The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I may need to make a watercolor poster of this list for myself . . . Something to hang in my bedroom and remind myself to stop these unhealthy habits of mine
<3 thanks
Great list LinSC - love it....easy to understand and easy to 'check off' or assess. I think it's important for us to understand that if we have an enabling mindset or personality, we tend to enable well beyond the alcoholic/addict.
Example - we deliver the forgotten homework or lunch to the school for our child. Once or twice is fine over the course of a school year or two. However, my oldest was often unwilling/unable to get himself and his needed things together for school. As I enabled him, his pattern or habit bled over to sports, band, etc. I went to the grade, middle and high school far more times that I ever should have because I enabled him to develop the habit/pattern. A boundary with consequences fixed this - the longer I enabled, the longer it took for reality to apply.
This is a simplified example. There are many I could detail out. I just wanted to add to your list that we as enablers are probably enabling well beyond our qualifier. There is not a fine line between helping another and enabling another - we just believe there is.
Love this list and post! Thanks for sharing!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What I learned about enabling is that the outcome is always worse for me than I intended when I started it. What helps me changing my enabling behaviors is my memory of what it use to be like and what happened in the past. It causes me to change what it is that I want for a consequence to my actions. ((((hugs))))
Thanks for the post. It's hard for me to admit that I needed to read it, but the fact is that I do, and I probably ought to have it tattooed on my arm so I can look at it daily.
I struggle a lot with this. More than one professional has told me that I'm an enabler. I can't think of ways to stop other than to completely detach. Like, I pretend in my mind that we're not married, and that I'm not With him. When I think, "oh, we should be like married people", I start doing the list in the post. Apparently I don't know how to be a healthy spouse. I just don't know where to draw the line between "being a supportive friend" and "being part of the problem". I saw a counselor about this and she said, "if you have to ask, you are enabling". But that was not a helpful answer. Or at least, the only conclusion I could draw was to "pull back and just pretend to be an acquaintance".
I often wonder what it must be like to have a happy and healthy marriage. I feel like I have never known what that is. In our early years, I know I stuck my head in the sand every day. I am more than a little certain that a chunk of our current problems stem from me being unwilling to confront the truth. Now my head is out of the sand, but the damage is done. Sigh.
What I learned about enabling is that the outcome is always worse for me than I intended when I started it. What helps me changing my enabling behaviors is my memory of what it use to be like and what happened in the past. It causes me to change what it is that I want for a consequence to my actions. ((((hugs))))
Thank you for sharing this. This is my experience too. If I rush in to "help" AH, the whole situation gets bigger and worse.
Whereas if I stay back and mind my own business, usually things just fizzle out.
I only get the exciting feeling of wanting to rush in and enable when it is a dysfunction person I am with. With normie's. I don't feel that urge or burst of excited misery. it then feels natural to mind my own business or possibly be involved in a sane way.
My tummy can tell the difference. Insane enabling or pleasant team work.
Gosh, rereading my above post. I do tend to forget that when I interact with normie's, I behave like a normie myself!!
It is only when I choose to be in the company of addicts etc that all my messed up behaviours come rushing up to the surface.
I like normie's. I didn't used to. I found them boring and full. Ha, no rush of adrenaline for me therefore I dismissed them as boring! **Cough cough ego? Me?? Much? ***
Anyway now I have pulled my head out of my own rear end a bit, I see it differently.
I consciously seek out normie's. I recognise them by the feeling in my tummy. Plus usually they are the people behaving nicely, not dominating the room or middled aged people dressed as teenagers!!
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Saturday 12th of November 2016 03:14:40 AM
I can relate Calm Lady! As I work on recovery and my sanity has been restored, I too tend to seek out healthier people than before. It gives me great training for when I am with family (dysfunction/disease) and my qualifiers. It is so refreshing to be able to be me and no longer need to 'help' others. They are blessed with the same God as I as well as most, if not all, of the same skills as I.
So grateful to 'see' clearly my role before, what's happened and what it's like now. (((Hugs))) - still a great thread for growth, ponder and recovery!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I did a lot of enabling with my son. I felt the need to always be there and help because I divorced his dad and there was no father figure around, I felt guilty. What a mistake....!
I hear you LinSC - because my AH was distant and not really 'here' (travel for work + hiding/drunk when home), I too enabled. I tried to be superhuman mom + dad + more than humanly possible. It was a mistake - I also sheltered them from who he really is and I view that as a mistake too...I am grateful that I am learning a new, improved way to be their mother....
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can relate Calm Lady! As I work on recovery and my sanity has been restored, I too tend to seek out healthier people than before. It gives me great training for when I am with family (dysfunction/disease) and my qualifiers. It is so refreshing to be able to be me and no longer need to 'help' others. They are blessed with the same God as I as well as most, if not all, of the same skills as I.
So grateful to 'see' clearly my role before, what's happened and what it's like now. (((Hugs))) - still a great thread for growth, ponder and recovery!
Hi IAmHere
I smiled, yes i view it as training. Learning what healthy people are like and how they interact! I had no idea. I needed a handbook or guide. Thankfully I found that in our program. Watching healthy people is so helpful.
I like to watch people, not celebrities but normal people, being interviewed on TV. How they interact. Also useful. I like the quietly spoken ones who answer the questions slowly and thoughtfully.
Now it really is only AH in my life that I need to be on my toes with. All dysfunctional relatives have either passed away or emigrated. I am blessed to have a healthy brother in my life.
So really if I allow any other dysfunctional people into my life it will be solely of my own doing. I am aware not to let that happen. I value my peace too much.
So I can focus on becoming well myself.
I had a nice bit of practice at my Slimming World club this morning, a lady who sets off my warning tummy siren kept trying to engage with me. I was polite but distant. I was getting all sorts of weird feelings as she spoke to me. I don't know her well she doesn't come along often.
Anyway long story short, in her share around the room, she was telling an 'hilarious' tale about getting drunk and violent at a works do during the week just gone!
Tummy...gut feelings are good your gut usually knows best for you. I think that is part of "intuition"
I think so too. I am very very excited that mine works properly again.
God gave us all these useful skills in our bodies. Very thankful to be connecting with mine again.
Also been using it to work out what foods are right for me and what are not. Loving this journey. Some foods make me feel peaceful some do the opposite.
