than no exercise and it helps me feel good about me. I love my earbuds and listen to Christian Rock while I'm active. So, my morning routine goals are to work my body, my spirit and my mind in alignment with a spiritual existence.
So - for me to set a routine, it's something I enjoy. I don't enjoy reading a bible or sitting still so I don't. I enjoy being active and multi-tasking, so I do. What matters for me is consistency. I see my sponsor twice a week at meetings and we talk/get together once a week beyond meetings. I go to three meetings typically a week and do service work at two. I'm also the treasurer for one group and play softball (during the seasons) with 3 other groups.
Having a routine gives me purpose and satisfaction in self-care. I was so busy taking care of others before recovery that all of this was uncomfortable and foreign to me. I do not over-extend myself any more and look for being consistent in my actions and days. This is so very helpful for me to maintain my serenity. I am semi-retired & self-employed, so if I need a break, I give me one. If I need to talk, I call someone. I heard early on that you can act your way to right thinking but you can't think your way to right actions. This made so much sense to me and when I am discontent or unsettled, I either exercise, read literature, call a program friend/sponsor, etc. All that I do each day is about me, self-care, program and spiritual growth.
In the other side of the program, it's suggested that we ask our HP to keep us sober each morning and thank him each night - on knees. So - I've done that for years. When I started Al-Anon, I expanded my AM & PM prayers and ask for my 4 S's - Sobriety, Serenity, Sanity and of Service. I focus on each of these through-out my day and am thankful each night for any growth I had and/or any growth opportunities shown to me.
Sorry for the novel - my best suggestion is build your self-care around things you enjoy! I'm also a big foodie and love, love, love good food. Of course, most of my preferred meals are 'comfort food' and not always super healthy based on today's studies. So, I cook often and experiment with ways to make my favorites healthier.
If you struggle with procrastination (I did/do), daily lists help - keeping them simple. A loving sponsor who is program-centered will understand drifts in growth, commitment, etc. I am grateful we don't judge each other or have to pass any tests - that would truly mess with my spirit....we do the best we can with what we got and some days, I got more than others! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When I got to Al-Anon I knew nothing and I didn't know that I didn't know. I didn't know even if I wanted to change anything. The only thing I knew was that I was living with a whole lot of insanity that came with the awareness that "I" was crazy. I didn't know why I walked, talked and acted the way I did I was so nuts. Along the way with the program and sponsorship and counseling I heard the question, "Do you know what you look like and sound like when you are not getting your way"? I didn't and needed feed back on myself so I learned to ask others in and out of the program what they saw from me and the responses bothered me deeply. They didn't even come close to how I imagined myself and it made me sick. The fellowship loved me and the professionals cared. My VA counselor once asked me to promise him that if I ever got angry at anything he said that I wouldn't cross the room and violate him. That made me weep that anyone who was trying to help me would need that promise. It still hurts my spirit a lot. That became part of the picture, the fear of me, that I needed to change. Did my alcoholic/addict wife feel that way? Yes she did and on one occasion even said she deserved the abuse she got. Not even real or true even I didn't believe it and I had to change to stop it from becoming worse which took a long while.
Alcoholism nurtures the insanity that comes in it and it is progressive so the feeling I came to only got worse...I wasn't the person I thought I was or wanted to be, I was the exact opposite. My son told me at the age of 39 that he once when standing next to heard the thought "you better be careful, this man is dangerous". His mother was my first addict. I hated living in and with her addiction and arrived at the choice of fighting my way thru it. I saw and imagined myself as a calm, loving, peaceful person. That is the picture of myself I wanted to claim. Our program was opposite and most times very different than how I lived then. My habitual default thinking, feeling and behaving came from anger and rage and was covered with a thick layer of denial. When I didn't know that I didn't know it was easy to deny what others saw as the reality...I just did. The urgency was supported by honest 4th steps and talking about them with my sponsor and others in recovery; many of whom I shared similarities with mind, body, spirit and emotions. "Listen for the similarities was a guide from my sponsor that led me to understand that there wasn't much difference between members and my denial went by the wayside". Early on I use to shake my head side to side when some one was sharing and I became concerned until my sponsor gave me the "similarity lesson" and when I was able to do that my head started nodding in recognition and empathy and compassion as I listened to "my story" from some one else. Most of the fellowship I met with were women and they rebuilt me with their shares and I came to understand really that there was only two differences between members...age and gender otherwise I wasn't much different than anyone else in the rooms and my denial went away forever. I was a full member in and of the program.
My menu consisted of the directions I got in the rooms mainly from the old timers (anyone with one more meeting than I was an old timer and got special attention from me...I wanted what they had) so I hung close to them. 90 meetings in 90 days? ...I did 102. Get literature and read it all...We have the library including the monthly Forum. Sponsorship...the rule for me is get one who works the program constantly and I have varied it a bit since my elder sponsors die on me I have a younger sponsor now with a solid understanding of recovery and wide understanding of my history in the disease including knowing me and knowing how I got here and how. The relationship is awesome...he doesn't have a time limit and he has a great memory. Including that he is from the same culture I was born and raise next to...He is Hawaiian and spiritually based. Mahalo Akua...Thank You Creator Father.
"Working it" for me is about duplication. Duplication for me is the understanding of finding the consequences I want first and then doing the work to get that. My first sponsor Don T taught me that one because I seemed always to be an accident looking for a place and time to happen and he knew I could choose what I wanted first and then do the thing to get it or get close to it. That is one of the "it works when you work it" that way. He gave me many behavioral jewels...."When in doubt...Don T (don't)" was another. "Don't react...respond" which has the value of thinking first with it and not just jumping". Duplication also is "if I do what the winners do I will get what the winners also get"...and I have. Today I am a made man. My life today is the program(s) that I have been allowed to watch, ask about, follow thru on and practice while asking for feedback from the teachers. The large majority of teachers in my program have been women not men and so I feel beyond blessed that I came to loose faith in the women because of my qualifiers and then regained my life and sanity from the ones in recovery. I came to understand and forgive and love my own mother thru the women in program.
What was my urgency?...I had arrived at the life or death line when I found Al-Anon; death from several forms including alcohol and....My life wasn't so much colorful and interesting as it was a death wish that was near to coming true even when I didn't know it. My Higher Power was standing with me even when I was doing everything to cause HP to loose interest and leave...HP never did and I am beyond amazed.
I have had more than my share of real miracles I think, than those who found me, stuck with me and helped to turn my life around. My higher power has called me to help others including at a time my own parents and family and so I keep practicing, practicing, practicing.
When you find an old timer ask them for help...follow them and ask them if they will help you with some concern...I have never ever been denied.
Today I am most often the person I needed to be...kind, loving, compassionate and empathetic. I cannot remember the last time my hand has closed into a fist in rage and anger and I respect others as children of God and therefore gifts in my life.
