The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Recently I have developed a crush on a man I know. The intensity of this infatuation has taken me by surprise. Didn't expect to feel like this again. I'm still living with ah partner so its highly unlikely anything can happen with this man, even if he was interested.
I find myself spending too much time thinking about this crush, wondering if he likes me, I even dream about him at night.
I would like to let go of this infatuation. I feel like its taking me away from serenity. We work together so its difficult to avoid him.
I do try to surrender the situation to my HP. I'm trying to let go and trust.
Been there - done that - it didn't work out well for him or me. I have no suggestions but I do understand what you are going through and how strong the pull is to this man that you are feeling infatuated by. I hope whatever happens you don't end up with your heart broken. I wish you the best.
When this happens to me, it's usually not really about the other person. My time spent thinking about "him" allows me to fill in the gaps that exist in my own very dysfunctional situation...you know, make the crush perfect in some way...someone who is kind all of the time, romantic, fun, doesn't dissapoint me, frighten me, anger me, leave me feeling lonely and unthought of and always wishing things were different. A real relationship can be fun, romantic, etc, but I was never focused on a real relationship, just imagining the "what would it be like for this to be in my life"...since it's not.
Hi sunmustshine, yes you are right, it's not really about the other person at all. I'm not happy in my current relationship. My ah has no interest in working together to improve our relationship. I did try to forget about crush and focus on my current relationship. But ah got very drunk on our time away together and it was a disaster!
Great awareness Emma and sunmustshine. I so agree that these scenarios are not at all about the other person, it's us and our effort (distorted maybe) to fill a void within us. For me, when there is chaos/drama/dissatisfaction in my life, I really have to look at me, what's going on with me and how do I change my attitudes/perceptions. I got to recovery (both sides) by looking for solutions outside of myself. No human power could fill the void existing within me, so I ended up abusing substances. Many others have shopping addictions, gambling addictions, affairs, etc.
Denial is such a tricky wicket. We tend to defend our choices/lifestyles by suggesting if xxxx made me happy, I would not do yyyy. When I heard this and saw this over and over and over again in black and white, it helped me see how utterly true it is that happiness is an inside job. All humans crave companionship. All humans want to love and be loved. We want to understand and be understood. Healthy minded people know that these are goals and not all/nothing. Distorted thinking and obsessive minds believe and desire it to be perpetual and uninterrupted.
Al-Anon recovery has helped me see that all the seeking I did outside of me for joy, peace, happiness and satisfaction was keeping me from my authentic joy. It was all about instant gratification vs. real peace of mind and joy. I know today when I am restless, irritable or discontent, I need to look at me and within me for the next right thing.
It's lovely to be wanted. It's nice to dream/fantasize about a crowned princess scenario. Where I struggle is putting my self-esteem into the dream/fantasy instead of seeing it as nothing more than what it is.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I don't know if this is case with you. I'll talk about myself. I had this OCD problem obsessing about this woman who did me wrong. That whole thing was really about my anxiety. How I cured it: I would set aside a time every day, and for 45 minutes straight I would FORCE myself to obsess and think about nothing else. During day, when I would start to obsess I would try to delay the obsession as long as possible and then for 5 minutes just think about it constantly even writing it down over and over and over.
I finally got tired of the obsession and it faded away. It took about 2 weeks. Right now I am working on this bad fear I have of the doctor. It all started when I had some bad experiences with a provider that shall remain nameless. So I guess this fear thing, it's a constant process.
Thank you for sharing about this, Emma. Also many thanks for the responses.
I had a similar 'crush' on someone. It was only quite a long time later and much further along in my recovery journey that I began to understand it wasn't about the man, it was about provinding me with something to obsess about to avoid seeing and dealing with the mess I was living in.
I can relate to this situation a lot. I went from one addict boyfriend to a addict husband and then another addict boyfriend. My pattern has always been when I start to get over my relationship I seek another to make sure I'm not alone. I just went though a very bad break up with my last qualifier. This is the first time I have left a relationship and do not feel the need to find a new one. I think its because my heart is still in this one. But I also realize how damaging my pattern was and am trying to fix it. In my whole life I have never been without a addict to take care of and it has really stunted my personal growth. I have good and bad days. I still think about my ex a lot as its very fresh. But for the most part in my everyday my focus is on me , and it feels really good not to worry so much about another person right now.
I think once we start putting the focus on our self more the looking outward for happiness goes away.
-- Edited by ItsAllAboutMeMC on Friday 28th of October 2016 12:43:29 PM
Hi CalmLady, thanks for sharing your experience. I do feel trapped in a messy situation. I guess its easier to daydream about new guy than to face reality.
For sure Emma. Thank you for sharing your story. When I read things on here that I relate to it makes me take an even deeper look at myself. I feel like when I started recognizing the crazy things I was doing out of habit it set me free a little. I still do make mistakes but I'm getting to know my self on a level I never have and it really is wonderful to see how much things can change just from that.
I finally have accepted this crush, I have stopped resisting it and feel more peaceful about it . I will let it be.
Deep down I know I would like to leave my ah. Although he has some good qualities, I cannot see a future together. His alcoholism is gradually getting worse. He has been threatening violence and I feel at some point he will probably get violent with me. At the moment I cannot afford to leave. I cannot see any solution right now. I'm turning the situation to HP and asking for guidance.
-- Edited by Emma123 on Monday 31st of October 2016 03:14:22 PM
Some years ago I had this experience inside of my Alanon group...
...we were around at a members place, just hanging out... and then i realised, that- through the body language that there was some chemistry going on between me and another member...
...a lot of the sharing in our group was deeply personal, and it is not surprising that some form of bonding had taken place.
The whole thing was very very innocent... and as they say- there is safety in numbers...
...I think this was a turning point for me- when I first realised that I had normal natural emotions...
In short: feelings are nothing to be scared of... they are just feelings!!!
Please don't take any threats of violence lightly. If you feel like this person could hurt you its important to find a safe place to go. Maybe make a friend or family member aware so that they can check in on you. Please be safe <3
Living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us, we do understand. My first suggestion is to make sure you are safe, as MC points out.
My other suggestion comes because I care about you, I suggest you choose your actions wisely. If you are still in a committed relationship, permitting this obsession to run in your head may cause harm to you if it leads to an infidelity. There is a universal law of cause and effect..... aka karma...... aka "what you sow you will reap." When I was tempted to entertain these thoughts before my divorce was final, my sponsor gave me a gem....
"BE the partner you want to have," she said.
I have never regretted being loyal to my alcoholic husband (((hugs)))
I can only hope that someone else suggested to RUN.
I did this. In my marriage. I had a crush on a man.
He was my husbands best friend. He saw me every day, what I was dealing with day in and day out. I was convinced that he understood me, because no one else saw what I was dealing with the way this man did. He heard my husband complain about me, all the nasty things he said. This man told me he felt like I was being wronged.
I couldn't stop thinking about him.
I felt validated, noticed, understood and respected.
fast forward to now, I see that I was preyed upon, used and further abused.
I sought it out though. I brought it on myself.
The only good that crush did for me, was that it made me leave my husband.
I realized that if I was at a point where I had so little respect for him that I would consider sneaking around with another man, I was better off leaving.
I can imagine this scenario is not uncommon..I too, sometimes find myself mildly fantasizing that another man would be all the things my BF isn't..mostly having to do with his alcoholism..these little fantasies don't last long, and im aware of them and tell myself they're silly..but if I were around one of the people daily as you are, I can see it manifesting itself in a much more significant way. Just be aware of what it is you truly find attractive about him. And best of luck to you!
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