The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone! I am new here but already feeling grateful to have found this resource. I am 42 yrs old. Both parents struggled with addiction (drugs, food and alcohol) my ENTIRE life, causing me (oldest child in the family) to often times feel like the parent. Fast forward to May of this year, my mom admitted her drinking and went to rehab for the first time ever!!! Yay for mom and our family!!! Things were great, my sister and I along with our dad (not an alcoholic but a former addict) were very supportive, went to every meeting and counseling session that her treatment facility offered.I have recently noticed a few things that caused me to question her sobriety. My sister and I spoke about it at al a non meeting last week (first meeting we have attended in quite a few months) our Dad who was at the meeting denied that she is or has been drinking. Today, my mom admitted to having "one slip up" but she didn't tell her sponsor (I am not even sure she really has one) and is still not going to meetings regularly. I just don't know what to do from here in regards to the upcoming holidays. I feel bad if my parents aren't included in Thanksgiving. I feel bad for them and for their grand kids and myself in a way (I am pretty over all this after 42 years of this). Any input or direction is greatly appreciated. Is this even the right place to ask for advice?I hope I didn't make this too confusing. My mind is just racing trying to figure this all out. Thanks in advance!
Sorry to hear about your mom but the way I see it, it was a really good thing that she actually admitted the slip and didn't lie about it. In al-anon we really aren't supposed to provide advice but to share our own story. In terms of keeping track of if she has a sponsor or has/hasn't gone to meetings, this is something I struggled with with my husband who is in recovery. I was focusing so much on how many meetings he was going to a week, etc. that I found myself obsessing over it. I finally just had to let go and let god. I realized that he wanted to want to stay sober and meetings and having a sponsor did not necessarily guarantee that he wouldn't slip and start drinking again. When I start to obsess I try and read some more literature and get the focus back on me by doing something nice for myself or going to a meeting (I find that meetings have been a god send for my recovery). Sending prayers for you and your family.
I'm sorry you're going through this but glad you have found us. I hope you have found a face-to-face meeting too. Just as alcoholics need a meeting, so do we, because everyone around an alcoholic is pulled into the chaos. No one should have to go through this without support.
What I wished someone had told me when I first began to deal with this is that the majority of alcoholics who enter recovery programs do not achieve longterm sobriety. I don't say this to be depressing - the number of alcoholics is so high that even if "only" 15%-25% achieve longterm sobriety, that is still thousands of people. But because I didn't know this, I kept waiting for my A (alcoholic) to turn the corner so I could start living my life and knowing how to behave and start planning ahead. I was filled with apprehension and the unknowing was driving me crazy - "When is he going to quit? Will he quit next week? Will he be sober for my birthday?"
What I think now is that, as long as an A is not actively working a program of recovery, the safest assumption is that they are going to drink. Because that is almost certainly true. It is a sad fact but we're in a better space knowing the real facts. My A made all kinds of promises about going it alone, and how he didn't need a program anyway, and so on and so forth. Eventually I just assumed he was going to drink, and I relieved myself of a lot of stress.
Your mother may recommit at some point, or of course she may not. After she has recommitted and stuck with it in earnest for a year or two, it may be safe to assume that she won't be drinking on any particular occasion. Until then, if my experience is any guide, it's best to have the usual Plan B. What would you do if you were sure she would be drinking? (You don't have to answer here, I just mean it may help to think it out.) How would you set appropriate boundaries, keep yourself safe and serene? Those may be things to set up or get in order now. The worst that can happen is that you have protected yourself too well.
My A always tried to take offense that I would assume he could have been drinking. I said, "I have no way of knowing whether you've been drinking or not. But given some things that have happened in the past, I have to protect myself by assuming that you have. I'll continue to do that for as long as I need to for my own personal serenity." He would roll his eyes and act like I was crazy. The fact that he couldn't acknowledge the problems with his behavior in the past showed me that he hadn't really "gotten" it and he was not showing recovery. If he had ever said, "I understand, and I certainly don't blame you, given what happened in the past when I was drinking. I hope my behavior in the future will allow you to feel safer and let down your guard, on your own schedule" - if he had ever said something like that, I would have felt encouraged that he was making progress in recovery. Unfortunately, he never did.
I hope you can take good care of yourself, and that you'll keep coming back.
Thank you both for your very kind words and insight to your experiences. It is such a tough situation to be in. I am so thankful that there are places like this and meetings where there are people that understand. I knew my mom probably wouldn't stay sober, as I mentioned, she has been addicted to one thing or another my entire life. I am just unsure on how to set and hold boundaries. I really (for some reason) don't want her feelings to be hurt and I don't think I want to write them off, despite all the hurt she has done to me personally. I just need to keep working to find a comfortable place in all this. So many feelings and scenarios to sort out. The holidays and all these family obligations bring up so many different situations to deal with, it's very hard. All the dysfunction is so hard to handle sometimes and then add kids to it, my D13 (daughter 13) and my niece (13) and nephew (9). It's hard to know how to handle these situations and do the right thing and be a good parent when I had zero example of that from my own parents. I so appreciate both of you taking the time to read this and respond. It has been the deep cleansing breath I needed. Hugs!
(((babyhorsie))) - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you joined in. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it reaches beyond the drinker to other family members. Al-Anon is for those who are family or friends of the alcoholic and can provide you a safe place to process, set boundaries and learn how to detach from the disease with love for the diseased.
We try to keep the focus on us and what we can control. We work the same 12 steps with the first being an admission that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable. Many Al-Anon members find the second part of this hard as we believe if only they would stop, all would be well. What we truly discover is that living with the disease often distorts our rational thinking process and causes us to act/react as irrationally as they at times.
We also focus as best we can on One Day at a Time. In my case, I always make sure I have a Plan B for events so that I/we can have an enjoyable holiday no matter what the alcoholic is/is not doing. There is tons of hope and help in recovery - for both sides of the room. As far as your mother, her slip, her sponsor, her next steps, etc. - we do the best we can to not concern ourselves with what they are/are not doing. We just instead focus on what we can control, which is us and our actions/reactions.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
