So much has gone on in the past 3 months. I have not been going to my meetings have not posted but somehow my life has taken a 180 and for the better. Even though I have not been to meetings and on here much I still keep all the slogans and prayers with me everyday and have been working really hard to turn my frustrations over to my higher power.  

It all started with me going back to school to get my GED. I have been scared of it for years. Always finding reasons not to do it. I always thought I have a job and not a bad one either why do I need it? But my thinking started to change and I don't know right when it happened but it did and I'm so grateful. In going back to school I found that I wanted more in life for myself that I can always be reaching higher and it felt so in-powering. Don't get me wrong its not easy I do struggle. I mean I have been out of school for 16 years. But I'm learning and growing. 

Also what came about is I finally moved out of a very unhealthy living situation, and I now have a place of my very own all by myself! My ABF had decided some time ago he did not want to live with our roommate anymore when I brought up looking for a place together he said he did not want to live with me either. So I started looking for places my AFB even went and helped me look at places. Well about a month and a half ago we got in a HUGE fight and even though we lived together at the time did not talk for about a week. In that time I found a place. I'm not going to lie our fight gave me a bigger push to do so but it was not the main reason I got the place. We ended up making up and as soon as we did I told him about the place and he seemed very happy for me. He even offered to help me move. Well the day before the move he said he need to work instead and did not help. I was hurt but had friends to help so just let it go. 

Now here comes the big finally. This week one day I could not get a hold of him and on my way home from school I stopped by as I had a feeling something was up. Turns out he had relapsed and was in bad shape. He kept telling me how sorry he was. I stayed for a few hours and tried to help him though it but when it got a bit later and he seemed better I had no problem leaving. Before I would want to stay and make sure he did not go out a score again. But I had work the next day and my cats missed me. I told him after everything was out of his system I would like it if he came over my place so he did the next night. He was on edge the whole time and was picking fights left and right. I tried to ignore it and even said can we please just try to get along no fights. I'm usally very calm when he starts in one me. This time he was relentless and finally I bit. He said some really mean and hurtful thing. I said some hurtful things to. The mean hurtful things I will usually say are "you don't care and I do so much for you". Even though in my mind those things would not hurt me so much they seem to really hurt him. He returns the hate by saying I hate you and I hope you die miserable stuff like that. Now I know I'm not any better just different but these things hurt so bad I could never nor have I ever said things like this to a loved one. So at this point I have had it with all of it. He was yelling and getting in my face so I told him to leave I was done with all of it and its was over. It took at least another 30 min for him to go, trying to pick fights as hes getting ready. He finally left and its now been 3 days with no talking. I feel ok I guess. I mean I feel good about my station and all that I'm doing for myself but I have this feeling like I'm abandoning him. Growing up with an AP and another one who abandon me I would never want someone to feel the pain of being abandon. I cant imagine anything more hurtful.

The day after the fight his Dad came to town and we are close and talk a lot about many issues and he knows about my ABF struggles with addiction. So he called me looking for him as he could not reach him. I did not tell him about the relapse its not my place I did however tell him we got in a fight and broke up and that I think he is depressed. He was supposed to meet up with his Dad but is avoiding him at this point. I told his dad I'm not going to reach out as its just not a good situation and he totally understands he said hes even going to take a step back and hope that he will come to him.

So yesterday for me I met up with a friend went for a hike then went to a meeting for the first time in 6 months and then went home and rested. Woke up feeling very sick. Anyways no matter how busy I am he's still in the back of my mind and I'm trying so hard not to check in. I'm going to go to meetings when I have time and try and relax and stay out of my head. Thanks for listening <3