The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning! Our reading today points out the incredible adaptability of humans, evident even in the chaotic and disruptive world where alcohol plays a harmful role. When the disease puts a halt to healthy family functioning and ways of getting our needs met, we often adopt less healthy and efficient strategies.
In such difficult or threatening environments, we may find some utility in various forms of manipulation as means to get what we want and need. In AlAnon, however, we come to realize that manipulation is no longer necessary, and contributes to our insanity.
When working our recovery program we can put our adaptive skills to use again. But this time for developing a direct, honest approach to what we need rather than relying on guilt or deception. A large part of letting go of manipulation involves our response when our request is not met: acceptance.
It may be a challenge, but a life free from manipulation is one with more peace and serenity. "We can choose to behave with personal integrity, not because it will make someone else feel better, but because it reflects a way of living that enriches and heals us." ...In All Our Affairs
************ Manipulation is a sneaky one... My manor was usually quite direct, so I once thought I lacked this character defect. Working Step 4 and meditating on the topic of Control revealed my manipulation of choice: when my advice or recommendation was not followed, I would repeat, reword, reemphasize until I got the result I wanted.
With a lot of focused program work, I have made good progress with saying what I need to say, saying it once, and letting it go...still a lot of work to go, but it's progress and I'm taking it! As with all the recommendations and guidance from AlAnon I have tried, I found that trying to live without manipulation and with honesty and acceptance to be a much better way of living.
I love the peace and serenity I have in my life now, and am so grateful for the program and the fellowship
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
I do love the freedom of only needing to say something once now. My old way was rephrasing, restating etc as well and sometimes people would feign compliance just to shut me up....that was probably as close to 'victory" as I ever got.
Al-anon taught me that it is my responsibility to speak my truth when I need to but not my responsibility to make anyone else understand it; what they do with the information is their business, even if they choose not to hear it. If they don't want to help me achieve my aim then I can find another way to go about it. It's a lot less work this way and it saves a lot of resentment and frustration
Hello Paul, Thank you for posting your thoughts on today's reading. I too was amazed to discover how manipulative I had become and had always prided myself on being honest and open .
Thanks to program, the Steps and a sponsor I learned to " Say what I mean and mean what I say without saying it mean". I practiced doing this by sharing honestly at meetings, keeping an open mind while attending meetings, working the steps while accepting my humanity and that of others.
Thank you Paul for the daily, your service and your ESH.....I too can relate to the "aha" moment of identifying my use of manipulation in subtle yet quite powerful ways. I am also a straight shooter so figured I already knew how to speak my truth. Like you, the telling action was when others wanted/needed to do things their way - I just could not accept that my way was not the better path.
I also believe we manipulate situations at times to avoid looking at our part. I spent a ton of time, energy, words and mental space blaming others to suit my ego/needs. If I could sit here and blame the alcoholic or the disease for all that was wrong around me, I manipulated the truth to avoid looking at my role and me. I truly showed up here thinking I was fine and all would be well if only.
I now fully understand that when their is chaos/drama, it's necessary I focus on me, how I am feeling, acting, reacting or responding to what's going on. The more time I spend on what they did, when they did it, how they did it, how stupid it was, the farther I am moving from my spiritual journey. Blaming others for my lot in life was me manipulating the truth and my part big time.
This disease is powerful, cunning and baffling. Recovery and brutal honesty have helped me realize just how insane my thinking truly was. Make it a great, great Wednesday! Meeting day for me and we finally have 'real fall' weather!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
