The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am finding myself a lot simpler as a person which is good. Yet I'm also struggling not to be a judgemental ass. I am utterly averse to those I perceive as intentionally emotionally weak. I always suspect victim routine is a form of manipulation mostly based on direct experiences with masters of it. And what damage it does. I can empathise of course with pain and awfulness, but its very hard to not directly say what I see in some cases. A friend is asking for money for a health problem. Not a close friend. And I think the problem is in her head. I want to tell her to stop being a victim, she cries too much and can't open her eyes to the true sufferings of the world. No gratitude.
Of course I won't say any of this and nor will I donate to her cause. I have to work on the intensity of this aversion. Judge not less you be judged; first do no harm etc.
It's a fine line. I am going to form some judgments about people. We all do. It is inate and part of how we keep ourselves safe from harm. The difference between having a program is that I take note of how harsh the judgments are, how much time I spend doing it, and the way I act on those judgments. Some people have views and make choices I dont agree with. That doesn't necessarily make them wrong, stupid, bad...or anything but different than me.
(((A41))) - For some reason, I find myself getting less judgmental as I age - I share as perhaps there is something to mellowing with age. I agree with PC - the thoughts and conclusions my brain goes to don't necessarily reflect my actions - and that's where I see more growth. I've come to realize and it's been a slow, slow process that when you have been affected by this disease, the first flying thought into my brain is rarely the right one.
I know that I find myself SMH (Shaking My Head) often at some of what I hear, see, etc. But I have worked really hard to just pray for them and detach. I am one who really struggled with Yes/No as complete sentences for a long while.
I reconnected with 6 high school girls at our reunion last year. One is very, very needy and is all about 'perfect'. She's beautiful and has perfect hair, skin, nails, clothes, car, etc. She hid from all of us that she was getting divorced. Of course, it came out and we are not a judgmental or gossipy group at all. We've planned many outings and gotten together and she's made it to one.
One of the gals has had a return of cancer, and is going through chemo currently. We had an outing planned for this Saturday coming up, and were planning the details. The gal with cancer is having her husband drive her as we're all geographically spread - about 75 miles apart. The gal hosting suggested they the boys could hang together and we could do our girls things. Well - the perfect gal posted to us all that she's bringing a 'friend'.
My AH wouldn't go if I invited him, and I'm OK with that - these are my HS girl friends...another gal is freshly divorced and struggling. The gal with cancer has no hair and is nauseous often. I just made a personal decision that I wanted no part of Miss Perfect bringing her new guy friend and parading her perfect guy around in this setting. So, I posted and said that my husband was out of town, I didn't know guys were coming and I'll pass this time and catch up the next time. The newly divorced gal wrote write after and said ditto for me too. Another gal says her husband won't come and she's not sure she wants to. And a fourth said she can't get there - she's farthest away and it was kind of last minute.
Well Miss Perfect decided to have a melt-down that we weren't coming to meet her guy. I've chosen to not respond because if she can't see that perhaps bringing a new guy around when one of us is passing from cancer and another is hurting from a fresh divorce, why would I try to explain? The whole purpose of the get together was to support our friend with cancer. I know she is sad, scared and probably not going to be around too much longer. My brain suggests that anyone with half a brain should 'see' this may not be the right time to bring a new man.
So - for me - even when I use program tools, give a measured, thought-out response that isn't blaming or attacking - depending upon the other person/persons - it can still blow up. I feel like I am returning to high school drama - 36 years later! I share as the tools in the program have been so helpful for me. Before the program, I probably would not have bowed out gracefully - but instead just called Miss Perfect selfish, self-centered and attention-seeking. Instead, I can wonder about those things but respond 'better' than I think.
When she chose to react to the declines emotionally, the program have me the tools to not react or respond. This all happened on Sunday and I am still doing what I do every morning for my friend who's sick - sending a good morning post to all with a photo of my dog or the sunrise. I'm posting small jokes and / or recipes. I'm not giving up on my support even though I am a bit disappointed and hurt. These are the gifts I see the program has given to me.
As you ponder your thoughts vs. your actions, my hope is you too can see the growth and progress. I 100% agree that we need to self-protect and do believe most out there are as imperfect as we are - just got different issues in their lives. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
a4l - It's difficult because if you've been taken advantage of time and time again by people, it can be hard to know where the line is and what behavior is appropriate. I think that if this is someone who causes their own problems, you're wise not to enable/encourage them by donating. At the same time, this person likely will not change if they don't wish to. In fact, this victim mentality likely benefits them in someway in their mind (even if you can plainly see it'd be better for them to work on themselves). So calling them out on it would likely not have the effect you hope it would.
The more you learn to trust your judgement the more the aversion should lessen. Because it's an easy, gentle setting of a boundary with the person and no need for guilt or shame to creep in.
((A41)) you awareness and acceptance of your position and attitude on this subject is impressive. I can readily identify. The 3 As helped me so that the action I took was to pray about it.i
Thank you all for the combined wisdom. I was a carefree hippy in many ways, with a built in sense of guilt. After a rude awakening lol, I started to take certain personalities very personally,though I've always been direct. Overarchingly though, I seek inner harmony. I'm allowing certain people to live rent free in my head by seeing them reflected in others, when really it is just the human condition and the family disease of alcoholism. I love life again. I really love it.
I can relate. This was one and still is one of my bag shortcomings. I'm getting better I think. I Try to work stop 3. I'm not great at it. I forget lol and I'm back in my will but step 3 kind of tells us how God of my understanding wants his children treated. With understanding courtesy and kindness. This sounds really cringey writing it down but this helps me because I can be so intolerant. I try to think a person has many deep and complex reasons for their chosen pity parties and I can't possibly know all these bit I was also deep in my own pity party too for yrs I think it's hard but I need to look at people from eye level rather than Mrs judgey with all the answers looking down.
