The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's c2c speaks about the tendency we have to take offense to others hurtful/tactless remarks whilst convincing ourselves that our own hurtful behaviour is "justified", for example interfering or pointing out the failings of an alcoholic loved one over and over with imaginary impunity because "their drinking/behaviour is ruining my life after all".
We can let go of being certain we know what is best for everyone and find freedom in that and with some help we can learn to live and let live.
The reading reminds us that we can honor ourselves by respecting other people's right to make their own decisions about what it best for them.
"Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change. And when we are right, make us easy to live with" (Peter Marshall)
Hello Ms.M. Thanks for the topic. I know that before program I would never find fault with my behavior because I was extremely skilled at justifying my actions or blaming another.
When I entered program and began working the Steps, I was instructed to: "Examine my motives", stop judging and blaming others. It was then that I got a glimpse at my defects in all there glory.
Placing principles above personalities(my own included) enabled me to set up guidelines for my behavior that addressed my tendency to revert to my defects.
Thanks for the topic and your service.
Good morning MissM and Betty. I really look forward to these CtC posts. I really need to change and don't know how or what to start with. Just when I think I may have "gotten" it, a test for the it comes along and I know I haven't. I'm still burning with shame, embarrassment and anger from an assault from one of my qualifiers last week. I wasn't sure if it's at her for showing up uninvited and pushing me down in front of 100 people when I hugged her, or me for not behaving in a smarter way. Examining my motives I realize I was trying to prevent a crisis. I was Not coming from a live and let live place at all. Nor was I detached. It seemed the right thing to do, to hug her and welcome her. Nuh uh. In retrospect, I should have left the area immediately, not tried my alanon tool let it begin with me. Her hand wasn't reaching for help or forgiveness but I didn't see that til her hands were pushing me down. Clearly I have a great deal of work to do. Well today is day 60 for me. Maybe by year 60 I'll "get" it haha. I'll be 123 and totally mentally fit :).
Thank you so much for your service, your sharing, your wisdom and kindness. Have a wonderful day.
So many good points in this readin; thank you, MissM and Betty. I still cringe a bit when I think of some of the damaging, hurtful things I said to others, particularly my qualifier, while justifying it as 'honest' and deserved because 'the truth hurts'.
AlAnon helped me realize that it is not my right to determine what 'truth' is, and certainly not to tell others how they should be living it. Most of it is simply perspective, and none of it in others is my business.
Letting go of that certainty that I know what is best for others has allowed me to enjoy a feeling of peace that long alluded me. Letting go of the burden of being 'right' has been an incredible relief, though still something that still tries to sneak into my thoughts. Powerful line for me in the reading: 'My relationships will improve if I can love myself enough to let other people be themselves.'
Still work to do, one day at a time...thank you for your service
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
This is really helpful to think about today, as I am falling into the trap of taking a particular person's inventory again and again, and it is driving me crazy. "Why can't this person just behave the way I think they should? Obviously it would be so much better!" So easy to get overfocused on someone else and all their "faults." And I can feel so good about how I know the right way (for once!). I think maybe so many years of feeling wrong make me especially grab onto any situation where I feel more right than someone else. Feeling justified feels so good! But I think really maybe feeling extra-right is just as damaging as feeling extra-wrong. Such a hard lesson to learn! Argh! But thanks for helping me think about this more deeply. Clearly the next lesson is right ahead of me and I need to spend some honest time with it.
I believe the opposite of judgmentalism and justifying my judgmental behavior is acceptance.
I was raised in a home without alcoholism. And, as I look back, it was very accepting of sameness and differentness. I remember when I was first married that my SIL told me I was the most accepting person she knew and she liked that about me. After a few years of living with my AH that all changed. I was "judge Judy/Mary". I don't know how I slipped into it. I don't know when I slipped into it. But it was fully revealed in my 4th step. And then Jerry on this board is always hammering away about acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. Yup, Jerry, I've been listening.
This doesn't mean I can't be true to myself. Sometimes these truths are not so earthshaking. Telling a fat person they are fat is not new news to them. Telling someone you think their outfit is ugly (in your opinion) tells more about you than about them. It is plain rude.
Acceptance treats everyone with respect. And it is really hard to do sometimes. I DO know the RIGHT way to do things. At least it is right for me. Their HP may be leading them in a different direction that I think is crazy.
First, thank you for this thread. I'm new to this site and new to accepting that my husband is problem drinker. After a particularly serious argument last night, I find myself emotionally devastated by the things he said and unsure what lies ahead for us. After reading this thread, I see that my deep need to control all things and to be right is driving me towards feelings of "justification" that are deepening the growing chasm between us. I'm not sure what to do about it, but I guess sitting with it and getting the courage up to go to an Al-Anon meeting are pretty practical next steps.
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your struggles. Gaining the courage to change is something I've always struggled with, but the journey is never easy right.
