The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I read more and more of your stories and think about the relationships I have with quite a few recovering alcohilics. It dawned on me. What have you all done to maintain successfull relationships with the recovering alcoholics in your lives? What kinf of success stories do you all have?
I would like to know the same . In fact , I'd like to know how does one get to the point of recovery . I am currently in love with someone who is a bad alcoholic in denial . Heart broken .
I have accepted that alcoholism is a disease over which i was Powerless. I have attended alanon face to face meetings, developed new tools to live by and learned to Keep the focus on myself and take care of my own needs while trusting a Power Greater than myself
Keep coming back You will too
I found that the more I embraced al-anon and learned to know myself and honor my own wants, needs and responsibilities instead of letting my alcoholic partner's very noisy needs govern my life, the easier it was for me to make sensible choices that reflected everyone's needs rather than those of just one person.
For me, the whole program helped me to 'silence' the negative voices in my head...instead of thinking that I knew what everyone else thought/wanted/needed, I learned to keep the focus on myself and navigate my life via my own compass.
What I found was, other people, alcoholic or not, learned to adjust to my new way of doing things, and those that wanted me in their lives modified respected my new way of doing things and those that didn't kind of didn't matter anymore.
My alcoholic partner, whom I expected to absolutely baulk at my new way of doing things, actually adjusted a lot and started treating me with a great deal of respect. We stayed together for a few years afterwards and it became a much better, more enjoyable relationship although ultimately, I decided that it wasn't what I wanted anymore.
It sure worked a lot better once I had some al-anon tools to work with though.
I hope you both stick around and find similar good results
I wish my spouse was a recovering alcoholic but she is in denial and active. I only regained my sanity by joining Alanon 3 years ago. Before that I was in quicksand, sinking more and more, day by day. I hold my head up high now, and I have learned to love myself. I don't take in her harsh words. I am practicing looking at myself more than my spouse. And I am trying to fix the broken parts of myself. I keep in mind, Progress not perfection, and ODAT. Alanon has saved me and I am ever so grateful, Lyne
How do we define successful relationships? To me this is relative. To me the measure of success is defined by one's self, our acceptance of our own reality and situation. It would be very hard if we will measure successful relationships in terms of other's relationship. We might just end up disappointed, envious or righteous. The more we discover about ourselves and how we can improve, I think better relationship will follow... the more we improve, the better relationships we will have...progress not perfection.
Welcome ladies to this MIP family which is one of the ways I enjoy my relationships today...the greatest majority of them are "recovering" relationships and work the programs of Al-Anon and AA. We speak the same language and share the same experiences, strength and hope. In short we are family...the sort of family I always desired with the exception of drugs and alcohol and the insanities that come with that. Now life is fun and I love living it. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Gosh, that is a good question for all relationships!!
We are all individual, with individual needs. I found that I forgot my needs and worried far too much about my husband's. I was constantly thinking that if I could only solve the finances/work/whatever drama was looming at the time we would be just fine. I have been raised on perfect happy endings (thanks for that Walt D!!) and that is what I was constantly striving for. It wore me out - in fact someone even called me Cinderella once (I was scrubbing a step at the time!).
So, there I was, exhausted and, frankly, not much fun to be with at all - even I could see that. And I was thin, too thin and still loosing weight. So I had to get the focus onto me because otherwise I was likely to fall ill. And that worked well - I started to put myself first. I didn't try to fix my husband any more. I reached out to others. I nurtured my self-esteem above all else. And my husband kept trying to engage me in drama and I kept learning to leave his problems to him. Eventually I actually managed to realise that he was an adult, deserving of my belief that he could, and would, do what was right for him. He had the right to his choices as much as I did.
And my life started to get better, regardless of what others were doing. I was happier and my happiness didn't depend on anybody else's.
All of this felt counterintuitive to me - I was raised to believe that if I treated others well, they would return the compliment. In forty plus years I never had to protect my boundaries, so when I had to learn to speak up for myself and my needs I had to learn not to feel guilty about it.
We are still working on our relationship and it is not a smooth journey. But the main thing I learnt was to have a good time, to be who I wanted to be and I made sure that by having fun and enjoying my life there was the best possible chance of my husband joining me in some of that fun.
I too value ALL of my relationships - those with recovering A(s) as well as with active A(s). Before recovery, I would simply discard people, never deal with the issue, gossip about them, judge them, put on my 'holier than thou' view of the world and assume I knew best for them!!! Golly jeepers - my ego allowed me to sit on my throne and assume I knew who should be in my live and who should not be.
In recovery, I learned that we are all imperfect people, living in an imperfect world. When I apply my own values and expectations to others, it will fail me over and over again as we are all different. When I can respect every human in my life and accept them exactly as they are, and celebrate the differences, I am able to relate to anyone and everyone. This is only possible by searching for a spiritual relationship by where I fully trust my HP to lead me and then follow where I am led. I have learned to value everyone, treat all with kindness, stop judging others for what they say/do/feel and/or how they act/react. When I am pulled from my place of serenity by another person - no matter who - I am instantly reminded that I am powerless over others, and I can detach and let them be as they need to be in that moment.
I am still married to my active A husband. We met in AA and married more than 25 years ago. Our relationship has survived 2 children - both who qualify for recovery. One is active right now and the other 'quit AA' a few months back and is mad about the disease and recovery. It's taken all my energy and efforts to put me first and to focus on my own recovery and turn them over to God each and every day. I QTIP - Quit Taking It (their disease, words, actions, etc.) Personally and remind myself often that Unconditional Love suggests I openly accept others as they are in that moment and pray for them to find their way.
I fully accept that my HP wants us all to be happy, joyous and free. My role is to be the best version of me in all my affairs and know that he's got my back. I have choices each and every day, and I do the best I know how, using my program tools, to keep my end-game in mind - serenity and joy. I do have to be cautious about who I spend time with and search out balance. I was taught early on to 'hang with the winners' - that for me is those who are working a recovery program and/or are positive in their life journey. I can't spend too much time with attention-seeking, judgmental, gossipy folks as I am tugged away from my spiritual center. Basically, I keep an open mind, and work this program to the best of my ability one day at a time.
Today, my life is simple, spiritual and serene. Chaos/Drama are the exception. Before recovery, the reverse was true. I will do all within my power to not go back!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have a good relationship with the drinker in my life because I let him be who he is now. I try not to scold judge control advise etc. So it frees us to be courteous kind and civil to each other. It's the best I can hope for. Grateful alanon member.
I had a rude awakening before I learned detachment. I remember having my AHs best friend stay with us and I witnessed how calmly he treated my AH (granted, he didn't have to deal with living with an AH but still). It didn't seem to phase him, or others, when AH would drink, rant, even pass out. And I got angry at his friend for being so...what I then would have described as passive. But in that anger I realized it was me...I was the problem. All my anger, controlling behaviors, and anxiety did not amount to much and I could approach the situation far differently with less impact to me.
So I started to detach and respect my AH as his own person with his own choices. Our relationship has improved in some ways, and remained the same in others. But it has helped me greatly. I do still struggle sometimes...especially if I'm tired or stressed (so I try to prioritize my health) but overall things are better and it plays out in other ways in my life.
I have a good relationship with my daily active A hubby because my Al-anon program taught me to step away from trying to 'rescue' him. To let him be himself and me be myself.
I am amazed and grateful to be able to share that by me changing and living and loving my program, my hubby's reactions to me have gradually changed. He treats me with respect and kindness now.
I couldn't change him but I learned I could change myself. I now have a much fuller life. A smashing group of friends who all speak the same language as me. At my home meeting today, someone said they were grateful to the A in their life as it had lead them to Al-anon and that working the program had greatly improved their life in all areas. I wholeheartedly agree.
