The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm going on a bit of a tiz - I can feel it! I've come here to seek your wisdom and to share.
All these thoughts and feelings are very familiar
***Edited at the request of the member who posted***
So, I'm experienced with loving alcoholics, and it gives me this idea that I know how it works (LOL!!! I know, preposterous, but that's why we write things down isn't it? To see how crazy our thoughts are) and that I know what's coming. It gives me this sense that I know, left unchecked, it will get worse. Much much much much worse.
I don't have experience of a husband or boyfriend who is an alcoholic though, and I should probably keep in mind and respect that difference. I'm an ACoA.
The funny thing is, over the past couple of weeks, I was in this dreamy space of peace and forgiveness. I was really beginning to own my past and familiarize myself with the gifts of it. I was feeling a lot of love and understanding for myself for the first time EVER, and a lot of love for all the alcoholics I've known and loved and tried to change. I finally understood it wasn't personal, or my fault, or within my power or responsibility to stop them. I was feeling very surrendered to my personal history and the people I know who are still drinking. I'd made friends with alcoholism, as it has existed for me. It actually felt like a soft light bathing me with gifts. I'd made some progress.
Then I left my friend's place edging back to where I used to be: damage control. Wanting to stop the inevitable. Resisting what-is. Trying to brainstorm how to fix it. Preoccupied with making it stop.
And the hard, horrific, dreadful truth I refused to accept forever: I can't. There. Is. Nothing. I. Can. Do.
Is that definitely true, guys? It all seems a bit helpless and powerless. But surely to God in all those years of trying with all my might, if there was a way to stop an alcoholic I'd have stumbled across it, even in a book!
***Edited at the request of the member who posted*** I don't want their lives to be destroyed by alcoholism. I really, realllllyyyyy don't want that to happen to them.
I immediately wanted to contact every sober alcoholic in the world and implore them to tell me: was there anything on God's green earth that could have stopped you?
How do you think I should proceed?
***Edited at the request of the member who posted***
I want to arrest the whole process.
***Edited at the request of the member who posted***
I want to cradle their hearts. I want a universal intelligence to download all the correct information to them so they can move with grace and so that they can love themselves.
***Edited at the request of the member who posted***
Alcoholism is not about love or lack of love, it can't be bargained with. How does the saying go? Cunning, baffling and powerful.
Do I just wait and watch to see if this family I love becomes devoured, from the sidelines?
Maybe all I can do is be honest and stay honest, risk that authenticity, risk showing MY heart, take it moment by moment and conversation by conversation. But, see, I'd rather a fool-proof plan, so if you can give me one, that'd be great ;)
There is no Al-anon here for me to take her to, and she is nowhere near that stage anyway.
I'm feeling better already having written this. Looking forward to any thoughts or reflections you share.
Who knows, maybe it's a drinking problem rather than actual alcoholism. Maybe I'm catastrophizing.
Thanks, also, for being here, by the way.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Friday 7th of October 2016 08:35:00 AM
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Well there is nothing you can say or do to get him to stop his drinking or realize he has a problem. I think your focus should be on her since she opened up to you about his drinking. If I were you I would just tell her your story, things you have gone through with alcoholism and then kindly make a suggestion to her about this site and about Al-Anon literature that might help her. Even if she doesn't want to post her story I do believe that just reading about others situations will help her know that she is not alone and that there is nothing she can do to help her husband and it might make her see that she is actually enabling at times by helping him when he is drunk or passed out. I hope this helps.
There is a lot in the act of reaching out and being responded to. I'm grateful to you.
A lot going on, on this site, on lots of levels it's very soothing. Healing balm to the frazzled person.
Reading around is helping me to feel more centered and remember some of the things that have helped me.
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
You are very welcome. Glad I could help. She will get lots of knowledge and insight on this site if she is willing to open her heart and her mind to other peoples experiences.
Hello Hiraeth, as has been said alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease over which we are all powerless. I understand your concern for your friend, however we are all powerless over the disease and the best we can do is take care of ourselves.
You mention that alanon does not exist in your town however AA may have a chapter and you can suggest that she check with them to find literature and support.
In addition you can give her alanon literature that explains the disease and that offers her the tools she might use:" Alcoholism the Family Disease and the Merry Go Round named Denial are great to start with.
Thanks also for the specific recommendations, I think I have a resource to get copies of those for her (and me!)
She's not saying alcoholic yet, she's just finally admitting that something may be amiss here. I'm not sure if she's ready to talk about alcoholism or AA, or can jump over the hurdle of the stigma, but I do feel that it's time for me to mention these things.
How do you guys come to terms with a loved one progressing through a fatal disease? Some part of me still resists this idea to just let them destroy themselves. I feel... negligent, just standing by and watching and allowing, knowing what might happen. I understand intellectually but some part of me still twinges a bit inside about it.
There's no other fatal disease in the world that I can think of right now, where people are expected to kick back and look after themselves while the loved one rushes headfirst into a fiery death, possibly taking others down with them. When someone gets cancer we rally and jump around and raise money and cook casseroles and wear funny outfits to work and donate funds and commiserate and curse the wayward cells. They talk all the time, in our culture, of fighting disease, being in a battle with this or that illness.
It takes a lot of trust in God, I guess.
-- Edited by hiraeth on Wednesday 5th of October 2016 08:10:07 AM
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
I hear you- Accepting an alcoholism diagnosis was like accepting a "death sentence" I fought and fought to have my will and to change the outcome for my partner .. I finally had to surrender to the facts of the reality of the disease of Alcoholism. Acceptance is not easy but when I finally stopped fighting, I found that it is a 3 fold disease over which i was powerless and then I began to look for help for myself. It took a great deal of frustrating pain to finally reach the point of "surrender "and I can understand how your friend might feel. You can provide her with the information and allow her to make an informed choice.
(((hiraeth))) - so sorry that you are so worried about your friends and this darn disease. I've had to visualize handcuffs on me before to refrain from engaging in situations like this. I so want to fix, advise, etc. all in the interest of helping and supporting. What I have learned in recovery is that so very, very often - especially when denial is starting to fade - others just need someone who can listen. I visualize being in a meeting where no cross-talk is allowed and pray to HP for guidance.....
Most of the time, my best words have been, "You know I love you; please let me know how I can help." Easy, simple, supportive and not feet first into the fire pit. I agree with Betty - she's lucky to have you as a friend. I don't believe in coincidences, so there is a reason that HP has her opening up to you. More will be revealed when it is time helps me often too when I am not sure what my role is.
Keep coming back! Prayers for all - this disease is just so powerful ... I must always remember that I am powerless over it.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
THERE YOU GO!! jojo dropped it on you and your spirit recognized it right off...Now what? For me the answer to the Now What was action...follow thru on the suggestion and then...Let Go and Let God have the outcome. Tell her your experiences...show her your strength...give her the hope of the program and then its God's time. Standing with you and sending love and prayers. (((((hugs)))))
in my youth i attracted the bad influences- you name it, it was there... now I have navigated the rite from middle age to old age it seems to be the opposite... things are actually gotten a lot better... good group work helps me to realise this...
...sometimes when we are johnny-on-the-spot, or janey-on-the-spot what comes naturally to mind is always the best thing to say... ...
