The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not quite at that stage of my recovery yet, but it has been on my mind a lot recently.
When it comes to your qualifier, and those who enable your qualifier, do your amends reflect your own participation in the situation?
One that I can think of, and would like to approach when the time is right, is my dad.
He was gone for most of my childhood. Not because he was absent, but because he was building his career and traveling all over the world. Sometimes for weeks at a time.
He was only ever home for short periods of time.
I knew he was a closed off, unemotional person.
I was left in the care of my alcoholic mother. I would sit with her as she cried and drank night after night, telling me how awful a person my father was. How he was most likely having affairs, how he was so mean to all of us.
I was too little to put her words in the proper place, so I grew up hating him. He would make a slight mistake and I would immediately chalk it up to the fact that he didn't love me, he had no use for me. He was an awful, horrible man.
The thing is, he was never an awful, horrible man. He was out, working his butt off trying to make a life for his family. His only mistake, in my eyes, was not understanding (or maybe accepting?) how sick and unable to care for us my mother was.
I don't even know him well. I believed everything my mother said, I was a child. Why wouldn't I?
Now at this stage in my life, I carry a lot of guilt about that. I'm beginning to see that everything I knew to be true, isn't true at all.
He still enables her and is sick in his own way, but I want to approach this topic with him eventually and tell him I am sorry for never giving him the opportunity to show me who he is.
When the time is right & I am well into my steps.
Is this typically what amends look like for those affected by alcoholics? Are we making amends for allowing the alcoholic in our lives to drive our behavior?
The first amends I made were to myself. Its quite typical for acoas to carry excessive guilt ( acoa is Adult Child of Alcoholics) over above and beyond what is typical. Emotions are very complex. I know for myself, the clear line between who was the parent and who was the child has never been there. Its a symptom of alcoholic families. You sound very sad about the relationship with your father and regretful of how your views were formed. From my looking, this was not your fault. It was a logical outcome of the family dynamic over which you had no control. Forgive you for this because it wasn't your fault. From there, a clearer path to others emerges. We examine ourselves first and foremost. There is no outside fix or one wrong thing needing correction, it is most definitely a process. Keep coming back.
I know when I arrived to recovery, looking forward at the steps were a bit frightening to me. I so needed to get a sponsor and work the steps in order as my mind would wonder often/always as you are wondering what, when, who, how, etc. and it took away from the need I had to truly embrace the first 3 steps.
When the time is right, you will now what to do and/or who to approach and/or who gets a living amends and/or .......
Stay in the present and just keep absorbing, embracing and focusing on you and acceptance. Also, I don't know if you are aware but there is another forum attached to list one that is all about the steps. If you look to the top right, you will find it. If you want to start some writing, you are more than welcome to do so. If not, that's OK too! You will need to join up again, but can use the same username/password if desired. That's a good place to see how others before you have approached the steps of the program.
I do fully agree with a4l above me - I truly had to work on forgiving myself first. No matter how many times I heard that I did not cause 'this' - this being the disease, the dynamics, the insanity, the chaos, the drama, the ..... - I was hung up often - if only I had .... and I wish I'd known .... and so many other fleeting faults/blame floated in my head.
Keep coming back - great questions and great topic!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you both for the responses.
I know I am getting way ahead of myself here, something I need to be mindful of in all areas of my life :)
This new awareness has shaken me so deeply. I want what you have.
I do think about the steps and how to work them, when/how/where/what obsessing and not focusing on the moment.
It's true I need to embrace this process and allow it to take its natural course.
It will take a while to find a sponsor. There is an ACOA meeting in my area on the same night as the AlAnon meeting. I'm going to give the ACOA a try this week, see if I fit in there a little better.
Thank you for suggesting the step board as well. I did take a gander over there today. A lot of good reading.
Need to restrain the obsessive eager beaver in my twisty little brain lol
Sarah - I got a chuckle out of the obsessive eager beaver - I can relate!!! I also understand and it will come - it's about progress and not perfection (that used to drive me nuts....)
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
