The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was told in my f2f meetings that I should do my fourth step with a sponsor.
I don't have a sponsor, and I don't think I'll have one for a long while because I can only get to meetings once a week. It's difficult to get to know people in such a large group, with only an hour to engage and short snippits of thought from each person. I feel like I'm ready to move forward with it.
Should I just do it on my own, and when the time comes that I do have a sponsor, do a 4th step review and correction/in depth look if necessary?
Hello Sarah, it is generally suggested that we not work the fourth step until we have a sponsor because we are very hard on ourselves and when me go inward and discover the negative aspects of our behavior, we tend to overreact.
A sponsor can usually direct us in the right direction. Make a positive suggestion as to the fact that the defect is an asset that has gone awry, etc.
if you are willing to work the fourth step alone,t we do have a step work board here that might prove helpful. I've attached the link to the fourth step posted up there. You can review what others have posted and attempt to answer the questions.
We don't take just one fourth step in a lifetime so you can try to make this your first attempt and good luck
Hi SG, I am sure other members with more experience will share some of their experience, but for what it's worth, here is mine. I lost my sponsor just before I began Step 4, but felt ready to move forward.
I purchased 'Blueprint for Progress: Al-Anon's Fourth Step Inventory' from AlAnon Family Groups, and worked through it along with the Step 4 in 'Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts' and Step 4 on the Steps board here on MIP.
A sponsor is recommended and a best choice, but I found the workbook to be extremely helpful, and would recommend it to anyone working Step 4, even with a sponsor. I found it helpful to stir thoughts, feelings, and insight that I likely would not have on my own, or perhaps even with sponsor. It was a bit of work, but absolutely worth it.
Whatever you choose, good for you for working forward, keep up the great work
EDIT: Betty, I was typing when you posted, did not intend to contradict with my comment. I understand the idea behind the sponsor, was not aware of it.
-- Edited by Enigmatic on Monday 31st of October 2016 02:46:38 PM
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
I am working the fourth step with my sponsor and it has ben incredibly helpful because she helped me look at my positives first. She is very kind to me and I think it would have been a harder process to do it alone. I only go to meetings once a week too but I tried a few different meetings (other nights a week) to meet some new people. It isn't easy to find a sponsor these days. Wishing you all the best with whatever you decide to do.
Like Paul, I lost my sponsor just prior to beginning step 4 and decided to press on solo using Blueprint for Progress and Paths to Recovery. A sponsors guidance would be ideal but if it isn't possible, it isn't possible! As Betty says, you needn't consider it a 'once only" event and can always revisit it, as many times as you like. There are many ways to peel this onion
I was in al-anon for a long time before finding a sponsor. The first time I did step work, I did it on my own and used Blueprint for Progress on my fourth step, as well as some al-anon worksheets I found online. I started working with a sponsor this spring who wanted to do the steps with me in a one per week fashion. That was too fast for me. I told her I needed more time than a week and she dumped me! I asked someone else to be my sponsor in September. We've met a couple of times, but we aren't really gelling and she says she doesn't do the steps with her sponsees. So I've been working from Blueprint again (and comparing my answers from 8 years ago with my answers now), as well as writing a list with common themes in it. I want to find an al-anon person to do my 5th step with, but I really have a hard time connecting with people outside of meetings. I've called people and they have never called me back (and I figure if they wanted to pursue more of a friendship, they would call me so I stop calling after a couple of times so as not to be lopsided -- although this is related to a bigger issue of socialization scorekeeping).
So for sure, you can do it on your own. And you can do it with a sponsor. And you can do all the steps over and over again for years. The steps aren't a one and done kind of thing (in my experience).
I'm old school and was told the same as Betty - work it, especially your first with a sponsor. Having said that, I do realize that many don't have easy access to meetings, tons of fellowship, etc. and believe if you've worked Steps 1-3 well, you can carry forward with Step 4....The sponsor suggestion is just to make sure you don't go backwards in your recovery. I also agree that there is no one and done - it's a process and we seek progress, not perfection.
I've always been a fan that the program allows us to work it at our own pace. There is no race and there is no finish line. We just do the best we can to move forward in being the best version of us we can - that also changes (the best version).
Good topic and great posts!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
