The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband has been off of pain pills for about three months now. He's dry but by no means sober. He's moody and angry and depressed and anxious. He has self loathing and negative self talk that keeps him awake all night long. He's quite miserable. It's hard to watch him go through this, but I am really working my program and letting go. He claims he's done so many horrible things that he doesn't deserve to sleep. He also says that when he used to numb himself he thought that was the "proper use of alcohol and pills" I said nothing. None of my business.
He told me today he thinks he can take Ambien to sleep at night since it's non-habit forming. I whole-heartedly disagree with this. I know I can't have an opinion on this. What are some slogans I need to remember? Give me something to hold onto so that I don't begin to try and control him again like I used to :(
((Prissy)) I would suggest that he discuss this decision with his doctor and then remind myself that HP is in control and that I am powerless over people, places and things, When I am tempted to worry or to attempt to take control I would repeat the following slogans over and over in my head::"Let Go and let God, Keep the focus on yourself, Live and let live, Keep an open mind and most importantly the Serenity prayer.
Meetings and alanon calls also help at a time like this.
His doctor doesn't know he's an addict. He refuses to tell her. He claims it will mess with his life insurance.
Obviously he wants to keep his prescription pad available by not telling her.
This is just my opinion. Don't listen if this is not making sense. AMBIEN is a bad bad drug IMO. One of my friends took that and he mowed lawns at night and didn't remember. HIs feet had grass stains on them. He must have been mowing in the dark at night barefoot. He remembered nothing. The drug loses it effectiveness pretty quickly.
Drugs are not a long term solution to sleep problems. Behavior modification works much better.
There's nothing you can do to control this BTW. I tried with my deceased brother and it did not work. My brother said similar things. He said: I did so many terrible things. I told him, make amends and move on. This ruminating is not going to help you. He was very engulfed in self pity. (Something I am trying to avoid) He also said he had trouble sleeping. Alcohol is really bad for sleep problems. My husband had sleep apnea and he was told do not drink or take anything as it will make the problem worse.
Well I totally engaged. I have a three year old son in the house and I just can't risk him winding up blacked out in his bedroom -again. So I said "if you take pills go take them somewhere else to sleep."
He's mad and crying because he is so exhausted and miserable and I feel for him, but his depression isn't gonna go away until he gets through this. I am torn between focusing on myself and minding my business and protecting my son.
You can do all three, Focus on yourself, maintain your serenity by reciting the serenity prayer and then read a story to your son or play a game with him.
Your hubby is an adult and you are powerless over his actions, Let Go and Let God and forgive yourself
I did a similar thing to my XAH and he went to his psychiatrist and got prescribed Ambien AND antidepressants and he was still drinking. He did some crazy stuff at night, but mostly just eating late and creating a mess in the kitchen. My biggest issue was the drinking along with the meds. If it was just the Ambien, I probably would have been ok with it because I knew he needed sleep and some peace so that maybe he could just think clearly at some point. I left him nearly 2 years ago and as far as I know, he's still taking those meds AND ADHD meds AND drinking. I have no idea how he's still a functioning alcoholic but he is. Go figure. But, as Betty said, what I learned was that I can't control another person's behavior. I can't help them because they have to help themselves. Please be gentle on yourself and make sure you keep going to meetings! HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
What I learned in my Family Support group was that cross addiction is very common. In the early stages of sobriety although they are not using the brain is still trying to clear. Not wanting to deal with the memories, the feelings, not sleeping because they were used to the forced sedation of their drug/alcohol. My Rah did something similar. I suggested Melatonin instead of Ambien and it did work for him.
Your husband can discuss all of these things with his sponsor in the AA program. Who would have a better understanding the effects of withdrawing from alcohol than his fellows who are alcoholics in AA themselves. We say we don't give advice in Alanon. So many of us came into the program giving advice to the alcoholics in our lives. Everyone has a higher power guiding their life. It's difficult to watch someone else suffer but more difficult to absorb the emotions of other people as though we're experiencing them ourselves and lose sight of what we ourselves are actually feeling. I learned that my first responsibility was to myself and for those with children in the house responsibility for their care. When it comes to the disease of alcoholism/addiction, I was told nothing I could say or do would get someone sober or keep someone sober. You husband knows where to go for help concerning his recovery and whether he is being honest with himself and others. You've done a good job practicing detachment. Your higher power is greater than the disease of alcoholism. Try not to fear him relapsing. It's common but not indefinite. Only he can learn through his own experiences what is going to work or not work for him concerning sobriety. From personal experience, I took away from myself and other loving family member by being caretaker, pretend nurse, medical researcher and fixer for the A in my life. I had to put myself at the top of my 9th step as well as many family members I had neglected (birthdays, holidays etc.) due to my excessive involvement in trying to get and keep my exah sober. I hope you find the answers that are right for you and your family. Thank you for sharing. Keep coming back. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hello-I think you can have an opinion and you can express it to him one time, but my sponsor taught me to have NO expectations of my A. Your husband is in charge of his behavior. Melatonin works very well for some people. It was a very hard lesson for me to learn that I could not fix my A. I came to Alanon to learn how to fix her. What I learned instead was how sick I had become, and that I needed to fix myself. And 3 1/2 years into Alanon, it's working! My A is not fixed at all. She told me last night she thinks she takes good care of herself. I could see her denial at work. She has multiple addictions. I will continue with my program and I do ask HP to bless her because she is going to have a heart attack or stroke or worse. Let go and let God. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I sure as heck can't cure it. Amen, Lyne
These words are so helpful you have no idea. Just today my husband claimed "I'm not drinking or doing pills anymore, isn't that the goal?" Uh hello? You don't sleep and you suffer from anxiety and depression. Do you think you're "all fixed" now?
I find when I'm overwhelmed I lose focus of my program. I haven't been to a face to face meeting in a while. My favorite is in an hour. Looking for motivation to get off the couch and go. I know it will make me feel better...
My hope for you Prissykitty is that you did find the motivation to go to the meeting! It is in meetings and program efforts that I find my grace, peace and serenity. I've heard similar statements from my qualifiers before and tried to acknowledge that I admire their efforts to a better way of living. My sponsor suggested it was perfectly OK for me to say, I am worried about you because I care....I truly just want you to be happy, joyous and free of all that burdens you. When I can speak my truth with calm I statements, they rarely argue with me. It is when I throw out You statements that the crazy-train starts up....this isn't perfect science but through practice, it's greatly improved our dynamics and communications. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I said nothing. None of my business.