The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am severely depressed and I just don't know how to get through this feeling of betrayal.
I have been dating an alcoholic for over a year. We just recently broke up. I know it needed to happen. There were just to many negatives to keep this relationship afloat
1) No intimacy (he's unable to get an erection, at least with me)
2) Constant binges
3) Unreliable
4) Always on FB flirting/chatting
5) Found out he had a "squirt" account (could be sexually confused?)
6) Never helped with ANY of the bills (contributed only to food)
Funny as I am writing this out it all seems to clear as to why I needed to leave, but I can't understand why I feel so heartbroken over someone who treated me this way. Don't get me wrong, when we went out, he always treated. He always wanted to do things, so it wasn't a secret relationship. I was around his family a lot. He would tell me how much I meant to him, but still he was on other dating web sites (I came across that recently), one of which is called "squirt". Yes, it's a gay/bi hook up web site. Where he had ACTIVE conversations. The other one was a regular dating web site.
I read on his FB page that he is ALREADY trying to hook up with other women. I stood by this man for over a year. Supported him in every way. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I'm just looking for some encouraging advice. I'm not planning on going back, but I need to know how to move on from this intense feeling of betrayal .
Trying to heal.......
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Tuesday 11th of October 2016 01:04:50 PM
Welcome starcatcher. Living with and dealing with someone who is exhibiting the disease of alcoholism affects each of us in a very negative manner. I am glad you found us and took the time to list the "facts of the relationship"
Alanon is a support group founded to help families of alcoholics recover from the devastation of interacting with the disease. It is clear that you are no longer in denial and I suggest that it is important for you to search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. The hot line number is in the white pages and meetings are held in most communities.
Here I was given new constructive tools to live by and a supportive network to help me break the isolation caused by lving with the disease .Most importantly I found that alcoholism is a chronic disease that can be arrested but never cured. Since I am powerless over this disease, I must turn my attention to helping myself so I can recover. Please keep coming back. There is hope.
Thank you for your response. I plan on searching out some meetings tonight. I went to a few during the relationship, but stopped going because he thought Al Anon would "turn me against him".
At this moment I was just looking for some encouraging words. I'm not feeling too good right now.
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Tuesday 11th of October 2016 01:07:28 PM
You are not alone and you will find hope and help.
Look for some literature at the meeting. The "Just for Today Bookmark is a useful tool as is the small booklet Alcohlism the Family Disease.
Keep coming back as well.
Starcatcher - welcome to MIP. So glad that you found us and so glad that you shared. Living with this disease is difficult and we often develop warped ways of reacting to the disease - emotionally, verbally, physically, etc. Change is so very difficult even if/when one knows that the change is necessary or positive. Habits are hard to break - even bad ones.
I learned in Al-Anon how to find myself again and how to put myself first. I had spent a ton of time putting other people first - my husband, my children and what happened over time is I lost myself. The disease causes crazy-making all over the place and it took me a while in the program to figure out that the disease reaches well beyond the drinker and affects almost all who live with or love him/her.
There is hope and help in recovery - the meetings, the literature, a sponsor and the steps brought me back to sanity. Keep coming back - you are worth it!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm sorry for your pain - emotionally, mentally and the physical "feeling" of being punched in the stomach. I've been where you're at - my ex ABF and I were together for 8 years - (I won't go into all the lengthy details - you can look up my past posts if you wish to read about it).
He ended things with me at the end of August and today is the FIRST DAY since then that I actually feel at peace. Today is the first day that I went to my job in a good mood. Today is the first day that I honestly don't care if I ever hear from him again.
Unfortunately you are going to have to go through this pain, relive every memory and get out of bed and go on with your day when you would rather pull the sheets over your head and avoid the world. But eventually it will get better. I can't even tell you what it was for me but last night as I was cooking supper something just "clicked". I don't know if it's because I spent the day cleaning house, doing laundry, enjoying the fall day and then cooked a new recipe for supper and had my daughter and her husband over to share it with me. Maybe it was just seeing my 3 shih-tzus hanging out in the kitchen hoping I would drop some of my cooking (lol) - whatever it was it finally happened and I'm grateful for it.
And it will happen for you too! In time. One thing that did help me get through those painful days is I kept reminding myself everything he lied about, how easily he ended our 8 year relationship, and how I should of never believed all the things he told me. So when I thought about the type of man I want in my life it is not someone that is a liar, unreliable, undependable and basically a coward. (He ended things with me in a text message - wow what a man!!! NOT!!) To remember those things about him helped me not contact him and get through my days but the pain was still there I just didn't act on it and do something stupid. Thank God!
Reading posts on this site also helped me a lot - helped me to see and know that I wasn't alone and that I could of had things a lot worse (at least I wasn't financially tied to this man or had children with him). And it helped me to see that others had survived this pain and break-up and gave me hope that I would too. I hope you can get the same inspiration from reading others posts and please know you are not alone. We have all had our hearts ripped out and stomped on whether we were involved with an alcoholic or not. Unfortunately it's a painful part of life but it does make us better and stronger.
Dear friend, take another look at that long list.... the things YOU had to endure in the relationship... that is EXACTLY what the next poor (woman) is going to get from him. He packed up and took himself with him.
yuck.
Alcoholics need enablers. He's going to continue to treat people the crappy way he treated you until they get tired of it too... the next partner will qualify for Al-anon too... Alcoholics are not good relationship material, you had to learn that like the rest of us did.
Put your hand on your heart and send lots of healing love there. Sometimes I fall asleep with my hand over my heart using these affirmations, repeating them over and over... "May I be peaceful.... may I be happy.... may I be safe... may I be free... " (or whatever works for you....)
Do not take his actions personally, his dis-ease has nothing to do with you. You are lovable, even though he couldn't reflect that to you (((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 11th of October 2016 08:05:42 PM
Thank you so much for your reply. It seemed I was doing "ok" until I started thinking about how I was just so easy to replace. It is such a huge feeling of betrayal. I just can't fathom how someone who claims to love you can act that way. I guess that their needs are for more important than the people around them. He's just looking for a replacement immediately so they can take over where I left off. Such a sad situation. Thank you for sharing with me.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. 8 years! I am so sorry to hear that your 8 year marriage was ended via text!
I can't wait until I get to that point where I can feel that relief off my chest. One thing I am thankful for is that we don't have mutual friends, and we don't live near each other to where we would run into each other. I am SO grateful for that.
Thank you for reminding me about that list. It helps to read and re-read that list to remind myself. I found that I am indeed an enabler, and I allowed him to treat me that way. Then it became his expectation that I was always there for him. So I guess when he realized that I was reaching that "done" stage he started actively looking to replace me. Lord forbid he go at this alone. He did me a favor, because who knows when I would have finally said enough is enough and walked away. Thank you to everyone for responding. This has definitely helped open my eyes. I was going to go to an Al-Anon meeting tonight, but my kickboxing class time was changed. I figured I needed to "work it out" today. I will definitely go to an al-anon class tomorrow. I need to stay on track and stop being the "fixer" of everyone else's life, and focus on my own.
Starcatcher2 thanks for coming here and sharing your story,at 1st I read your story it was like I was reading my own story,wow amazing our similarities are with our qualifiers in our lives,I'm also free from having any alcoholic/addicts in my home or around me it had become way to much for me to deal with its now been nearly 3 mths since my qualifiers left my home,today I can actually say that I'm feeling much much better and clearer thinking ,it's definitely diff,living without any qualifiers but soo worth it ,my sanity,self worth,health,etc are lots better and getting better everyday,taking it one day at a time and staying in the moment ,constantly reminding myself to keep the focus on myself,hey it works,starcatcher2 you are truly a miracle in progress,you are definitely in the right place for sharing ....hugs lu
Hi Starcatcher! I'm new here but I want to tell you that I went through the same you had to endure with an alcoholic person. This relationship felt really intense and I was having a lot of trouble trying to move on, felt attached to this person even when I knew all he did to me and the awful way he treated me most of the time. Here, by reading this posts full of experiences and great people willing to support others, I have found peace to keep on healing. There are definitely many aspects to learn involving addictions and relationships with someone going through those hard experiences, thats why going to meetings and come here is very important. I can tell you that now Im feeling stronger and really making progress, once I learned how to let go on something you dont have control of (our partners or relatives' illness) and focus on my self recovery with all the aspects this involves ( have a real look at what's going on inside of us and face it- this is the real challenge-). It's been some months now since I ended a 9 month relationship that was dragging me to a dark and deep hole, I can relate to many things you describe, but believe me you will be back to yourself calmer, wiser and stronger than ever, very aware of what you dont want in your life anymore. So hang in there, you are not alone . Sending you lots of good vibes! Angela
Alcoholics need a person to control their chaos because they cannot. They cannot live without one. In fact if they know their current chaos controller is on his/her way out or detaching from the chaos they will start to look for another. Alcoholics do not believe they are one of many specs on the planet but instead encompass a whole big part of the planet and strategically place us "normal" specs around them. For some reason despite being treated as you have described, which is typical, we try to get in their big bubble but they only allow us in to control a part of their chaos and quickly shove us back out. I know it hurts right now, but thankfully you are no longer his chaos controller and that job will need to fall on someone else. Pass the torch on to them and do whatever you can to distance yourself, block them on social media sites, etc so you don't have to see it. My RAH did this repeatedly to me, talking to women, drinking in strip clubs, dating sites, he even sent pics of himself, (in his mountain dew pajama pants with his big ole beer belly, OMG) is still hurts that he did it but once I learned that it wasn't me, it was his disease and the need to always have that chaos controller, it became somewhat easier. Ive a long way to go on forgiveness for that, one day at a time. Do what you can for you and keep coming back, you are not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. 8 years! I am so sorry to hear that your 8 year marriage was ended via text!
I can't wait until I get to that point where I can feel that relief off my chest. One thing I am thankful for is that we don't have mutual friends, and we don't live near each other to where we would run into each other. I am SO grateful for that.
You are very welcome! And yes be VERY GRATEFUL you don't have mutual friends and don't live near each other. We don't have mutual friends but we live in a very small town and I often have to see him driving around - as of last week it felt like a knife in my stomach gutting me every time I would see his truck - haven't seen him since I've felt some relief so don't know how I will feel when I do.
Yep pretty s****y - a text message - wow - what a coward.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. 8 years! I am so sorry to hear that your 8 year marriage was ended via text!
I can't wait until I get to that point where I can feel that relief off my chest. One thing I am thankful for is that we don't have mutual friends, and we don't live near each other to where we would run into each other. I am SO grateful for that.
Oh and just to clarify it wasn't an 8 year marriage - it was an 8 year affair
Alcoholics need a person to control their chaos because they cannot. They cannot live without one. In fact if they know their current chaos controller is on his/her way out or detaching from the chaos they will start to look for another. Alcoholics do not believe they are one of many specs on the planet but instead encompass a whole big part of the planet and strategically place us "normal" specs around them. For some reason despite being treated as you have described, which is typical, we try to get in their big bubble but they only allow us in to control a part of their chaos and quickly shove us back out. I know it hurts right now, but thankfully you are no longer his chaos controller and that job will need to fall on someone else. Pass the torch on to them and do whatever you can to distance yourself, block them on social media sites, etc so you don't have to see it. My RAH did this repeatedly to me, talking to women, drinking in strip clubs, dating sites, he even sent pics of himself, (in his mountain dew pajama pants with his big ole beer belly, OMG) is still hurts that he did it but once I learned that it wasn't me, it was his disease and the need to always have that chaos controller, it became somewhat easier. Ive a long way to go on forgiveness for that, one day at a time. Do what you can for you and keep coming back, you are not alone.
Thank you for your wonderful insight. I can definitely sympathize with your pain. I don't want to think about what I should have done. It is indeed painful. I'm working on forgiveness so I can free myself from this feeling of betrayal, but like you said one day at a time. Thank you so much for your wisdom.
JoJo... great way to put it. It is so true that you have to just "go through it" and it really is pretty amazing when the day comes that you realize you aren't so upset anymore. Yay for that day! :)
I notice it for sure happens in Al-Anon. One day a message will click and I will feel freer than I felt just 24hrs ago.
Starcatcher2 thanks for coming here and sharing your story,at 1st I read your story it was like I was reading my own story,wow amazing our similarities are with our qualifiers in our lives,I'm also free from having any alcoholic/addicts in my home or around me it had become way to much for me to deal with its now been nearly 3 mths since my qualifiers left my home,today I can actually say that I'm feeling much much better and clearer thinking ,it's definitely diff,living without any qualifiers but soo worth it ,my sanity,self worth,health,etc are lots better and getting better everyday,taking it one day at a time and staying in the moment ,constantly reminding myself to keep the focus on myself,hey it works,starcatcher2 you are truly a miracle in progress,you are definitely in the right place for sharing ....hugs lu
Thank you for your reply. It's so sad that I see so many similarities in how we are treated. It's heartbreaking. As the days goes by I know it will get better, but like you said one day at a time. I'm trying to look deep down inside me to get through the betrayal. Therapy is definitely an option. Thank you so much for your reply.
Hi Starcatcher! I'm new here but I want to tell you that I went through the same you had to endure with an alcoholic person. This relationship felt really intense and I was having a lot of trouble trying to move on, felt attached to this person even when I knew all he did to me and the awful way he treated me most of the time. Here, by reading this posts full of experiences and great people willing to support others, I have found peace to keep on healing. There are definitely many aspects to learn involving addictions and relationships with someone going through those hard experiences, thats why going to meetings and come here is very important. I can tell you that now Im feeling stronger and really making progress, once I learned how to let go on something you dont have control of (our partners or relatives' illness) and focus on my self recovery with all the aspects this involves ( have a real look at what's going on inside of us and face it- this is the real challenge-). It's been some months now since I ended a 9 month relationship that was dragging me to a dark and deep hole, I can relate to many things you describe, but believe me you will be back to yourself calmer, wiser and stronger than ever, very aware of what you dont want in your life anymore. So hang in there, you are not alone . Sending you lots of good vibes! Angela
Hello Angela,
Thank you for your reply. I too remember the "dark hole", I would be driving him and this curtain of gloom would surface around me. I just couldn't put my finger on it. And come to find out it was the anxiety of not knowing if he was going to be drunk, and thinking to my myself this isn't the relationship I want, but how do I just turn my back on him. We've gone through so much. I just recently had an "epiphany" that all my life I have been so involved in caring for everyone else, that it was just second nature. I've been so used to caring for my own needs (or so I thought) that I never thought that I was giving my all to an alcoholic that would never put my needs and desires before his own. He was his number one priority. In his eyes all I brought was the "drama" (which is a huge joke). Thank you for the good vibes. I am working on rebuilding myself. I hope that you find your happiness as well.
Starcatcher2 thanks for coming here and sharing your story,at 1st I read your story it was like I was reading my own story,wow amazing our similarities are with our qualifiers in our lives,I'm also free from having any alcoholic/addicts in my home or around me it had become way to much for me to deal with its now been nearly 3 mths since my qualifiers left my home,today I can actually say that I'm feeling much much better and clearer thinking ,it's definitely diff,living without any qualifiers but soo worth it ,my sanity,self worth,health,etc are lots better and getting better everyday,taking it one day at a time and staying in the moment ,constantly reminding myself to keep the focus on myself,hey it works,starcatcher2 you are truly a miracle in progress,you are definitely in the right place for sharing ....hugs lu
Thank you for sharing lu and your kind words. It's hard to tell myself that I am the number one priority when caring for others has become like breathing (my Mother was an alcoholic too). It's such a vicious cycle. I am hoping this late in life I can break it. I am so happy that you are living a healthy, happier life. I hope that the future brings you much happiness.
I'm so sorry that your life has been touched by other people's alcoholism. It is not surprising that you are down at the moment, you invested in your relationship and that investment wasn't reciprocated. It is sad but as I read your post I can also see so much to be thankful for as well. Be gentle with yourself - you saw your situation for what it was and you took action, that was brave and courageous and self-afirming for you. And you are seeing your part, that caring for others without knowing to ask for your own needs to be met as well - that is a huge step, it took me nearly fifty years to get to that point!!
I'm so sorry that your life has been touched by other people's alcoholism. It is not surprising that you are down at the moment, you invested in your relationship and that investment wasn't reciprocated. It is sad but as I read your post I can also see so much to be thankful for as well. Be gentle with yourself - you saw your situation for what it was and you took action, that was brave and courageous and self-afirming for you. And you are seeing your part, that caring for others without knowing to ask for your own needs to be met as well - that is a huge step, it took me nearly fifty years to get to that point!!
Sending (((((hugs)))))
Hello milkwood,
Thank you for your reply. Yes, that is where the betrayal kicks in my mind. I did invest in this relationship with my heart, time and all else. As I reflect I did all those things on my own. I willingly gave up myself. That is what I am trying to work on getting back. I know there will be better days/things waiting out there for me. I just hate that the rug was pulled out from under me like I wasn't even standing there. I referred to myself yesterday as a bump in the road for him. He just kept going without any regard for me or my feelings. It has taken me 40+ years to realize I need to stop being the caregiver for everyone else and care for myself. That will be the hardest part.
The worst is behind you. You got in a relationship with a broken person. I learned the hard way that there is no medal, do-gooder award, and 99 percent of the time no "thank you" for aticking with and suffering with an addict. This is a valuable lesson you may have learned for the future. Watch for red flags, trust your instincts, if you get into another relationship, do not settle! I'm thankful now for all the awful exes I have lol. They taught me what I DON'T want and helped me pick a winner in my current husband :)
Hi Pinkchip, that´s a beautiful profile pic, it reminds me of my 4 legged baby :D.
It´s so true what you say, trusting our instinct and never ignore the red flags, I saw them all but it was very difficult for me to withdraw, I had fallen in the self - destructive dynamic with my A Ex.
I learned indeed that he was broken and that he couldn´t love anybody (at least in the middle of his addiction), no matter how much I tried to show him I was there for him, that I truly cared. He just erased me from his life with a "you are just not enough", he moved on (incredibly easily) and left me in the air waiting for at least a face to face conversation, and trying to understand how I wasn´t enough for him, since I gave him my all and I was the one who really cared for him in a foreign country, (surrounded as he was by his party - drug addicts friends).
I really believed he was going to see all I did and gave me at least a chance to express my feelings. That of course never happened. He couldnt care less about my feelings. The sadness and resentment I felt were so horrible that I would dream every night that I was punching him in the face. I guess that was the only way my unconscious mind found to get rid of that frustration, since he didnt care in real life.
I was always the drama queen, the one that was too sensitive, I was always the problem. These things hurt a lot. Thank god I could find advice on this site and realize my own issues causing me to get stuck in those relationship.
I wish I can find one day a love that is caring and real. Until that day, and still after that, lots of love to myself :D
I feel like I remember you Angela. My exA told me about his new crackhead partner and how he never loved anyone like this guy...
I was like "Um...hello? 7 years together and Im not a crack addict that steals from you" Then I stepped back and realized it was drama...he didnt move on easily...he moved on messily like always and any new partner would never be "enough" for a person that needy, self sabotaging and destructive.
Rain0828, Wow your experience is understandably hurtful. I couldn't imagine. Yet some of our experiences are the same. Yup, he said I was drama (which always makes me laugh when I say that), and he moved on like he was changing his shirt. I'm looking back now and seeing he did me the biggest favor! I removed ALL of his belongings. There is nothing here to remind me of him, except what is in my head, which I'm hoping over time will be just a distant memory. I knew it had to happen, there is no easy way, but wow I didn't know this betrayal would be so heavy on my mind. Loyalty is huge with me, I don't trust easily. So for him to break that trust, was a deal breaker.
Thank you for sharing!
pinkchip, you are so right. After his binges I would get the "I'm so embarrassed" text, and the solemn face. I always wanted to help nurse him back. Take time from what I had planned to comfort him. No medals! I stood by him because I truly wanted to be there. I don't regret that. I do however regret not taking care of me first. It made me resentful, and in my mind it finally clicked that he was only worried about himself. Nobody else. I am learning the red flags, and learning to not make the same mistakes. Only time will tell. Thank you for your post!
"...and in my mind it finally clicked that he was only worried about himself. Nobody else."
You are so right.
When he told me I wasn´t enough, he wanted us to keep talking ab it (of course only when he wanted to, when he "felt like it"). He didn´t even break up with me, he left everything unfinished and moved on, so i got trapped. I had to put it into words and break up with him through a text cause he wouldn´t see me, (too busy partying). I did it cause I needed a "closure" (althought it seems difficult to have real closures with active alcoholics), but for him was like "whatever". Plain and cold. He felt nothing.
Thanks a lot for supporting me with important insights, even though you are going through your own process. It really helps me to keep on healing.
blessings and hugs, hope you are feeling better today!
Angela
-- Edited by Rain0828 on Thursday 13th of October 2016 12:39:18 PM
"...and in my mind it finally clicked that he was only worried about himself. Nobody else."
You are so right.
When he told me I wasn´t enough, he wanted us to keep talking ab it (of course only when he wanted to, when he "felt like it"). He didn´t even break up with me, he left everything unfinished and moved on, so i got trapped. I had to put it into words and break up with him through a text cause he wouldn´t see me, (too busy partying). I did it cause I needed a "closure" (althought it seems difficult to have real closures with active alcoholics), but for him was like "whatever". Plain and cold. He felt nothing.
Thanks a lot for supporting me with important insights, even though you are going through your own process. It really helps me to keep on healing.
blessings and hugs, hope you are feeling better today!
Angela
-- Edited by Rain0828 on Thursday 13th of October 2016 12:39:18 PM
Exactly. Plain and Cold is exactly it. While everyone is telling him how I had his back on this time and was good to him he reflects the blame and tells everyone "He swears I'm bi-polar, and there are "so many things that they don't know." Yes! Like his binge drinking, lying and online cheating. And least he told the truth there. There are so many things people don't know. Hopefully soon this will be a distance memory. This nightmare has to end soon.
Ah yes - the things that alcoholics love to say about us. My ex ABF use to call me Sybil (in regards to the character that Sally Field played in the movie 'Sybil' about the gal with multiple personalities) whenever I became emotional over his drinking and the alcoholism. What a great guy - not
Ah yes - the things that alcoholics love to say about us. My ex ABF use to call me Sybil (in regards to the character that Sally Field played in the movie 'Sybil' about the gal with multiple personalities) whenever I became emotional over his drinking and the alcoholism. What a great guy - not
That was a great movie! Ya, apparently I have split personalities. They can't ever just let it be and say how we supported them etc. It has to be us. I actually feel sorry for him. He's so desperate he's asking any random women to go out with him. He even offered to buy one a plane ticket. I'm feeling a little better now. I have to admit I did text him. I couldn't help it...I had to let him know I don't hold any hard feelings, I had to move on. I wished him nothing but the best of luck. He hasnt answered (and I'm.not expecting one, that was for me)....oh and he is drinking. Go figure. I know it was a bad decision, but I'm confident I won't be taking him back. Im ready let go, and let God. I've been through alot in life, it's been very hard (boyfriend was murdered 4 years ago). This guy was my first relationship since then. Bad choice. But I'm not going to hang on it. There will be better things to come.
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