Here is a point that you may be able to answer.... I have a teenage daughter with serious problems that are not alcohol or dysfunction relayed she is just a kid going through her teen years in the worst way...it's made me feel very anxious and overwhelmed . My son is 31 yrs old and won't work a normal job to support himself and smokes alot of pot etc. Would I turn my back on these kids to make myself comfortable by detaching? HELL no. WHY would Alanon say it's best to detach? Parenting and family is not always a picnic in the park but we hang in there because we love them. I do not agree with detachment unless that person is draining your bank account, stealing etc. Not just to remove an uncomfortable situation. It'S terrible this is taught.

Aloha Sportgear we (the Al-Anon program fellowship) are as a whole just as powerless over your conditions as you are.  We didn't Cause them, cannot Control them and will not Cure them; easily referred to as the 3Cs of recovery.  I once heard a recovery member (AA) say in a conference that for as long as he was in AA he never once heard another recovering alcoholic say, "I am so grateful to my mother for saving me from my alcoholism".  I found in recovery that I could do so much more about changing my situation, which was insane and suicidal by allowing the suggestions to take hold in my life and focus on changing my beliefs and behaviors.   Was there anything wrong in me? Most of what was skewed and out of whack was in me and if and when I could change that the outcomes would change and become more acceptable.

My 50 year old son who had years of dryness went back to drinking and using.  He once attended a recovery meeting with me and his step-mother and after the meeting fled to his vehicle saying over his shoulder I now know why you guys attend these meetings.   He didn't get it and didn't spend the necessary humility to see more.  Not long after he "went back out" blew up his family before he left leaving them in the shambles they are in now and is out there living it as his compulsions invite him to.  He is all over the place...not a bad person...more like a crazy person.  He used to live with me when he was  19 and practicing the using life.  I was already in Al-Anon for years and I knew what to do if he didn't seek another perspective and clean up.  I divorced him and moved into a smaller house.  He could visit when he cared to and I could accept or not the personality that visited which is what he and I needed to experience. 

It is still that way and he is not allowed to drag his drinking and using habits and toys into our life when he comes to visit.  My wife and I do not allow that to happen with him or any of the many alcoholics and addicts we know today. We are a sober and sane  life style and work on a daily basis to maintain that. 

My wife and I have a combined 60 years of recovery and with the exception of the meetings and events we attend you would not be able to recognize other than how we act and respond with daily life.  We have had our sanity restored as mentioned in the 2nd step in that manner.  She has her program as I have mine which compliment rather than compete.  We are considered "different" by many others; that is enough feedback for us. 

There are so many powerful experiences available in our program many of which it is hard to put a finger on as being more important than another.  Our recovery weaves inside of ourselves  and with others.  My recovery included not only what I have learned and experienced and know and also what is practiced by the fellowship including this e-family MIP.  I come here daily to sit and listen and read and learn and also to give away what I've learned that has helped me understand and evade the insanity I used to live in.  This is a blessing and has become a tool for me. 

I can only suggest what has worked for me from the beginning which came when I surrendered myself to a God of my own understanding as suggested by Al-Anon.  It promised I could be brought to sanity...."a continuous and orderly process of thought" ...if and when I completely surrendered...that is what worked for me and still does in miraculous ways.

You can and will still have your doubts and resistances until that day as you continue to practice, it leaves and you arrive at the freedom from doubt and fear we have.

Keep coming back...sorry if this is too long I tend to care deeply.    In support.   ((((hugs))))

I think maybe what is going on here is a confusion of vocabulary.  "Detaching" in the Al-Anon sense is a way of not letting someone else's negative emotions and chaos give us our own negative emotions and chaos.  Sometimes it means things like "I just get too upset when I see you, I will have to turn that down," sometimes it just means not engaging in an argument with someone in the same room.  It is healthy boundary setting.  It reduces the intensity. 

There is also cutting someone off and refusing to deal with them, in an angry way, which actually increases the intensity.  Instead of intensity of engagement, you get cold and hostile aloofness.

Now it's true that in trying to get to a serene detachment, many of us go through the cold aloofness stage, because we're beginners and we don't have practice at doing it more serenely.  Ideally, though, we get to where the intensity is decreased.

But it's also true that when one person takes a step back - healthily or unhealthily, either one - sometimes in the other person it can produce a kind of craving to get them to respond again.  I've experienced this again and again with my alcoholics.  Being an alcoholic is always like "taking a step back" because they are not really emotionally available to anyone.  So they withdraw into alcohol, and I feel a craving to pursue them.  "They 'should' be responding to me!" I say to myself.  I have approximately one ton of recovery and one zillion hours of working on myself, and yet I saw a Facebook post tonight from one of my former qualifiers and I was immediately sent into a spiral of craving and telling myself "He should be more responsive to me!  Why isn't he?  I can't stand it!"  And I had to sit down and talk to myself: "It feels like this, but these are old dynamics, do not step into the chaos," etc. etc.  So just to say that that dynamic is very deeply embedded.

So the more they withdraw, the more we tend to respond - pursue, or feel rejected and aggrieved, or angry, or just emotional and upset.  The intensity gets ramped up.  It feels awful.

The saying that helped me was "Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing."  Because I wanted to win, I wanted to get the respect and response I deserved, **** it!  But as the other Al-Anon saying is, "You can't get bread from a hardware store."  We may need the bread, we may deserve the bread, the hardware store may look open - but it simply isn't available there.  Many of us (most of us?) have families like that.  They can't give us what we want.  When we show up asking for it, we're trying to "win."  The only way we can get what we want is to go to sources that can give it.  

I hope you'll take good care of yourself.

I believed it was more valuable to trust the old timers...the winners...those who had been in and worked the program successfully for a long time and I did.  The new comers like my self had little real working and workable experience with helping others in this life threatening disease and so I followed that suggestion which is mentioned at the end of each and every one of our face to face meetings, "If you keep and open mind, you will find help".  I sincerely hope you find the help you need.  (((Hugs)))

Sportgear wrote:

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Also, when you go 3 Christmas with no where for you family to go and celebrate you can criticize how I feel about the idiot who told my mother this is the way to handle things.

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 I share this experience, but longer.  I was disowned by my FOO from age 17-22.  I was not allowed around them, near them, at their home, at holidays, etc.  I was bitter, hurt, angry and more for a long while.  

However, in recovery, I learned how to find my part in the chaos/drama.  I made my amends to clean up my side of the street.  I made the overture to mend fences/relationships.  As the child and youngest in the family unit, I was the bigger person.  It was a choice; I could have chose differently but I wanted to be a part of instead of a part from.

I would like each member to practice proper forum etiquette when responding.  We share our experience, strength and hope.  We do not focus on our qualifiers and we do not condemn another member's share, beliefs, opinions, etc.  I will edit/delete posts that are offensive or attacking other members.

We all have a right to share our ESH.  We do not have a right to pick apart another person or their beliefs.  We are a recovery forum and choose to live in the solution.  Please do your part to be a part of the solution and not part of the problem.  Thank you...