The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I made bad decisions this weekend. I know better, and I can't help but think that I made these decisions because I crave the pain.
I'm sitting here thinking - I could have had a nice quiet weekend. Nothing was going on, time to relax and maybe some self care.
What do I do? Invite someone to stay for the weekend who I KNOW upsets me. The whole weekend was full of fighting and just stupid stupid garbage.
I'm not blaming him. It's all my doing. I know who he is and how he is. My fantasy brain got the best of me and I pretended it would be different. It wasn't. I KNOW BETTER THAN THIS!!!
Now I'm stressed and I've done the same to someone else.
I wrote before that I feel like I'm out of control and I am. I am so sick and I keep inviting this stuff in. Like I need it to breathe. Like I don't know how to function without flailing.
I'm so angry with myself right now.
Stop blaming yourself..you are human, and u have the desire to want things to be different or better, and that's a good thing. Yes you bought into them this weekend, but that doesn't make you a failure. It makes you a hopeful, good person. I know exactly how you feel, but I won't let that hopeful side of myself die, because someone else disappoints me, and you shouldn't either. But you do need to distance yourself from whatever it is that drags you down, so do I. And I just made a healthy decision to do so. You can do this. I know you can, because I can hear what kind of person to are, and I believe in you, so should you! Good luck!
Sarah I agree with Desperate in NY-- recovery is a process and seeing and feeling what we are doing that hurts us, is the first important step to changing.
Remember program and the 3 As-- awareness, acceptance and then action. Beating yourself up is not an alanon tool so please forgive yourself,d learn the lessons and move on with gratitude .
(((Sarah))) - we are all imperfect humans living in an imperfect world. Be gentle with you - there is no shame in hoping for a different outcome. Actually, I believe we learn the most when we try and are troubled vs. creating a world with boundaries so rigid we never take risks. I'm with Betty - beating yourself up is not going to help you at all. My sponsor no longer allows me to berate me as she believe as do I that everything happens for a reason - to learn, to grow, to accept - all things are part of a bigger plan.....and we never know what that bigger plan is!
It's perfectly OK to be sad that things went different than hoped. I have faith that there will be a time when you either invite them again and are able to detach from the insanity and enjoy the good parts or you decide not too. Either way, the gift of the program is we live, we learn, we experience and we grow. You are doing great from where I sit - mistakes are a part of our journey...
(((Hugs))) girl...you got this!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I really think when we are kicking ourselves because "we knew better" it is just one of those lessons that keep coming back until we truly learn from it. Sometimes it takes on many different forms for the same lesson. I agree with all the very wise responses to be gentle with yourself about it.
From reading your previous posts, it sounds as if you are definitely moving forward in the program. Be proud of your progress and forgive the " I knew better" moments. You are doing great!
I honestly feel like a masochist. I hope this isn't a pity pot post, I have no pity for myself at all. I'm the one who keeps doing this.
I could have made 1000000 different choices this weekend, I didn't. I chose to spend it with my ex.
He lost his mind over everything from waiting for a table at a restaurant to a pair of pants a guy was wearing that he didn't like. Somehow the pants turned into him having a knife and wanting to stab him in the neck.
Really enjoyable stuff.
I know this though!! I know this is what he is like & still I chose to spend my weekend alone with him.
My kids were gone with their dad. Perfect time for me to recharge and put some steam back in the engine.
Now he's gone. My kids are coming home, I am enraged and tired and will be running on empty again for weeks.
I've known him since we were children & we were together for 6 years. It's not like I was being hopeful and taking a risk. I was making a stupid decision & I knew better!! I don't feel like I'm learning anything I feel like I'm getting so much worse than I was before.
Worse because I know what I should be doing & I'm making my life way harder than it needs to be.
Is it that I can't feel good about myself unless I'm next to someone I feel superior to? I am trying to figure out why I keep doing this!!
Sarah, I keep thinking 'easy does it' Your changing your looking, searching for the truth. The truths coming, maybe not as fast as you want it to but its coming, your willingness has been so obvious from your first post. I can so relate, I too am seeking the truth of me and I have found out so much over these last 4 years but I can get impatient and want it now too so I understand. I believe this is the process of learning, part of it is failing a little less each time. So this weekend you touched the burny fire, you are affected by the disease of alcoholism and that means certain truths, it means you were addicted to the drama, the excited misery. Its got a power of its own at times and this time it got the better of you, it may again the difference is this time you can see, you see the truth of it. Thats progress, in fact thats worthy of celebration.
I spent 20 yrs in the dark with my eyes closed to the truth of me and my life and relationships. Now i can see much more clearly and thats amazing to me and the change is coming but yes I can go excitment seeking, get lost in the drama of my own doing, definately but now I have the tools to sit down and look for reasons become aware and hopefully be guided towards the actions that will improve my life. Keep on working it Sarah, its a process and your on the path here.
Perhaps you did what you needed to do in order to get you to a place where you are asking yourself the questions that you are talking about here? Sounds like 'more has been revealed'.
Why wouldn't you hope for a different outcome? I know I've tested the waters plenty of times and found it scolding. I try to see these things as a sign that I am getting better, becoming more relaxed and learning to let my guard down. Which sometimes leads me to the next lesson which has something to do with when a situation gets too hot to handle, which may be a possibility from time to time, I can learn how to handle it in new ways based on protecting myself in the here and now instead of trying to please disruptive people.
One of the most irrationally 'stressful' lessons for me has been the lesson of learning to live peacefully. When all is going well I get this underlying anxiety that it might not last and so I can be inclined to test it! Duh!! And then I start wondering if this new calm life that I'm enjoying is actually boring!! Double Duh!!!! (It isn't btw, I just thought it might be! In fact I'm finding some really constructive things to excite me now.)
Be gentle with yourself. We don't always recognise progress while it's going on! ((((Hugs)))))
Reading in my Blue Book -
"Many of us become so accustomed to living in chaos and crisis that we feel completely lost in its absence. Concequently, when everything is going well, we sabotage ourselves creating a crisis. This may make us miserable, but at least we know how to function in such a situation."
Boy. Seems to be exactly what I'm doing here.
My family qualifiers all hopped on planes and left the country. Sweet silence. So what do I do? Call xabf and get the party started.
One day at a time. Thanking HP for checking my attitude and for having a solid program to break me of this lifestyle. This SUCKS and yes the stove is still hot!!
Thank you for reminding me that even those in the program can slip and test the waters. I keep thinking this is a fool proof solution & need to learn that I will ALWAYS be working at this. Old habits die hard, don't they.
Really!!! so you came to solution in that last post...awesome and now what? God have I ever done this myself operating on habit forgetting that duplication of a fault is always my fault and gets me the same thing over and over again when I just chanced I would get better. The lesson days for me including taking life slow...s l o w and checking each mini step while (not after) I was taking it. The insanity of our disease I have learned for myself lay in (partly) the habitual duplication of a faulty process expecting other consequences that what I usually got. I could scream when I realized what I did after the fact and certainly did Scream!!.... The practice of slowing down and checking my process and consequences was what worked and I still do it. Slowly. One reason that is so important for me today is normally I took the shame and blame out on myself and I am the most punishing of egos.
I had my sponsor over yesterday afternoon for a visit and he needed tools I have that he doesn't both carpentry and recovery. What a bonus afternoon for us as we gave and took from each other. Thank you God....Please go visit with Sarah G and hang out. (((((hugs)))))
Before I forget...Mahalo SaraG...this is a winner for me.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 21st of November 2016 02:21:38 PM
I don't see this as a bad thing, it's just proof of powerlessness, a good thing. Recognition of our powerlessness points us to the One who has all power and the ONLY hope for ultimate serenity. I hope youll be able find a F2F sponsor soon because you seem so geared for the steps which will comfort and guide you. Maybe you can find a temporary sponsor at your meeting..? that helps when you're ready to get started.
For me, when life feels unmanageable, I begin doing the next most nurturing thing with a large dose of self-compassion because this is the ENERGY of the Higher Power. Step two is standing at the "turning point," turning to Higher Power and Love (same thing, I believe.) Higher Power isn't sitting up far away in the clouds, unless that is what you believe. I invite you to turn to self-compassion, put your hand over your own heart and send LOVE.
Being an adult child of an alcoholic, we can be brutal with ourselves. Our parents may have neglected or emotionally abused us, but we pick up that rope exactly where they left off, we continue the neglect and abuse long after it ended.
I'm quite sure that if any one of us had posted this, you would not be telling us "we should have known better." That's what you're doing to YOU but you can start over any time you're ready
Fall down seven times, stand up eight, my friend. God loves you. No matter what.
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 21st of November 2016 04:10:58 PM
Thank you for letting me spin out like this. I am so closeted about this stuff. My best friend tried to get me to open up the other day and I couldn't. There really is a comfort in Al Anon groups and their members. Truly, no one understands like you do here and I appreciate it. I'm beginning to see that all of this madness I'm creating for myself is because I've detached from my FOO. The silence is deafening. There's this wide open void and in my panic and obsession to always have things "fixed" and how they're supposed to be, I can't handle the void. That gap that I slowly have to fill with tools, good habits, self love and good people.
I can't just sit with it. It's like a festering wound to me so I react and fill it up with more nonsense, because my sick thinking thinks that it's better to react and take care of it quickly, rather than let HP and time do their work.
I never knew mindfulness would be so difficult. I heard a bunch of yoga hippies talk about it and laughed it off, but those damn hippies had a point. It's tough work!
Trust that HP will fill that space with serenity , courage and wisdom. It really is a process so when you are anxious recite the serenity prayer or come here and read on the board or from an alanon book That way you are filling the void with constructive thoughts.
Including attitude...attitude is very important and altering your attitude of "can't" do something to one of "won't" do something brings it up to the forefront of changes to make. When I "will" do it I make it happen.
Sarah I can completely relate to your posts. I can do the same thing at times. I did it a lot more in the first year of my program. I would find peace and then panic as soon as I felt that peace because it was so foreign to me. As soon as things got peaceful even for a moment I would seek out chaos because it felt normal and comfortable. As I worked my program I started to realize what I was doing and I started to enjoy the peace I had just moments at a time at first. And now most of the time I prefer peace to chaos. I still trip up and fall on my face but the program reminds me that I can turn things around at any moment. All is not lost with one minor or major mistake. You're doing great. It's great that you recognized that you do this so now you can deal with it. Just the awareness of what is going on and then accepting that I did that was a gift for me. ((hugs))
To me, this experience of yours is perfect for developing the WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE as in the serenity prayer. How else could wisdom come without experience?? it cannot come from reading our literature alone. From the experience of falling down again and again, over and over, wisdom steps in and says, "the old ideas aren't working anymore."
There will come a next time to do it differently, youll see. Next time, you will have some WISDOM because you will remember the pain of touching the hot stove. If you forget, here stands a fellowship that understands it all too well. We're ready when we're ready, done when we're done.
The replies here are pure gold, reminding me of the ACTION of our program. By acting on and practicing something different, our WILLINGNESS is expressed as Jerry points out. Substituting the time once filled with (suffering) for something that feels a whole lot better, as Betty mentions. Gradually, I began mindful walking, adding more meetings to my schedule, phoning my sponsor, and organized my time to include reading literature and meditation routine.
It looks differently for everyone but these little changes in our routine, just one at a time, reflect our willingness to change. One thing at a time, not two, just one thing at a time, done in peace.
My thanks to all who posted, for the (((wisdom))) shared
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 22nd of November 2016 11:41:01 AM
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 22nd of November 2016 12:56:37 PM
This discussion has been eye opening. There were two C2C passages that hit right on the button, on the days I needed them. Crazy how that happens!!
My ex called me at work today and went on a rant about losing me again and I felt entirely different. I don't think I've ever listened to him rant and just let him go off, without really reciprocating. The truth is, I didn't care to. I stopped him after about 10 min and said "ya, I gotta go now." and hung up. I could hear him yelling as I went to click the phone down. Soon enough I won't even pick up the phone.
I'm sure I'll slip, and thanks to the knowledge and experience of those here, I know that's ok. Just dust myself off and move along.
I do feel guilt because I know that he is unstable. I want to be strong enough to know it's not only good for ME to stay away, but for him too. How will he ever move on if I keep feeding him bits of affection? It's almost cruel of me and I can see that now.
When I am empty, I call him. I break both of us.
When he was at my place, there was an argument between us. It was the strangest thing, I could HEAR myself being self righteous and telling him how he needed to behave. The words were coming out of my mouth, and in my mind I was thinking "Oh MAN SARAH SHUT UP!!!"
I can see why people get so caught up in this behavior! When we're talking to an addict, saying "quit harming yourself" seems like a loving and caring phrase, at first. But over time it becomes a judgement, a criticism and if I'm being honest it makes me feel like I have MY life together. I don't, that's glaringly obvious now, but I think it did for a while. It gave me a false sense of security.
It's not that he's all bad, he has great qualities. But there are major major things that I just can't deal with. Money problems, addiction and anger issues.
He's not the father of my children, I do not have any ties to him financially or otherwise. I can make a clean break if I wanted to. But this part of me keeps holding on. I wonder if it's the unhealthy part, or the loving part that has empathy? I can't tell.
Might be time to face your fears. The fight or flight stuff was so toxic for me because I would do both until I learned not to put myself in the insanity by being compassionate and empathetic with my qualifiers...giving them and hug and a pat on the back and then letting them view my rear license plate disappear into the horizon. It's okay to do. (((hugs)))
I want to thank all of you for your words here. I've read this posting and the replies over and over since I've posted. I find myself nodding my head and agreeing with you. I am so grateful for those who choose to stick around and help us new folk. 12th step work, right?
I see people in my home group who work with alateen. I feel called to that work, but I know I have a long long way to go before I will be suited to it.
I just wanted to say thank you. I am learning so much. 34 years of disconnection. I've been in and out of different therapies and none of them have helped. 1.5 months in al Anon and my whole life has changed.
Thank you for sharing with me!! You are helping me get my head on straight. I hope I can do the same for others in the future.
The word disconnect popped out at me in your last post. That is the word I have been searching for that pretty much describes me my whole life. Disconnected. Growing up in the middle of the disease, marrying into the disease, not once but twice, has really made me take a look at myself, along with taking my recovery seriously this time and actually working the steps. My exah was addicted to a lot of other things to, but as much as I did "love" him and spent 15 years with him, I wasn't connected to him in my mind and my inner being. I had 3 children with him but I pretty much was just a martyr. My current RAH, I "love" him but I still have no ability to be vulnerable to him. Which affects intimacy. I then question myself, with this disconnect issue, am I even capable of ever being "in love" with someone. Is this a flaw that I can ask to have removed? I have added disconnected to my list, so thank you for giving me the word.
(((Fooled))) I'm happy you're gaining from this as well! Yes, disconnected is the word, isn't it. Opened a whole can of worms for me. I know I am capable of loving, I love my children through and through. We are loving and soft and encouraging with one another.My heart hasn't completely frozen over.
I completely understand what you're saying though. I don't know if I am capable of loving anyone other than them. I honestly can't think of a relationship I've been in that I have felt love for someone. I had myself convinced that I was in love with my xabf, after some ACOA reading I'm not certain I ever was. I took care of him, full of resentment while I was doing it though. I've never been in a relationship where someone has been fully functioning and I didn't have to take care of them. I guess that's what I thought love was.
It's hard when you see that habit, and question your ability to love entirely. I don't know if I have it in me. That doesn't feel good, but I can accept it.
The only disconnect I worry about today is my disconnect from Higher Power. When thats off, nothing can fall into proper place, its like putting the cart ahead of the horse......
I think its why Step Two comes right after, "I have no power and my life feels unmanageable!" ......so that we would fire ourselves as manager of our own lives and ask the Great Manager to take over instead, the One running the entire universe.... without any help from us whatsoever.
My sponsor encouraged me to develop ways of talking to God, one idea was before walking through a door, quietly say to God, "You go first."
It works because loving God calls Him forward, it's God's own law. Everything falls into place after FIRST THINGS FIRST (((big hugs)))
2HP- you make a good point. I am still working at letting go of the wheel. I never noticed how stubborn and controlling I was until recently, attempting to hand my life over to HP. In the instances that I have done that, I've felt peace and purpose.
I guess the "stove is still hot" applies here too. When I return to my old habits of directing my own life, I feel hopeless and lost.
Thank you for the great reminder!
