The material presented
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As it was suggested in my last post, all was revealed. I found the stash - 15 bottles behind a wall, in the very closet whose door opening/closing I was having issues with. Fifteen bottles, all empty. I have a baseline. If more show up, I have my answer, and I'll know the truth.
While that's comforting in a way...I'm not sure where that leaves me. Where do I go from here? The boundiary was 'If he drinks again, I leave.' If he's not drinking, great. They're just old bottles. If he is... I don't know if I can actually leave, if I have the spine to do it. I know my needs are not being met, that my trust is broken yet again, but I honestly don't know if I can utterly destroy our lives. If he had been acting the way he had for the past several years, yeah. I could walk away, easy. But things have actually been ok. Not great, but ok. Do I keep on the path of OK, or completely obliterate everything and start over in the hopes of something better?
I really hope those bottles are old so I don't have to make this decision.
Spider you are working overtime and so his drinking or not drinking owns you. Sad with you on this I remember doing the like and the memories are not good. We have so many tools to help like slogans of "Easy Does it", "Let go and Let God", "When in doubt Don't". The elders and winners at the meetings were gold for me and for her also because it kept me out of her face until I would leave. Be good to yourself as he isn't. ((((Hugs))))
I remember this horrid dilemma. The whole if I find one more that's it and it never came although the bottles did. If you or he's not in a recovery programme then I don't see how it gets better drinking or not. The way I understand the disease is the drinking is only one part of the disease. So for me what's the difference between your relationship with drink and without it? Chances are it's not good either way. It's all tiptoeing on egg shells negativity resentment all equalling misery just to different degrees. This was my experience of both a dry or not.
Your language is very apocalyptic: "utterly destroy our lives," "obliterate everything." Leaving would be a change, for certain. But I remember that my therapist suggested to me that all-or-nothing thinking was the kind of thinking the alcoholic engaged in, and wasn't really reality. If you decided to leave, some things would be challenging and painful, and some things would be freeing and better. You wouldn't be worried about more bottles appearing behind the wall, for instance. You wouldn't worry about what happens when the drinking accelerates after the mild period. And all of the craziness that we all know comes along with bad drinking: the lying, sneaking, spending, drunk driving, false promises, slurring, baiting, belligerence, forgetting, or some combination of those. There would be sorrow, but also relief.
When I had decided to separate from my A, I had a panic attack when it actually came down to it. I was so terrified that I was making an irrevocable mistake and that I would be lonely, remorseful, isolated, and devastated. I was utterly surprised when I woke up the next morning with a sense of lightness and freedom - which has never left.
But maybe this isn't the time for you to make that decision. Only you will know. I kept saying "So-and-so is my bottom line," but then when so-and-so would happen, I would drag my feet and say, "Actually, that other thing that hasn't happened would be my bottom line." I wish I had thought more seriously about a bottom line beforehand, instead of always setting different terms for myself. So maybe your bottom line will become obvious to you.
It's definitely harder to follow through on leaving when it seems to be a relatively smooth period. If only those periods didn't end.
Thank you all for some excellent words of support and wisdom. It was actually a huge relief somehow knowing I'd found the stash, and I feel more in control. Which is absurd because I gave into the urge to snoop, which means the alcoholism is controlling me. I'm just going to let it ride for now, refocus on myself, go walk the dogs, and see if I can't figure out what I need to do to take care of me.
"God walk the dogs" ...excellent. Since I lived in an apartment complex that didn't allow for dogs I got fishes....LOL yes I did in a 50 gallon aquarium and they were little to start yet the more I "walked" them the bigger they got and more beautiful and then...I relapsed and went back to the "fish" I married and had to start all over again only with birds which are still very delightful and keep me out of the disease business still. You are so worth the peace of mind and serenity promised by the program...In support. (((((hugs)))))
