The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's page addresses our tendency to put the blame for our pain onto someone else. We may resist this truth, but the reality is that we are partly responsible when we take offense or feel hurt from the actions of another.
The good news is this means that our mental wellbeing is not completely subject to the actions of others. We get to decide how we will respond.
Reminder: Since we are the "Captain of our soul", we chart the course for the spiritual waters we sail and therefore, our state of mind. Blaming others for where we find ourselves delays spiritual growth.
"Nothing can work damage to me except myself; the harm that I sustain I carry about with me and never am a real sufferer except by my own fault." - Emerson
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I still fight this one sometimes...it is a guilty pleasure to shift the responsibility for my mood or feeling onto someone else. Unfortunately, that fleeting pleasure gives way quickly to anger, frustration, and a feeling of helplessness, spurring on efforts to get them to change so that I feel better.
This happens less and less often as I accept my powerlessness over alcohol and others and embrace the power I hold to change my attitude, responses to what I hear, and the course that I have charted for myself.
Blaming others does not help me, and in fact prolongs my suffering. With the help of AlAnon and my higher power, I can take responsibility for my feelings and make needed adjustments in my perception. I am very grateful for AlAnon's reminder that I have a choice
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Oh what a cracker of a reading this is. I couldnt believe it when I learned this and I got it right away, took a while to practice it though and put down my martyr/victim coat. This has freed me so much this little nugget of common sense. Imagine that? I get to decide if others have the power to hurt me? It belongs to me? Only my own thinnking can hurt me. Love this and thank you for your service.
Thank you Paul for the daily and your service. Thank you Paul and el-cee for your ESH. I consider myself reasonably intelligent yet when I heard this in meetings and read this in our literature, it was a new concept for me. I had grown up with a FOO who always looked for blame and who to shame along with it. This of course made me do the same and what freedom I gained when I learned I was the captain of my soul!!!
I still have to practice this and when I wonder away from my spiritual center, placing blame outside of myself instead of looking at my part and how I can do different/better, it almost starts a snowball effect. My thinking becomes distorted again and next you know, I am either having a pity party or believing all my issues would go away if only THEY WOULD.............................................
I am grateful for the program, tools, steps, fellowship and MIP - I am grateful for my progress in this program and most important - my renewed relationship with my HP. Make it a great Monday all!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good morning Paul and all, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this extremely important principle of the program. Growing up with the disease of alcoholism, blaming others for feelings and actions came as second nature to me.
Entering program and attempting to keep the focus on myself, I was able to discover that I had choices and was responsible for these feelings. People do what they do and I am powerless over that fact- my reaction to their behavior is my responsibility. Since I was always on automatic, my reactions were difficult to discern and to interrupt. Slowly but surely, using the slogans and the serenity prayer. I was able to not react, take a deep breath, own my feelings and myself and then respond in a healthy manner. I was astounded to see how well that worked.
Just this weekend I have needed to call on this tool extensively because my F00 is acting up in their holiday fashion and I am tempted to blast them all and refuse to attend the Holiday celebration. That would've been my old reaction, so instead I took a deep breath, said the serenity prayer and have not responded yet. I have calmed down considerably and will be able to present a reasonable conversation when I connect. Thank you Al-Anon and MIP
Hope everyone has a lovely day. Thanks for your service.
Expectations.........
But I didn't want to expect lesser behavior from my AH. I so looked up to him as being smart and loving...... when he wasn't I got angry and I became a victim. He wasn't acting like I expected him to act. When I lowered my expectations of him, I got less or the same, but I also hurt less.
Thank you Paul for the inspiration. I had to struggle with this concept a few days ago when my mother in law gave me parenting advise. Of course she had no ill intent and was only trying to be helpful, but I immediately took offense to what she said. I spent some time stuck in my head listing all the ways "she" had failed as a mother and stewing over her words. Then I took a pause, I prayed, and I read my Al Anon literature. I realized I was blaming my mother in law for my hurt when in all reality it was my own actions of playing the martyr that were causing my suffering. Going forward I choose to "let it begin with me" and focus on myself and change my own reaction and attitude to what others say and do.
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- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
The visual of 4 fingers pointing back at me while I am pointing at someone else's faults is a tremendous help to me. I need to look at how I contribute to any given situation where I am blaming someone else. Love this program.
