The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm feeling like I am out of control. Is it normal to feel this way when first getting to the hard part of the program?
I feel lost, like I've lost everything I've ever known. I don't know how to behave. I was used to behaving a certain way, a way that obviously wasn't working for me or anyone around me, but at least I had those people around me still.
Since I've started to address my issues and am making an effort to stop my part in the play, I've been cast out it seems.
The child in me wants to jump back into old habits just to smooth everything over. It's like I'm trying to bury and forget all of the reasons why I came here in the first place.
I feel so lost and alone without my mom. She has frozen me out entirely. I lay in bed at night and beat myself up emotionally, pretty badly. I never used to be like that, I was always pretty sure of myself. It's like I can't handle the quiet. Like I crave the constant critisism. When I was critisized, I always had that inner voice that would say "no, you are doing what's best for you". It's almost like I need that negativity to confirm to myself where I stand. Was my self esteem fake? Was it just a protective layer? A front?
I'm used to talking on the phone several times a day and seeing each other almost every day. Since I started the process of Al Anon, she won't talk to me anymore.
I make small attempts to reach out to her each day, maybe I'll send her a pic of the kids or wish her well.
I understand that maybe she needs her space, too.
This is my codependency speaking, at least I know that much. I never realized how addicted to the chaos I was until just now.
I want to feel whole. And right now I don't, at all. I am doing my best to hand this over to HP. Repeat slogans, the serenity prayer. I even printed one out and keep it on my desk at work so I can read it over and over.
I'm not crying or falling apart, but I do have that elephant sitting on my chest feeling. Lots of anxiety, nausea. And I've been smoking again. I hate when I smoke. It's so gross and makes me feel like crap but I'm sucking them back like there's going to be a shortage.
Please tell me this is a normal part. Or if I'm doing it wrong. Any ESH would help.
Thanks
-- Edited by sarahGee on Friday 18th of November 2016 11:46:17 AM
Hugs Sarah .. Be really gentle with yourself. It's totally normal to feel out of whack when finding recovery. All of a sudden I am rejecting everything I have known and asked to embrace the unknown. So take a breath and do something different. Call a program friend .. Reach out to your sponsor .. Do something that requires you to get outside your head .. Or this is what works for me. I also write about how I feel during those moments of needing the chaos to figure out what I crave about it. When you are ready and can be still without the need to beat on yourself It's a good time to say umm what's going on here. Toxic relationships with parents are the worse for me I needed validation from my mom there was nothing wrong with me the whole time she was screaming yes there was. Those are not the people to look for validating changes. Hugs s :) you are right where you need to be .. Keep doing the next right thing. Read some Alanon lit too That helps.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Oh Sarah, many of us have felt this way during the recovery process. It comes in waves and it goes out just the same. I find that going to my face to face meetings and sharing my confusion and pain, really helps me to work through these patches. Remember, that you are no longer acting/reacting in the ways that those around you found to be normal and comfortable. When we shift, even ever so slightly, the balance is thrown off in everyone's world. Just ride through the storm, keeping your program close and your HP closer!! This too shall pass.
Be gentle on yourself and know that you are not alone!
((((big hugs for you))))
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
(((Sarah))) - I agree with those above me. It's all new and a bit uncomfortable and a lot frightening. I also understand the desire to 'go back' - because at least it was familiar....Anytime I am troubled for any reason, my best defense is more program. More meetings, more interactions, more literature, more prayer - leaning into what I want helps counter-balance that 'used to be'.
I come from a large family of drinkers. We have alcohol at everything - weddings, funerals, holidays, bbqs, baby showers, surgeries, wakes, ball fields - the reality is each of my generation (learned from the generation before) always had a bottle under the seat and a cooler with beer on ice. This was 24 x 7 x 365. "Just in Case"....
When I got sober, I was shunned. I had made many mistakes already and had pushed everyone away to hit my bottom and when I wanted better and got clean/sober, I really thought it would be way different than it was. I was excluded from everything except the holidays. So - all parties, events, etc. - they just did not invite me any more.
I felt shunned and excluded - which I was. For some reason, God carried me through the sobriety part and my program friends became my closest family for a long while. It took me almost 15 years of sober time to ask why I wasn't invited any more. The answer was simple - they thought I would not want to be there because of the drinking. They thought (in their own way of thinking) they were helping me.
I share this because that was one of those life lessons for me that I personalize things one way not ever understanding what another is thinking/feeling. My journey is vastly different from every other human I come in contact with and we each heal/deal differently. I have no doubt if you pick up that 100 lb. phone, and call anyone from the program, they would meet you for coffee, lunch, a meeting or whatever. Even when we don't feel it, change is really good! The breaks I've had in my family relationships for whatever reason over the years also helps me to recall that which I love about them. When we deal with the insanity and chaos of the disease daily/often, we often forget or discard that which we admire and/or love.
(((Hugs))) - be gentle with you. Do something just for you....consider what you would be or do if you did not have the past that you do and consider all that is working in your life. You got this and you're doing great!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Sarah -- Step one in al-anon is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." My life has become unmanageable more than once since I've started my al-anon journey, and it probably will again! Recovery is not a fast process (well, it's not for me). It took me 38 years of insanity and alcoholism-influenced thinking before I came into al-anon and that's a lot of programming to contend with. I wanted to just be fixed, but that's not how my recovery has worked. It's been nearly 9 years (with a long break from the program that resulted in a lot of poor choices on my part) that I've been working on changing my thinking and surrendering to my HP. Some days are great (some moments are great) and in others, I'm back to chaos and obsession. Now I can recognize my choices and I can see where some of my problematic choices come from and I know I have different choices thanks to al-anon. Yesterday's C2C was about how important it was to the writer to "keep coming back" -- it's a great page and might offer you some ESH.
