The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been working with my sponsor on many issues regarding my mother. For many reasons I can talk to her about my mother in ways I can talk to no one else. Maybe I'm ready to.
Every Easter some relatives of my fathers would come over for a free vacation at our house. My mother was barely functional most of the year, she was tremendously depressed (I recognise that now I could not as a child) she was barely able to muster the energy to do the basics. When these relatives (two Uncles) would descend on her she would prepared gourmet meals (hours of preparation) and get out the best china and the tablecloths. They were never used at any other time. She would get the dining room together. Normally we all ate in the kitchen. I spent a lot of years just sitting on the surface about this issue. The relatives idolized my elder sister as did the rest of the family (they were all so enmeshed) and took her on outings. They left my younger sister and I to help my mother. They was a lot more cleaning to do of course when they were around. At that time my mother cleaned the house, the rest of the year I can't say she really did that.
Where I am at now is that this model of making enormous effort to get just a few words of praise is where I learned to be a martyr. I learned to ask for nothing and expect nothing. The relatives never brought my mother anything. They went on day trips every day they brought nothing back from them. They brought nothing with them when they came. I think they wrote a note of thank you afterwards that was it.
My mother acted like it was her duty and her supreme right to sacrifice herself in this way. I know this was a tremendous effort for her to get a few scraps of praise that was it. It took me a long time to get to this issue of seeing her martyrdom. In the way was tremendous envy of my elder sister (after all she got taken on the outings) anger at my mother for the way she allowed this to go on. Of course since I found it hard to go beyond resentment its taken me a long time to get to this model of interacting.
All my life I have given way too much and expected little in return what a model for resentment making. My mother of course lived suffused in resentment. I inherited that model. Now it is time for disinherting myself.
I think it is a generational thing. It is a stay out of the way and don't bring anything to any holiday at my parents even after her almost dieing 3 years ago, nothing has changed. She enjoys doing it(her words). And I am going to let heras long as she can I guess or until she asks for help, if you ask her, you might get to set the table incorrectly. I on the other hand resent that my older kids don't help!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I think I am talking about an attitude which combined with people pleasing becomes this one downman ship that I have always adopted. I never felt good enough no matter what I was doing. I never felt able to ask for much in a relationship particularly an intimate relationship.
I think I have had the attitude that I did not deserve. Therefore I give more because I feel like I am not worthy of love.
What great introspect into yourself. I believe knowledge is power and you seem to have connected with alot of kowledge from your inner soul. Now you have the power to change and make yourself a better and happier person :) How can anyone of us know another when we have not walked in others shoes? I really enjoyed your post and it helped me to do some introspective thinking about my life as a daughter and a mother too. I really connected with your post alot. your friend in recovery, cdb xoxoxoxoxo
