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I`m new here. I found this place after looking for help and realizing no one around me can really understand what I`m feeling. I`ve read some posts and I see I can relate to many of the things said here. (This text was like a catharsis for me so it`s quite long. Im sorry)
I dated an alcoholic person for 9 months. It`s not a long time and that`s why I didn`t want to believe I was affected in the way I know I am now.
This person was from another country, working in mine at a school. We met and got involved immediately. He was very very affectionate towards me, very smart and charming. He was about to get back to his country for the summer break, so we spent together that short time and kept in touch everyday he spent abroad. We fell in love, or at least I thought he had.
A couple months later he came back and continued dating, its was all ok for 2 weeks and then he started to withdraw. I told him that it was ok that we could be friends, but he told me that he just needed his own space during the week and we could meet only on weekends, that everything was fine. Of course everytime I saw him he was drunk or high (marihuana) and definitely knew he had a substance abuse problem, but i made the mistake to think my love could change him or at least help him.
There were periods I really felt taken for granted, he was very cold and emotionally unavailable, also got mad at me when I tried to talked to him about my feelings. I could only see him when he wanted to and he was always in control. We never saw each other during the week and all his contact was though facebook, as if he didnt have a phone or I didnt live in the same city. Once he decided to travel for the weekend to have a big party of alcohol and drugs and left me stood.
I broke up with him cause I couldn`t take his behaviour anymore. He came back apologizing, telling me that he was going to change, that he knew he was being a terrible boyfriend etc ect. I gave him another chance and he changed for good, sometimes he tried to stay sober but 2 weeks was the most he could. I always felt he was divided between his party friends and me (a steady relationship and probably a future). I could feel he was trouble all the time by having to choose. He did cocaine when too drunk and he didn`t want to do that in front of me.
He would tell me he loved me (drunk and sober), that he knew he wasnt showing it, but that i should be patient. When he was sober he was like a dark void, sucking all the energy from me. He didn`t like to talk about it but i think he also suffered from depression. He told me once that he had thought about how to kill himself before he met me. That all he had for everybody (except his party boys) was a "fuck it". But it was obvious for me that that attitude was back and that hurt me and frustrated me. After all, I hadn`t been able to help him, althought sometimes he told me I had helped him to get back on his feet, he would called me and thank me for being there for him, that he was going to focus on his future with me, etc.
Then he would get dragged back in the party - alcohol - drug cycle.
He took me for a 7 day trip last December and living with him really exposed the whole problem with him. He was with me but treated me as if I wasn`t there, socializing normally with other people, but I was invisible to him. Could talk only when drinking. It was psychological violence and that really opened my eyes, but yet I couldnt bring myself to leave him.
During the trip he told me he wanted to get back to his country for good, that he knew he was very ill and he needed his family and friends. I was ready to break up but instead of that he starts to wind up our relationship on facebook, telling everybody im his girlfriend, making plans to move in together etc. Told me that now he knew he loved me. Those days he started to drink more than ever, I had to carry home from every place and I dont think he really cared I was there with him. Maybe he was used to me being there for him, always.
All of a sudden he just disappears, I called him and tells me: I really want to get back to my country now, I don`t know what I feel...etc. He became really really cold, he wouldnt even let me touch him. Started to treat me like "just a girl", telling me that there was nothing important in that place for him. Like if i wasnt his grilfriend, very in love with him. So I ended up being nothing for him. He disconnected completely, in a matter of 3 days.
He told me that we could talk while he made up his mind, that he knew he was in control and that that was a "fd up" thing, that he felt for me cause he had been there before. I told him I wasnt gonna take it and some days later I broke up with him, and he agreed. Called me 1 week later but i didnt answer. Then wrote me an email apologizing for the call, that he had been hurting ab the break up but that he really needed time to figured himself out. Some time later another mail with: Im going to AA. After that nothing.
I had to do this break up through a text cause he wouldnt even see me. It was very painful and left me with lots of resentment inside that still dont know how to deal with. I needed something mine he had in his flat but he didnt want to see me to give it back, telling me that before leaving he would give it to me. I had to go to his place one day to get it and he was very uncomfortable. He didnt say much, just that he was leaving for good.
He called me a couple times before leaving to see how I was. Last time he tried to apologize, saying that we both had been a victim of his illness, that he didnt recognize himself in the mirror...that he had loved me and cared for me etc. I tried to tell him many things i have inside that he didnt give the chance to tell him before, all the messiness he had cause but he acted uncomfortable again and hung up.
So he left and it`s been six months. I think about him everyday, what it could have been if he had been healthy. I need to move on, Im so tired of all this resentment feelings, trying to figure out what happened, the cruelty he treated me with sometimes, coldness, lack of empathy...and the fact that I saw him doing all that to me and I wasnt able to leave him. A mixture of resentment, compassion, love...
My closest friends know about him (althought he never wanted to meet my friends or family), and tell me to move on, etc, they probably dont get why I let those things happened to me, I cant explain myself either.
I just know Im here all these months later still thinking about him and secretly waiting for his contact. How crazy I`m. I think I need a counselor, I seriously don`t know how to deal with this. I will appreciate any help you can give me.
Thank you all. (Sorry for my mistakes, English is not my native language).
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 1st of October 2016 05:32:19 PM
I just want you to know you are not alone. Reading your post was like reading the past 8 years of me being involved with my ex abf. And the lines your ex abf told you and the way he treated you. I heard the same things - he needed me to be "patient" with him - he needed time to figure things out - oh but wait I love you! blah,blah,blah. And the emotional rollercoaster they put us on. UGH
What I am struggling with now is all the times I thought it would be best if we ended our relationship so he could focus on getting sober and he begged me and pleaded with me to stay and I did just to have him dump me in the end anyway. I could just shoot myself for being so naive. I handed that man my heart on a silver platter over and over again - and he just continued to pull the same crap over and over again, back and forth -
Be glad that you are the one that ended things. At least you had the sense to do that! I wish I would of taken that action. Now I just sit here thinking I wasn't good enough and the 8 years we had together meant nothing to him.
I'm sure you will get some good guidance on this site from others who have made it through this rough time. Sorry I can't really offer any wisdom since I'm still struggling with my own hell right now.
Hang in there and know that you and I deserve to be treated better than this.
I'm so sorry this has happened. I imagine many of us here have been through something very similar. It's very painful.
One thing I discovered is that these on-again-off-again relationships are more full of craving than a regular healthy relationship. They keep us off balance because sometimes they're wonderful (or it seems they're just about to be wonderful), and sometimes they're as cold as ice. We never know what to expect. We're left confused and full of turmoil. And just when we might actually leave, they give us enough hope to keep us in the relationship. (We're in the relationship. Whether they are really or not, it's hard to know.)
The emotions are much stronger than in a regular relationship. There is a huge amount of adrenaline. That in itself adds its own kind of excitement. It's not always pleasant but it's very dramatic and distracting. We can become addicted to that adrenaline. And there's always the hope that he really will come around and be what we're yearning for him to be.
Sadly, unless the alcoholic/addict goes into a formal program of recovery and works hard for a long time (years), they are not capable of being that steady, loving person we're hoping for, even if they want to be. They simply don't have the capability.
So we're left hurting and yearning - all that "unfinished business." That's when we need to work on our own recovery. I hope you'll read through the threads on this site and start to get an idea of the program. If they have Al-Anon meetings in your country, do find a good one. If not, there are meetings online here. Take good care of yourself.
Thank you jojo and Mattie, I`m reading every word you wrote with all my heart, I`m happy that you guys understand how I feel. Mattie I ve done some research and yes, people can get addicted to other people, getting trapped in unhealthy relatioship dynamics. Right now I`m just shocked to see for some reason I got involved into this, so that means I may probably have self steem issues ... the fact I wanted to leave and still he was like a negative magnet to me...
Jojo you did great, never think you are not enough. My ex ABF told me I wasnīt enough for him to stay. I just think maybe no one is enough for them cause they are expecting a fairy tale princess who magically make them "stop" their addictions. Just my theory. But in my case it was like "oh you are the one, I love u so much, u can change me, you will see", and when he saw I was just a normal person, he changed and the whole rollercoaster started. I guess they just can heal when they take responsability for their own lives.
I understand how you feel cause I broke up with him before he did, I sensed he was gonna do it so I just acted fast cause I didnt have to deal with my broken ego on top of all, but I know he dumped me in his heart and mind, I could see he just didnīt care anymore. I was the only one in love, the only one in this country that stood by him and try to protect him, yet I am the only person he took distance from before leaving. I guess he spent his last days here partying hard and who knows what else, while I was crying every morning and night.
There`s some Al-Anon meetings here, I really want to go, also your words here help me a lot.
Thanks for your answers, God bless you.
-- Edited by Rain0828 on Saturday 1st of October 2016 04:43:30 PM
Welcome Rain as you can see you are not alone. Your post was extremely inforamtiive and filled with honesty and clarity. I am pleased that you can identify with many of the posting here and would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community or as Mattie suggested, give the on line ones here a try. Alcoholism is a dreadful chronic progressive disease over which we are powerless. It can be arrested but never cured. The disease not only infects the person who drinks it infects the entire family and close friends. That is why alanon was founded. It is here I learned new tools to live by and found a supportive network of people who truly understood. There is hope and help. Keep coming back.
Rain0828 ~ You're English is very good for it not being your native language. I had no problem reading and understanding what you were saying!
I think Mattie brought up some excellent wisdom for you to consider. I have also read about people being addicted to people just like A's are addicted to alcohol. Too bad the consequences for being addicted to a person is having a broken heart. Oh well....things will get better...eventually.
Hi Jojo! Indeed, if I didn't feel so heartbroken I would find this addiction to other people a very interesting subject. I really hope I can learn a lot from this and be able to help others, now Im just focusing on going through this. Im doing ok tonight, only me and my doggie, after a long day of work. The pain gets me from time to time but im fighting it. Hope u are ok too! And thanks for your compliment on my English! God bless you.
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