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I would like to know if anyone has known their A to be above the legal limit and driving. Did you practice loving detachment? Did you call the authorities? Please share your experiences.
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- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
Wow that's a sore subject for me. I do not ever condone drunk driving. I must admit I have never called the authorities. I gave it to my higher power and prayed that no one innocent got hurt. I asked that he meet his full consequences before he hurt himself and someone else. I will not ride with him when he has been drinking and I wont let my children either. I have hid the keys and unhooked the spark plug wires though. I hope this helps.
My x left the house intoxicated because I asked him to leave. The story was suppose to be he went to his mother's house lol .. Nope he went from bar to bar. He only had 1 about 10x. I was in blissful ignorance. It was a bar keep who called the police however it's always been my fault that he got the dui. In his mind I was the one being unreasonable.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
This is probably a tough one for most of us. I feel so guilty about this. No I don't call the authorities on my A. She lives about 15 minutes from my house. I ask her to call me or text me when she's home. Those are only the days I see her, I know she does it often. Most days probably. I hate it so much. There was an accident about 20 min from my house, where 3 kids were killed by a drunk driver. The Neville-Lake children, and their grandfather. That has been weighing on my heart heavily. I have 3 children, I can not imagine what the family is going through. And then I have my A, very drunk, pulling out of my driveway.
I hate it I hate it I hate it.
I resent her for driving drunk. I resent myself for not doing anything about it.
I used to run to my A's need EVERY single time I could to prevent him from driving drunk. I soon became resentful, angry, and felt disrespected. He knew I would come rescue him. I finally stopped picking him up and as much as I thought about calling the authorities, I never did I just sat praying and hoping he would make it home safe. He just got in a drunk driving accident a week ago...totaled his truck, crashed into someone else, went to jail for 5 days. It was so heartbreaking and stressful, but I had to keep reminding myself that I did not cause this and I cannot fix it. I only hope and pray for him to seek recovery and am still involved in his life at this moment, I'm trying to just take it day by day! Best wishes and positive thoughts to you
Once I discovered my AH had relapsed, I did suggest if I knew he was drinking & driving, I would call. He was very wise about being around me under the influence. When I discovered my boys who followed the path of addiction were in trouble with substances, I refused to allow them to get their DL. During phases of compliance, they both managed to get their DL before 18. I made it perfectly clear that if I even suspected they were getting behind the wheel under the influence of anything, I would call.
I drove under the influence many times before I found myself in recovery. By the grace of God, I never killed anyone. I apply the same rules across the board in recovery - my boundaries line up with the laws of the land. I would also call on anybody that I saw/knew was under the influence and getting behind the wheel.
I've never had to call for driving under the influence but have called for other issues. The police in my city (it's large - suburb of KC) know us by name. Having said this, all my friends and family know that if they have had too many, I will safely transport them home. I have a One and Done policy for calls after 11pm. I would much rather my day/evening/life be disrupted by a drunk this way than getting a call that they are hurt/injured/jailed because of the latter.
No matter the person, drinking & driving is not OK to me today. This was one of the first boundaries I put into place that gave me a dose of sanity. It's against the law and the consequences are too big. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
iam that's exactly my attitude about it and honestly muy kids know I won't tolerate it from them .. Period. They figure if I didn't hesitate to send dad to jail they are in the same boat. Don't call me for bail under those circumstances either.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Serenity - I did give my kids a "one/done" with jail bonds....needless to say, they both had to use that before they ever got their DL! They now know not to call me for bail. They've both called from jail just to talk because they are bored....my first suggestion has always been, "You better call your job and tell them you aren't going to make it to work today."
I must admit I am grateful that my boys found their disease early. It forced me to seek recovery and set up some very stringent boundaries when it comes to breaking the law and what I will/will not do. And, while they have tons of growing up to do, they are both growing and maturing through fixing their own mistakes. Hard to watch but I do see the benefits of boundaries, detaching and letting go!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
"When anyone anywhere reaches out for help I want the hand of Al-Anon (and AA) to always be there and for that...I am responsible.'
Yes I call Public Service which includes the police for help and yes I will make the stop myself and have. I have rolled up on fatal dui accidents and I have worked for the California Highway Patrol. Several months ago when my wife and I were vacationing on the West Coast we got the driver of a big rig stopped (took miles) because he was under the influence and greatly scaring traffic around him great feeling seeing him over to the side and outside the tractor "hooked up".
We know about this disease and it's fatal nature...what is the question? There is no question in my mind or pause in my actions under the condition...I carry a cell phone and I use 911 to get it done. I have also gotten help for drunks stumbling on the sidewalks around moving vehicles and people.
There is no reason to stop loving even them and when you do the fear goes away. ((((hugs))))
I'm a stickler on this subject. One night long ago I grabbed MY car keys from my "out of his head" A and threw them in some bushes which he didn't see me do. I just kept saying NO NO you can't take my car. Not too long after that he was asleep and that incident was never mentioned again. I really believe I was ready to call the cops if he got violent with me. Didn't have to do that though.
wp
Funny, I just had an out and out argument with my daughter tonight about weed. Driving under the influence of weed. She is 17 and has her driver's license. I have discovered that she is dabbling in weed. I immediately pulled her car. Her argument was that my AH drove drunk. Now grant you I do not condone drunk driving. However, when my A called me that he was leaving work and he was sober, and then drove the 1 and 15 minutes home blitzed. I could not control that. We had many many discussions about that and some heated ones at that. Before he met his full consequences I would be totally spun out of control thinking that he risked his life and someone elses again. Now with my daughter, I do have control. She is under age. I reminded her that the difference is alcohol is legal, it what people do with it that is sometimes illegal. Weed is illegal. If I find it, I find her using it, I discover she drove while using it, or with it in the car that I own, I will call the police. Bail/bond is also a one and done with me. I also practice the one and done with picking up drunken family members. Although it did not work with my RAH, I have repeatedly stated to my children, if you drink don't drive, if you are safe where you are stay there.
My A had two DUI's. Both were way over the limit. He lost his license on the 2nd one. He also had alcohol poisoning and put in the ICU on one occasion and the other he was in the ER until he calmed down. I was crying the whole time on all four situations. Both DUI's took me by surprise. I was working full time still, helping to take care of mom's and aunt so really did not see it. The second DUI devastated me. I could hardly look at him. I started going to the f2f meetings twice a week and we also had an open AA meetings on Saturday that I went to. It all helped me a ton, along with this site. I could not have done it alone. After the second DUI he had a class every Monday night for 52 weeks; he also was put on probation where they could drug test him if they found cause. It was a very, very tough time. I also started counseling on top of everything else. I figured if I stayed I wanted to become healthier and if I left I wanted to become healthier also.
I had a lot of people telling me what I should or should not do with my relationship. Some made sense and some did not. I just picked out the parts that made sense to me. We have been together almost 40 years and are still "together". Lots of times i wanted to leave. I kept a bag packed in my closet so in case I had to leave I could go it fast. I even went to talk to an attorney.
I would say we are in a good place. He no longer drinks Vodka. He does not get on my nerves as much as he use to. I am trying to become more of a listener than a talker - this part has been hard but I am making progress. There is some trust there, but the majority of it is gone. We both love each other, but even after all of these years it is only one day at a time.
Alanon tells us to not create a crisis nor prevent it. We also learn to do the right thing for us and our own peace of mind. To me peace of mind comes from doing the right thing and that would definitely be calling the authorities. I think of drunk people as being incapable of making rational decisions, to go and drive while drunk is a huge risk that they wouldn't take if not drunk. I think of my own loved ones on the road and I would hope that a sober person would take the right action and call the police and not take part in putting others at risk. I believe if you knowingly do nothing and he/she kills someone then you are partly responsible.
