The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find it amazing that once you allow yourself to open up and feel and express those feelings they just come and sometimes overflow. I had a chance to go to a Women's convention and hear Elizabeth George (author) speak and listen to a wonderful performer named Jennie Owens this weekend. Jennie is blind but writes and performs her own music on piano. She has an amazing voice and gift of lyric. I have never been a person who show's emotion publicly and because of that I have gotten the image of being a "bulldog" or someone who is just unshakable. Well, I knew in the world of business that might be fine, but when it comes to world of people and myself it stunted my emotional growth and my ability to share and be myself with others. This weekend was very emotional for me, but I have really practiced the art of "One Day At A Time." I allowed myself to go up to alter and pray for healing of my emotions, my codependency, my "a's" addictions and his own healing. The thoughts and tears just flew out of me, and I guess I had to surrender my will and let HP have it, what better place than at his feet and alter.
I found myself giving thanks to HP for another day with my kids and their Dad, because I honestly didn't believe that I would get another chance. My "a" has been quiet and distant. I can tell he's in pain. He appeared to be very confident in his decision to try again and move back home, so he did. He felt that it was important to move home for the boys and allow the repairs in our relationship to happen. However, he is unable to talk about the affair and he's unable right now to hear my feelings about the affair and our relationship. The girl is still text messaging I love you's to him. I gently confronted him and he stated that she is the one that lost out in this whole thing and that he does not return her feelings of love. I believe my "a" truly wants to make our relationship and family work, but he is so used to communicating in such an unhealthy way that me being relaxed and non-confrontational is freakin him out. I figured out yesterday that he is waiting for the "shoe to drop" and me to blow up at him. This way he can leave again and blame me. I gently told him that the other shoe is not going to drop. I may get emotional at times with good right, but I am bound and determined to continue the healing and my changes. I cannot speak for him. I continue to pray for his recovery and healing and have given him the freedom to choose what he needs to do in his life.
In my heart I believe that when a person is feeling hurt, guilt, and shame and they can't deal with it they can't talk about it either. I let him know that when he's ready I'll be listening.
Meanwhile, I'm taking care of myself, my kids, my home, my responsibilities. This is not the time for me to wear my heart on my sleeve because it wont be productive right now. In time, he may come around and want to talk more and get involved more like he used to. We have been apart for six weeks, and in that time he was living a different life with different people. He has done some changes for the good like eating healthier and trying to live calmer and more peaceful. It's something I think we can build on if he allows it to happen. The "fantasy" is that everything will miraculously be wonderful, but the reality is that alot of damage has been done and it will take a great deal of time and committment to make the changes. Thanks to all for your prayers and support I felt them through out this difficult time.
Hugs to all,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
This past Sunday Rose and I went to see Dr. Jessie Duplantis at a local church. Dr. Duplantis is a world renowned Christian evanelist (on over 700 broadcast channels) who was once a rock and roll performer, did more than his share of alcohol and drugs, and then one day as he puts it, met the Lord on the throne. In the bathroom of a hotel they were staying at.
The theme of his 400,000 member minsitry is "Got Overflow?" He talks about the overflow that comes into peoples lives when they start to heal from the past, stop creating the wreckage of their future in the corners of their minds... and start living, loving and laughing again.
Hurt in life is a given... it comes to all of us in a variety of ways. When it is yours, it matters not what the source of it is, but the fact you are the target of it, makes it feel like the worse hurt in the whole wide world. Dr. Duplantis shares that hurt people, hurt people. That if we are not careful we will spend far more time hurting than healing, and we can thereby fulfill our own prophecy of misery and doom.
When we allow ourselves to start the healing process, love starts to move in us again, come out of us and be available around us again. It flows so freely, with such a force that there is an overflow of it.
Love has a few companions. Peace, Serenity, Freedom (from bondage of self and others) and Patience.
I went through a relationship issue simliar to yours, that had me tore up from the floor up, needing a check up from the neck up. It hurt so bad, so deep, that it rocked the core of me. One day while crying to my sponsor he said. "John, you are blessed". To hurt this much means you love sooo much. Your capacity to love is awesomely hugh. Your heart is a wide open vessel to send and recieve it. Don't let this situation take that away from you, many die without having felt what you feel today, going out or coming in. You were given an overflow of love, that needs to be shared again. Allow yourself permission to heal, stop punishing her with your snide remarks, and/or silence. She too needs to heal from a self inflicted wound and your holding so tightly to the hurt acts as a block to the kind of love that will allow the both of you to heal... unconditional love.
Let it flow... you have far more than your share of it, don't horde it. Love her until the day comes she can love herself again."
Overflowing,
John
-- Edited by John at 10:45, 2006-03-20
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
It sounds like you had a terrific weekend! I am glad you were able to get away and think of you, and work on you. I hope you can keep this peace you have found and work it all one day at a time!
