The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, my son just got back from a really big cattle show here in Canada and was really upset about some of the things people said to him. You see, he has attended this show previous years and been very successful, but because of the stress and expense, he didn't take cattle this year and is not even sure he wants to raise purebred cattle anymore. This subject is driving my husband crazy that he can't guilt him into doing this. Some of the comments people were saying were " so you don't like cattle anymore and want to just grain farm I here". One lady even told him how stupid he was that he didn't bring any cattle. My son is 21 years old and can't believe what he heard. He of course thinks that is what his dad is telling people and it hurts him terribly. He said that his dad hardly spoke to him at the show. I told him that he can't control what his dad says(its the disease-which I'm having a really hard time with this process, let alone explaining it to my son). I told him he should be honest to these people that whoever told them this was not being truthful and that he really shouldn't care what others think, as long as he is doing what makes him happy.
Going back quite far, my son has played alot of hockey all over and feels he did it for his dad and when he finally decided he was going to do what he wanted, which did not involve playing hockey out of the country, their relationship seemed to deteriorate. I always thought my husband was just spoiled rotten and had to have his way all the time, but just this past week, I have realized that he is an alcoholic and it is terrifying.
Go to alanon. Stay healthy, with support from people who understand. That way you will be in the best spot to be the great, caring mom that you seem to be already. Maybe suggest he go to alanon/ACoA.
I agree with pinkchip above me - both of you seek support through recovery - Al-Anon or ACoA....
In Al-Anon, I learned more about the disease and how it reaches well beyond the drinker to affect the thinking/feelings/actions/reactions of those who love or live with the disease. AA and Al-Anon work the same 12 steps - recovery is a choice though. You and your son can seek support whether your husband does or not.
I found others who understood what I shared, shared their ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with me and never judged me or gave me advice. It's a truly safe place to find understanding and support.
For your son, this disease is really hard on sons....I have two sons and they also choose the path of experimenting which then led to full-blown addiction. There are young - 24 and 22, and they still seek their father's approval. They are both out on their own and are dealing with it differently. They both have tried AA and one stayed for almost 5 years and then left. The other can't get more than 60 days clean. Things are better since I came to Al-Anon as I just love them unconditionally without enabling them and/or alienating them. It's been a long process.
They are finally at a point where they understand they are good people doing great things and what other's think/say is not about them. It's about the speaker(s). It's taken years for them to understand this - I'm not entirely sure they accept it. That's OK - they will in their own time. But - your son is an adult and he gets to make decision and life-choices all on his own, good and bad, and learn from success/failure. This is what good parenting is about - teaching a child how to survive no matter what is thrown at you!
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
