The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night was a fairly good evening. Sunday's are my A's day to visit with the kids here. All was going well. He was kind, made my tea -- which I'm forever running out of lol. He was pleasant. All was good. (waiting for the other shoe to drop???) Well, since he's been visiting we usually end the night with a family game. Last night was rounds of Uno. It was nice, we all laughed. Then he through us a stone, I think each one of us caught it, especially the kids.
We have a cat, one that I believe that God brought to us. The kids had wanted a kitten for so long but the A wouldn't have it. Then the A left, but we have an old dog. So I told the kids that basicly it would have to be a stray that knew how to stand up to our old dog and was accepted by her. Well, God/HP must have been listening. That next evening I walked out on to the front porch and there was this kitten on the rail. (we do not have cats in this neigborhood -- they just dissappear around here w/ the woods and all) She was so beautiful, a Tabby with great markings. I told her if she was around in the morning I'd feed her. The next day I got up and the kids ask what I was doing and I said "feeding the kitten." You should have heard them. What a great day that was. Tiger became part of the family and has been with us about 8 months. She is both an inside and outside cat.
So back to last night, my A has sinus problems with about everything. If it not this, it's that. He's been complaining recently (this is pollen weather here, everything is budding out) and during the game he mentioned the cat, then said to us "It's a good thing I don't live here." It was just how he said it, like the cat would have to go. I know this sound so small, but even in my thinking I thought how could we get rid of her? I could see that was exactly what the kids were thinking. They would do anything to have him back in the house, even get rid of the cat. Isn't it awful. I'm trying so hard to help them feel whole. Maybe one day they will realize it is a good thing their dad didn't live here.
What is it that Alanons have cats, and A's hate them?? I have had my cats for 10 and 11 years. I had them when A and I started dating. Everytime he gets mad, he starts in about the cats. He's gonna kick them out, they stink, they leave hair, etc. etc.
But, ya know, they don't drink, and I like that!
Isn't it also weird how everything can be going good, then the A has to start in on something....anything to drag us down. I hate it. I am dog-paddleing so hard just trying to stay afloat amidst all of this madness, blaming, and hatefulness.
One day at a time, is all I can handle.(((((((lunamoth and kids and kittycat)))))))
I think that it is called "yanking your chain". When things become too normal or you are in control and not them, they have to do something to connect with you or steal the power back. I have always had cats (and dogs). They are my touchstone for good times and bad. God, knows, my A doesn't come through when I need him the most. I have a new cat that had 4 kittens. They are such a pleasure to watch. And as Becky said my cat doesn't drink and is not a dry drunk like my A. Although my A moved out he said something similar this weekend (spooky the coincidence). I told him about the cat having kittens. He said well I am glad I am not there or I would have to put them in a cage and leave them to die......
What a hard call for your kids. I think I would go with the cat until the A matured. There is medicine for allergies/sinuses. Kudos to you for doing things as a family.
Hi Luna, I feel for you. I've always had pets (currently a horse, 3cats and a dog) My A has never seemed to find any joy in them and said he tolerated them as they were a part of my life. Kudos to him for that. They went right on doing what they do best, giving unconditional love to everyone. Unbidden, my A would muck out and groom the horse, feed all the animals when necessary (grumbling), walk the dog (also grumbling) but occasionally I would catch him petting them or 'talking' to the cats! I realised he loved them too but in his 'mans way'. I used to joke when he 'had a moan' that he would go before the pets did! I don't want this to sound flippant as I honestly never thought we would split up. I also considered re-homing my cats when my A suddenly became allergic. It transpired that in our case he was actually allergic to an illegal substance he had been taking!
The sad truth was that my A actually did end up leaving our home before the pets did. During his absence I became too ill to care for my beloved little 'critters' to the standard they deserved. My Mum 'shared' the horse and ended up taking on full responsibility for her care though I shared financial responsibility. I ended up moving in with my Mum (with all my pets) until I recovered from this particular relapse. She had pets too so it was like living in a zoo! When it came time for me to go home, I had some difficult choices to make as I knew I still couldn't care for my pets properly and was worried they would find it difficult to adjust as they had a whole bedroom at Mums, a garden and were surrounded by fields. I live in a small flat, with no garden and surrounded by roads. Before I got my pets I okayed my living arrangements with the vet. I rang my vet again explaining the changes and he said it may work but there could be adjustment problems and reminded me that a loving home was more important than the physical criteria and that many cats live in suburbia. He also suggested i had a plan B.
After much heartache, prayers and many tears, my Mum offered for them to stay with her as long as I continued to support them financially. It was the answer to my prayers. I didn't have to give them up to strangers, I knew they would be well cared for and in an environment they knew and loved and I would see them regularly. One cat came home with me as he was 'couch potato' and settled in fine. Eventually my A and I reconciled. As i did not make these choices feeling that my A had forced my hand I had peace with my decisions. A happy ending for everyone.
I didn't have children and my circumstances were not the same as yours but what I'm trying to show through sharing my experience is that it all worked out for the best. It may be a 'small thing' to some but it wasn't for me. Hand it over to your HP and i'm sure you'll get your answers and know what to do for the best. It's such a shame your children should wonder if they re-home the cat maybe Daddy will come back. It was perhaps unfair of him to imply it but that's his disease and your doing the best you can today for yourself and your family.
What a great day that was. Tiger became part of the family and has been with us about 8 months. She is both an inside and outside cat.