The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The author of today's page admits not knowing the definition of compassion, but was pretty sure it did not include angry yelling, throwing things, name calling, or plotting revenge over perceived offenses. Yet this was the behavior they found themselves engaging in towards a loved one with the disease.
Compassion starts when we accept that we are dealing with someone who is sick, someone with a disease. As such, we don't have to take personally the unpleasant things that may show up as symptoms, like untruths, irrational rationalizations, or wild accusations.
We are not obligated to accept abuse, but we do not have the right to deliver it to anyone else, particularly one who is struggling with a disease. Reminder: I will spend more time with myself than anyone else in this life, let me learn how to be the type of person I would seek out as a friend.
"He who would have beautiful roses in his garden must have beautiful roses in his heart." - S. R. Hole
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This matches my experience very well. I saw myself as a very fair person without a high tolerance for mistakes, untruth, or inconsistency in myself or others. Enter the disease, which brings quite a bit of each. I reacted poorly, becoming more and more often a person who I found deplorable, who was very unkind and unloving to a qualifier who was wounded and bewildered by the disease.
I am so grateful that I found AlAnon before I lost myself completely to ugliness, and delivered any more pain to someone who needed and deserved much better. AlAnon helped me see my responsibility to let go of my attempts to control and punish my qualifier, and work to regain control over myself.
It is still a work in progress every day, but the level of peace I now have in my life makes it well worth it for me, and I have to believe has helped my qualifier. Turning the focus on myself has yielded great benefits as I see that the smaller the circle I try to control, the greater my peace and return on my efforts. Grateful for the wisdom of the program
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Compassion has been an unexpected gift of the program for me. In the beginning I think I needed the anger and the outrage because it was my way of screaming to myself that "this isn't OK" but once I learned that I didn't need a partner to 'make it OK", I just needed myself and my HP, then I stopped needing the anger and could see it all so much more clearly; it wasn't personal, it was miserable for him as much as it was for me. It was very healing to come to the realisation that he couldn't be what he often said he wanted to be, it wasn't that he wouldn't. My own punishment and abuse just added more pain to two people that already had more than enough of it. Learning that I could control what I contributed and choose to make it positive rather than punitive without requiring the same from anyone else gave me the freedom to make life better for me.
Thanks for your service Paul
-- Edited by MissM on Monday 3rd of October 2016 06:36:20 AM
Hi Paul and Ms.M; love this topic and your shares. I do believe that "compassion has grown in my heart slowly as I worked this program and let go of my "go to" tools of judging, blaming an critiquing others.
In addition, the principles of program, that I adapted as my own, have given me a gentleness and compassion I never knew possible while still being able to detach and take care of myself.
I love that I can weed my garden, discard the weeds and observe the roses growing there. I do this weeding often so as to maintain my serenity.
Thanks Paul for your service, the daily and your ESH. Today's reading is great for reflecting where I was and where I am.....I was truly not very compassionate before recovery. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and wanted others to meet my needs and make me happy. When they let me down, I was angry, disappointed, sad and all the more.
Compassion today for me is still growing but much more automatic, thanks to working and living this program. I am free from blaming others for my moods, attitudes, life, etc. I do believe this is a diseased, and those I love are sick. This so helps me see them as they are, no different than I - an imperfect person doing the best they can with what they have.
Make it a great Monday - lovely sunshine here + perfect temperatures for digging in the dirt!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
