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I am really at my wits end. My recover(d)...(ing) A partner is driving me crazy!! Simple story, sober A for nearly 9 years, we've been together for three, most of which, no meetings and a horrible dry drunk. In hindsight he was very lucky he didn't drink!! Now re- engaged with AA done his steps again and now head first in NA, many of the horrible dry drunk behaviour ..... Not gone my bearable. He has bought a new boat... Let me get to the point. I have heard nothing, literally nothing other than that GDd, frigging bloody.... Boat for now 5 weeks!!!!! which mind you has gone from a trade in only costing an extra 10k to a loan now over 50K!! Keep in mind he still ( tries) to ride me about my 'spending' he has always been quite obsessive ( duh right he's an alcoholic) but more with endurance sports, 100km runs and crazy stuff like that!! Now it's exclusively the Boring boat 24/7. During all conversations I have a mantra 'bless you, change me' to be honest I am thinking most of the time ' I will kill you' I know..... Day dreaming about murder is not ok, but pretty sure my HP is ok with it.... Just the daydream!! ;) I have calmly mentioned several times that the I reduce boat talk is 'a bit much' then calmly told him about my fantasies of murder.... He just laughs and changes the subject to..... The boat ( arrrrrrgh screams in pillow with all program floating out the window) Also....... He is now acting out with food, he's always been a massive eater if rubbish food. But now he has just stopped any exercise and I hate to sound really horrible, but he has gained so much weight I don't find him attractive anymore, in fact I am repulsed at this time. I talk about my concerns for his health and I know all this is out of my control but jeeeze do these A's ever stop???????? I know my situation is not terrible and to be honest greatly improved from the past 3 years, I need more program and need to call my sponsor!! ( it's been a while can you tell :) lol) I just think sometimes ..... There are normal guys out there......... Surely!! BTW I am an adult child so I have a few layers of crazy.... Rant over , thanks for listening everyone :) cheers and goodnight from Australia
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 21st of September 2016 08:06:03 AM
((Hopeful))) been there and developed new constructive tools to import into my toobox. Remembering that murder was not an option, I looked at these challenges as a great way to practice my program. It did work.
It sounds like he's doing some heavy self-medicating with food and the boat. But there must be something positive in the relationship or you wouldn't stay in it - ? Or maybe there's not enough to outweigh the food and the boat, and you'll decide not to stay in it. Remember that you have choices, even if it's only to walk into the next room every time the topic of the boat comes up.
I think we all have husbands that do this whether they are A's or not. My husband comes home every night and goes on and on and on about his job. To the point that I just say "uh-huh" and let him keep talking. Or I tune him out but he usually detects that and then says "did you hear what I just said??" - LOL. As for me when I leave my job it stays at the work place - good Lord I just lived 8 hours of working for law enforcement and I don't want to relive every single moment of it when I get home to my peaceful house! It's over with and it's done and now I can move on to my home-life. He and I are just different like that.
So even though my husband doesn't drink I can completely understand how annoyed you are and how thoughts of murder have entered your mind. LOL
Just remember that in MOST countries murder is illegal!!!! However that doesn't prevent you to moving to a country where it's allowed!!! LOL!!!!
Hopeful, I have been there! My late AH became focused on buying an expensive new car, even though he/we did not need a new car. I worried about the money, but decided that if it will make him stop drinking ... which was his thought process at the time, that a new car would stop him being an alcoholic ... I would be OK with it. It never came to pass, but I remember it well.
Hotrod, I love the reminder that "murder is not an option." I think it makes a good addition to our slogans. We could say, "Let Go and Let God ... because murder is not an option" or "Live and Let Live ... because murder is not an option." Perhaps not the highest level of spiritual awakening, but I think it gets the message across for those of us still on the journey
Anytime I find myself obsessing about anyone else, it's time to restart my own recovery program at Step 1. When I am troubled by another's actions, words, looks, deeds, thoughts, etc. it is me who needs to change. We learn in recovery that we can't judge others, we can't project for them and we can't change them. All we can change is ourselves.
My AH tends to want to describe repairs he's made in great, great detail. I am truly not interested and certainly do not understand the words, intent, content after about one sentence. However, my program and my tools suggest to me that he's excited about this and if I am committed to him/marriage, surely I can endure a period of extensive explanation without loosing my cool....
That above is what the program has given me. When Bless Them, Change Me isn't refocusing my obsessive brain, I go to plan B - which is remembering that this too shall pass.
If I put on my other hat for a moment, I will share that each time I go back through the steps, more is revealed. For my recovery, with each reveal, I again am haunted often by the choices, decisions, actions, etc. of my past which brings about shame, remorse, confusion while processing. As one who pickled her mind daily and lived life often in a black-out state, when some of these memories appear, it's almost as if it's recent/new. Step work in Al-Anon is a bit different as we have better recall. Step work on the other side can be very painful depending upon what's revealed.
I share this as compassion is such a wonderful tool for all of us in recovery. When we are taking inventory of others, we are putting distance between our own self and our own spiritual journey.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
