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My ex has been trying to convince me he's doing better, but he is still smoking weed all day, every day. Living on government assistance, taking money from people who are trying to help him.
Now I know well enough to know his bad decisions, I don't want to touch with a 10 foot pole.
With all the recent hype about marijuana being medical, he has himself convinced that he's just ahead of the legal game & that marijuana is helping him feel better.
Weed is accepted, alcohol is accepted too.
I believe both can be used recreationally. As we all know, those with addictive personalities don't do anything recreationally.
It's not affecting my life, because I'm not involved with him anymore. I do wonder if this is typical for those who have stopped drinking & consider themselves "sober".
To me, sobriety is not using anything (sex, gambling, drugs, drink) to numb out.
What's the concesus?
Addiction is addiction. Its pretty common in my experience for one substance to replace another. Different side effects maybe but the role it plays is the same. Having said that though, who is perfect? I had a good friend on methadone who was really a lovely witty caring person. She needed it to function after battling heroin addiction. Id never have known had she not told me two years into our friendship. Ditto nicotine addiction. Some people swap smoking for vaping. marijuana is a drug to me. I grew up in new zealand where pots common and pretty high quality. I don't know any users who aren't impaired by it in someway as opposed to assisted. I guess it depends on why one smokes. Medically it may have benefits: most if not all medicines have side effects. For a few cases those effects may be more tolerable than the illness? My 35.5 cents.
I have one qualifier who is currently on marijuana maintenance. My experience suggests what others do is not my concern and this applies with either hat I wear (AA or Al-Anon). I do believe that clean/sober suggests no mind altering/mood altering substances - it does not typically include other obsessions/addictions (gambling, shopping, etc.) Many in AA might make mention of other addictions but we are not to discuss outside issues and other addictions are considered outside isses.
Trust me, if I had my way (my will), he would not be using any chemical substance for any living reason/issue/problem/etc. I have no idea what God's plan is for me, let alone for another person. I know my boundaries are in place and this is behavior I accept, even if I don't like it. However, I also don't like liars, cheaters, womanizers, thieves, etc. We talk in both sides of the program about hanging with winners. In AA, when we are serious about our program, we are leaving behind old playmates and playgrounds. We also avoid slippery places, people, things - this is not just to avoid a drink - this is to also avoid slips in emotional sobriety.
Over the years, I've seen it all - NA members still drinking and AA members still using substances. I've seen many abuse retail therapy and more. At the end of the day, my best course of action is to pray for them and let go. I certainly don't JADE with anyone - especially those in an altered state. I step away with as much grace and dignity as I can gather in the present.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
From the AA perspective, it is important to remember that the traditions require that the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. The singleness of purpose tradition requires that other addictions (outside issues) not be discussed during meetings. And members should confine their sharing to their problems with alcoholism. Some groups are really stringent on the singleness of purpose, others are less so.
I may or may not believe that problems with other addictions mean someone is not clean and sober but that is not in CAL. I have known people on medical marijuana for intractable pain, nausea of chemo, relief from seizures and do not think that they have lost their sobriety.
It sure sounds like a good argument that he is ahead of the game using marijuana because it is medical. So are prescription drugs and look at the devastation those have caused in peoples lives. The point is, he will behave like an addict does and look for rationalizations of all his choices until he decides that he is done with that and chooses differently. I try not to concern myself with any talk of cross addiction in my loved ones as my opinion of their behaviour is irrelevant anyways and certainly not welcomed. It disrupts my focus and is a quick path to obsessing about all the bad things that could happen.
Great points. Thank you all for the discussion! I'm staying away from him for various reasons, I just wondered what the thought was on marijuana. There is evidence of its use medically, some may agree with it and some may not.
In my experience with him, it does calm him down. I can understand why he would want to use it. It's the addictive behaviour surrounding it (lying, manipulating, stealing etc) that makes me look at it differently & causes me to not want to involve myself. He crashed my car while high & lost two jobs when he was caught smoking at work. Took money from me and others to purchase. Many other instances that give me cause to put "excessive" smoking as a boundary that I won't tolerate. I told him I was happy he was doing well. No more than that.
I wonder if many perspectives will change about alcoholics and marijuana use if it happens to be fully legalized?
Sarah - wearing my AA hat for a minute, there is discussion about non-alcohol substances in the literature. It basically suggests only as prescribed. For me, that's a workable way to view it - I've had two babies in recovery and 2-4 surgeries. Pills was never my thing, so it was easy to take a few post situation and then flush the rest. I was a huge pot-head and it's not legal here. Even still, I know for me it would not be recreational, social or a good solution as a prescription.
In the case of my qualifier, I detach. I had to come to understand that I can't impose my experience, opinions or views on him/his life. What I focus on instead (my son so gotta see him) is what's working well. And there are many things - he's been employed for 2+ years for the same company with promotions, he's paying his bills, he's not doing worse (he was into H) and he stays in contact more than before. These are what popped into my mind just now - there are many more for sure. I just had to let him go and let God lead him and decided, "Who am I to say that smoking pot is not good for him?" I did it for years and well beyond his current age and nobody could have told me it was bad when I was 'there'...
We don't discuss 'this' at our meetings at it's not legal in our state. Most of those I attend with were also multi-substance abusers. We've grown up in the program being told substance-free is sobriety - the exception - prescribed meds. as directed. I've seen this actually lead some to relapse so the literature does also suggest they are given to another person to distribute instead of putting the pressure on the A to self-manage. Many do this - no matter length of sobriety.
I've never been to a meeting where one was not allowed to discuss other substances beyond alcohol. When I first began many moons ago, there was a desire to keep A separate from N(arcotics), but over the years, the meetings and many attendees cross-pollinate. Hope this helps!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
sarahGee- I think that the fact that he is clearly not in recovery is what's relevant. If he is dual addicted as so many people are these days and is not working a program, you have made the best decision you can to take care of yourself and work your own program in Al-Anon.
I have had the crashes car issue. That is hard to come back from. So is the being lied to
I know there is a lot of consideration in the rooms about using any prescriptions.
For me the bottom line is the lying and stealing and manipulation. I think the other is the huge diversions. Alcoholics are great at those diversions
Those are the sign posts. The alcoholics I know are phenomenal with their diversions
For me it being Christmas it is such a relief not to be in an obsession about what someone isn't going to do for me. For me it's about my taking the helm.
Boundaries are so so treacherous around the alcoholic. It is easy to stumble down the rabbit hole. The issue is to get up and readjust those boundaries again.
Maresie25
