Hello Jen,
I think you got a lot of good responses and people sharing their ESH. I can relate to the feeling of loving him and him being a different person when he's not drinking and then a not so nice side coming out when he's intoxicated. I wrestled with that a lot in my relationship. I love my AH deeply and have tried very hard to wrestle with the disease before I came to Al anon. I thought his friends were the problem too so I tried to control that, I thought if he just quit for a while that would change him, I begged, pleaded, argued, cried, complained, counted drinks and reported them back to him, victimized myself and showed him how much of a victim I was. I tried it all. Nothing has worked. The disease just progressed and I see the disease more frequently and the person I love slips away. And I have come to realize there isn't anything I can do about it. All my attempts to control his drinking have made me the bad guy and drawn his attention away from his own behaviour. He tries to hide his drinking now, asks me how much I think is reasonable to drink, tells me I'm the crazy one who is boring and not fun. I didn't even realize how much I danced around the disease until I came to Al Anon a year ago. I can focus on how sad it is that the disease is taking him over and I cannot stop it but the best thing I can do is take care of myself. It is not selfish to set limits and boundaries. It is healthy. It is what emotionally healthy people do. You deserve a good life. No ifs ands or buts you deserve it. I found that as I attended the program I have become much more clear on what I want and need. I no longer give my AH ultimatums because it is all just noise. If my AH could stop because I might leave he would have already. If he had the desire to stop drinking he would have taken steps to do so. He's a grown adult he knows how to take steps to change. I need to make that decision for myself. Because of my child and other circumstances I can't make that move as easily. But I know in my heart that if and when I leave there will be no threat. There will be no chances and deal about staying or going the relationship will be done and I will be ready to move forward. I used to look to others to give me guidance around if I should stay or if I should go. Friends, family members etc. I wanted other's approval to be able to leave my relationship. Now I realize that it is only something I can choose. I can only look to my Higher Power to help me make that choice. I will know when it is time to go and I will go.

Hi I'm new to this group too and not that I'd want anybody to be in our situation but it is so sad that there are many of us out there. All the things you say in this post ring true to me too, I have had the strength to take a break from my AH and for the most part i keep myself busy with friends and family and have a great time but on off days I miss my best friend (AH) so much. I have so much guilt because as my mind starts to tick over what an amazing person he is when he isn't binging or apologising or feeling guilty everything seems rosie but then I realise also how you cannot have a relationship or indeed a future with someone who you can't rely upon, almost as if the AH has a hyde in them. It truly is heartbreaking at times and just when you think your feeling better too. Nikki

Hello Nikki - I too welcome you to MIP. So glad you found us and so glad you jumped right in and shared.

I'm with Betty above me - Al-Anon truly helped me understand more about the disease and the diseased, as well as how to take care of myself to act/react differently to it.

There is help and hope in recovery - keep coming back!