The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Writing is my solace. I wrote this to "him" this morning. I don't want to react to his behaviour. I want to maintain my sanity and most of all I want to learn to respond rather than reacting.
I hate you today. It is the day after my birthday. You didn't think of me. You did not call me. You did not message me. You did not do anything. How selfish is that. How selfish is it that you dont think of any ones feelings but your own. You dont care that I have put trust in you. That you earned my trust back and now you have all of me. Soul, Spirit, and body. My body, oh God you really do have all of me. And what do I have in return. A man that cant even call on my birthday.I have been there for you. When you were recovering from your 15 years of alcoholism. When I was your only real friend. I have told you multiple times how proud of you I am. How you have come so far. Because you have. But you don't seem to care. You keep choosing to stay stuck in some hermit state. Now your Dad has been diagnosed with a chronic illness and you are lashing out. Your lashing out because you are hurt. Probably because you are confused. And even as I write this my anger is disappearing. It is just turning to sorrow. You keep peddling and not getting anywhere. In one breath you tell me how much you appreciate me. In the next you ignore me and go on about how relationships are destructive. What happend to you that you are that sour about them. How on earth could you feel that way about me. I feel betrayed. Betrayed by you. And I will never understand why. I don't know how to give up on you. Above all else I don't know how to tell myself that you are a lost cause. Because I don't believe you are. I believe you are such an amazing person under all that pain.
I did not send this to him. I just write until I can not feel the pain anymore. Its a journal of sorts. But today I needed to be heard. Thats why I posted it here.
((teafighter) I found that having unrealistic expectatation of others really hurt my serenity and that finally reaching "acceptance of life on life's terms " always helped me to find serenity. I am glad you are here.
tealfighter - I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers....hoping that you found relief from your writing. I am one who does that - write it out. I learned in recovery that there are 3 steps for me to benefit best from my writing - 1. Write About It. 2. Talk About It (Sponsor or trusted program friend). 3. Pray About It.
Recovery has helped me let go of expectations and plan for me as I need to! This year, for my birthday, I had a lovely meal with 8 program friends. We met at a restaurant, enjoyed fellowship and food and laughed a ton. It was perfect for me for that day. I ordered meals to go for my qualifier and it was a great day!
When we treat ourselves as we want to be treated, we learn about self-care. I found relief in recovery when I learned to put me first on my priority list and trust my HP to lead me each day.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am glad you brought that here too, and applaud your self-control!! WOW
I hope you feel the relief that comes from vomiting up the poison, as my sponsor would say. "It's gotta come up or we stay sick," she'd tell me.
Your post is a reminder for me, of how crazy I get when I tell myself that people should not act the way they are acting. Indeed, alcoholics should act like alcoholics but when I argue that, I start feeling crazy.
I too went through birthdays and big holidays forgotten by him as his disease progressed. I don't believe he intentionally tried to hurt me, he was just not clear-headed, he was sick. The day after my birthday, he tossed a gift at me, "HERE!!" I remember watching his back as he walked away from me.
Would a sane person do this?
As it happened more and more, I began building a habit of creating the day I wanted to have, taking responsibility for my happiness. (no it didn't happen overnight, it came gradually.) At that time, I loved Chinese take-out (vegetable lo-mein) and I would pick up my order and head straight to the metro park to sit on top of an old picnic table next to the lake. (I learned to bring a blanket which added to my list of personal preferences!)
Later, I began a personal Christmas tradition of putting dinner in the crockpot first thing in the morning and then bundling up for a long Christmas hike. Some years, we brought bird seed and the birds were eating out of our hand!!! By the end of the day, dinner's ready....
Peas on Earth!
My pain usually comes from my thinking problem, mainly the belief that I don't matter. When people treat me like I don't matter, my belief is triggered and I start thinking they might be right. it's a frightening thought. but that thought is a lie. and I can change the thought.
I matter and YOU matter.
When I believe I matter, I start ACTING like it and then life feels good, life feels softer and not so harsh again. Sometimes I think God put dismissive alcoholics in my life so that I would learn this lesson, to honor myself. You and I, we are God's Own. For me, there is no greater happiness than REALIZING that.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY (((MY FRIEND)))
I AM GLAD THAT YOU WERE BORN
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 7th of December 2016 12:18:28 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 7th of December 2016 12:24:14 PM
Happy Birthday Tea...not all gifts will be this painful and I feel sad with you while also feeling the gratitude for the serenity the Al-Anon Family Groups face to face meeting and the program brought into my life. I hope you are a participant of the program and have taken part in the ESH (Experience Strength and Hope) it has for us. I know the pain which comes from the selfish, self centered personalities and behaviors the addicts and alcoholics bring into relationships. I've been there and done that also until I learned not to any longer. Prayers for you and your "qualifier" and hope and expectations that it ends soon. ((((Hugs))))
