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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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My AH is sober 52 days. I am grateful for his sobriety and working hard to forgive and let go. I really don't want to relive his past transgressions. The really ugly stuff. I am trying to focus on today. Sometimes though I get flashbacks of times when he was active. For example, when he came home from work when he was actively drinking he would immediately head to the couch and pass out and start to snore. Also, if he would come home from a "pseudo AA" meeting held at the bar instead of where was listed as he would do the same thing.
Sometimes when I walk into the living room and he is snoozing on the couch after IOP or after work and before dinner I get anxious and the past comes over me. I feel the same way I did before. Deja Vu I guess. I am able to rationalize that there is no way he was drinking as they test them in IOP and the time frame for his return home time is legit. Also, after work he doesn't behave the way he used to when he was active. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it possible I could have some PTSD? Or am I just psychotic? I know I am not in control if he relapses or not and I don't think he has at this point. Those moments when I walk in and see him in Z mode are almost frightening.
I'm sorry that you are feeling these feelings. I don't think that it means that we are psychotic!!
I'm not sure if my way of coping with the flashback feelings is right for others but I also get them and out of necessity have to work on them a bit. I recognise them for what they are and then make a conscious decision about whether or not I need to give those feelings my attention. If they don't need my attention I find something else to distract me. If they do then I sit and meditate, empty my mind, and then let my thoughts, including my fears, creep back in. I greet them warmly and ask my thoughts what they need from me? These feelings and thoughts are going on in my head but once, when I was feeling very anxious and did this thought exercise, the reply that I got from my imaginary thought was 'I'm sorry to disturb you, it's ok, I'll leave you in peace now.' It felt very soothing as that thought faded away. They do come back sometimes, but tend to feel less intense as time passes and I become more used to living in calmer times.
I try to be gentle with myself, recognise that I've had some experiences that are upsetting, and then sooth myself. Sometimes I get a bit upset that I feel ignored so eventually I learnt to ask if I felt the need to be acknowledged or if I needed a hug and a chat. But in the early days of my husband's sobriety I gave him his space as much as I could while he settled into a new way of being. I thought those days were a bit like reassuring a wild animal as it moves into my life!
For me I had to release my expectations of what my husband was going to be like whilst keeping the focus on myself and taking ownership of my needs.
((Fooled) ) I believe this is very normal and human, that is why the Steps are so very important. Step 4 through 10 were developed to help us see and process the "wreckage from the past"and become willing to let it go with the help of HP. It does work and I assure you that I have many flash backs but the pain has been lifted.
I can definitely relate. My AH hit the 60 day sober mark the other day. I too struggle some days with some little thing setting me off and then the anxiety hits me like a flood. When it happens I pray and remind myself that what I am experiencing is a from a memory of the past and not present reality. And then I try to get out of my head by engaging in some activity to distract myself. It works but I have to give tremendous effort some days more than others. My mind tends towards seeing everything as a clue that a catastrophe is near.
I can relate to this post. When I come home and see that he may have taken a nap or laid down during the day when he was working from home I jump to conclusions that my AH has relapsed. I get a ton of anxiety too and I have been proven wrong since he got sober....hey he was just tired and need a break from work and lied down. Would I question anyone else, no. Do I also do the same when I am working from home, yes at times I do. Turning to Al-anon literature has helped so has saying the serenity prayer and going to a meeting.
It takes time for a new behavior to replace the old. I think visualization helps. If that person never had a drinking problem, you would just think, oh there he is he's tired. I don't pay attention to other people's drinks or food. Because because of the problem, you became focused on those things. If that person has an episode, view it as a temporary setback. I think people get scared when they have a setback and then they make it a real pattern. Setbacks are normal for everyone. So it's normal to forget Step 3. That's why there are the slogans. The slogans are something quick to remember when you are stressed.
