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I knew this was creeping up. Our 11 yr old is has been having issues sleeping, wanting to stay home from school...
My A works at his school, so he is going to her and has a list of ailments... headaches, stomach aches, sore thoat. She was taking him to the doctor this morning after another rough night and he told her that yes, our arguing is upsetting him.
I am at a loss for how to really talk to him about what's really going on. We talked last night about the fact that yes we have been disagreeing on some stuff lately, but people do that and it's ok. Talking to him about alcoholism and "the disease" and effects are so hard for me to do with him because she is in complete denial and would take that as attacking her. I'm not trying to protect her feelings as much as I don't want to throw jet fuel on a already bad situation with him in the middle.
Any level headed advise would help....
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hello again , our children are affected by alcoholism period. The best way to deal with children is to tell them the truth. Mom has a drinking problelm a disease and when she drinks it causes her to react in a certain manner. Explain to him that it is not his fault , kids think it is because of them tht they drink. Encourage him to not take the arguments personally etc. every we learn in al anon just bring it down to kid level. We print a great book for pre teens called WHATS DRUNK MAMA ? it is a great way for kids to understand what is going on in thier homes. Teachs them about the disease and encourages them to respect and contine to love the alcoholic. At your meetings ask if someone could order u one or find out where the local literature depot is. May be able to order from amazon .
If u can't find it perhaps a alateen daily reader would help him also , small red book like our ODAT thiers is called ADAT
I'm with Louise on this..... you are unlikely to gain the blessing and endorsement from your wife, if she is in full denial. The truth, as best you know it, is always the best. I used that book "What's drunk Mama", even though my kids were a lot younger than 11 at the time. You always sound very balanced on your approach, so you shouldn't have trouble being level and non-judgemental in dealing with your son.... Your wife is likely to accuse you of "bad mouthing" her, etc., but your son needs both you, AND the truth, right now.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think you must be honest and give him as much information as an 11 year old can understand. Probably more than you think! He deserves to know the whole truth. Perhaps knowing will help his sleep problem and behavioral problems if he is exhibiting them too.
I am not too much into giving a child a book to read. A personal conversation is what's needed here. Good luck, Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 16:56, 2006-03-21
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
No matter what we do, we cannot protect our children from alcoholism and the effects of it. They see it all around them. The best we can do is be completely honest with them in an age appropriate way. We needed to understand that we are not at fault, and that nothing we can do will change it, well the little ones need to know that as well.
They need to know that report cards, or messy rooms or the spilt milk at dinner was not what made Mommy or Daddy drink.
