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This is our first Christmas with out our AS. Months have gone by since my ex and I have really had any contact with our AS. He has sent several emails with awful content and asking for his belongings, but really other than that we have been Astranged. My ex and I discussed Christmas presents and decided we weren't sending any. I actually was very firm about it. I told my ex, that my present to him would be a payment on his student loan that I co-singed on. (Talk about enabling, that's a whole other story). Last night my ex told me he is sending presents to him. We aren't even sure that he is at the last place he moved to. He and his girlfriend wear out their welcome within a week or 2. Regardless of that, I am torn. I'm doubting myself about not sending him anything. In my heart, sending him something would put in his mind that I accept his lifestyle. (Enabling) On the other hand, if I don't send him anything and he gets something from his dad, do I become even more more hated. I guess hate is hate. I know I can't change my ex's mind on this so I'm not even going to try. But by him doing thiis I feel like he is enabling him and our progress to recovery is set back again. Any words of encouragement would be appreciated. Also, has anyone been through a similar situation and if so what did you do and what was the outcome. Thanks for letting me ramble on. Another sleepless night. Beth
((Beth))) . This is indeed a painful time and I have experienced a similar situation. Since we are powerless over people places and things, I would let go of the fact that your ex is sending presents, not compete with him, and then look within to see what was best the action for me.
I do believe that making the payment on the student loan is a greatest gift that you can give and I would send a card with well wishes and that would be all.
My son passed from this disease, so I must admit that in the end I gave him presents and gifts in an attempt to to manipulate him into treatment. None of it worked.
The last year of his life he asked me not to buy him any gifts as "he felt that did not deserve them. " I bought them anyway
Sending positive thoughts and prayers to you and your family
I always bought my daughter gifts. She would always let me know what she wanted in the way of lotions and make up, brands I had never heard of. She passed from this cunning baffling and powerful disease in May. I miss the calls telling me exactly what she wanted, driving me nuts with her requests. I am glad I got her gifts.
Alison
akk and hot rod my heartfelt prayers to yo both. No matter the length of time that has passed since our loved ones departed, I think Christmas can be a particularly hard time to be without the ones we loved dearly. Tannersmom. I would say do what is in your heart and is best for you at this time and let go of the outcome either way. There is no right or wrong. Your son knows you love him, but is clouded right now by the disease.
Hi tannersmom, welcome, and sorry to hear of your troubles. I don't have direct experience with your specific situation, but certainly with some of the underlying issues.
I struggled to get through them until I was able to attend AlAnon meetings on a regular basis and read and meditate daily on the healthy perspectives and tools that were found there. I hope you are able to do the same as you work through the choices and decisions before you. Hang in there, our thoughts are with you
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
(((Tannersmom))) - I have 2 sons who have pawned almost anything/everything nice I've ever gifted to them. They've been in/out of recovery and it's been a long, strange, sad, fearful journey often. Working the Al-Anon program with complete honesty and a sponsor, I've found peace in my powerlessness over their journey. It still brings me great sadness, yet so long as there is still breath, there is still hope.
Betty & Alison - may God bring you memories of joyful, happy times of you loved/lost ones. Nothing I can do can affect your pain/loss, but know that I am praying for peace for both of you.
As far as gifts go, mine owe me money. When I set boundaries in recovery, I closed the bank. I asked each to set up a payment plan. It ebbs/flows as they are not good with money, but it's no longer a point of contention. Each holiday/birthday, I give a card and share that $xx has been deducted from their debt.
I've always been a practical gift-giver. I'm the silly woman who would rather have a new vacuum cleaner than jewelry...My boys know this about me and have enough manners today (not always) to just say Thank you....progress and not perfection is what it's about. They seem to value possessions more if they laid out the $$ for them - which is fine ... it's about growing up!
I'm with Paul - the closer you are able t align with the program and working your recovery, these things seem to get easier and we're led to the best decision based on what we know in our head/heart.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
