The material presented
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level.
So I'm fairly triggered atm and don't really have anyone I can call. My AH has been gone for 2 mos of job training in another state and was supposed to fly home tonight. He made it to his layover, with about an hour layover...actually 90 mins I think. Somehow he managed to miss his connection, said he was having "dinner" and didn't hear the final boarding call. He was also drunk when he called so it must have a been a wet dinner. He also went of a tirade about how rude the airline people are because they should've accommodated him etc (never taking responsibility for his bad behavior). Now he says he's going to sleep in the terminal.
I tried to detatch but man did I want to yell. I basically said well, you have to figure this problem out. You could consider taking a taxi to a hotel but it's up to you. Hopefully you learn something from this experience.
I can't say I'm super surprised but he does seem to be getting worse in the past month. I guess things can come in cycles.
I'm also frustrated at how much I was looking forward to seeing him, cleaning house all day, washing his car, did grocery shopping so the fridge would be full. And yet, in his life, I am profoundly second to alcohol. It makes me so sad.
I'm feeling shaky and really want to call a friend but I haven't told many people about his situation and I feel weird about doing it in a triggered state :/
Thanks for listening guys, I know I'm not alone :)
Be good to catch a meeting and sit with the recovering family and then go have coffee and conversation with them. That use to do me a world of good inn the past. Waking up in the airport after a ton of toddies cannot be a whole lot of fun....OOOOH WELLLLLLL!! ((((hugs))))
Hi Midnight Owl -- hope you're feeling more serene by now. This story reminded me a lot of something that happened with my ex-abf. We had planned for him and his kids to come to my house and stay over on a Saturday. I decided to skip something that I had planned for that morning (don't even remember what now), and made a big plan of house cleaning, shopping, buying flowers for the window boxes -- I was going to do all these great things to celebrate their arrival. I was at the store when I got a call from him saying that he realized that they couldn't come because he had to stay home and water his pot plants the following morning. I was so MAD. I thought "I've done all this for you, cancelled my plans, and am cooking and cleaning and shopping to make you happy, and you are choosing your stupid pot plants over me?". I angrily told him I couldn't go stay over there, b/c I had to be home in the morning, too.
In retrospect (not that day -- months later), I learned from this episode that I was full of resentment because of my expectations (as it says in one of the daily readers, "Expectations are pre-meditated resentments"), I was controlling ("If you're not coming here, then I'm not going there"), and that, yes, my addict boyfriend was choosing his pot plants over me. Because he's an addict! That is *his* higher power and that is the most important thing in the world to him. He's gonna drink/smoke/whatever, what am I gonna do? I was making him my HP, and I wanted to be his. That's not what I want anymore. I want a spiritual higher power, not a human one.
Anyway, good luck and hope you found that meeting and some recovery people to talk to.
Hi midnight owl. I am sorry you have to deal with this :(
I often say (since I am a recovering alcoholic) that it's not that they put you second to alcohol. In their sick mind, they always believe they can have alcohol and everything else (relationships, job, health) all the way up til those things start to go or are gone. THAT is the disease. It is rarely that they have the conscious thought "I think I will drink at the peril of my relationship."
I don't say this to make excuses for the alcoholic or to imply they are not selfish. They are. However, it is the disease taking over more and more. Knowing this...it makes it a little more tragic and pathetic when you see this stuff rather than a personal thing against you. Not sure if this helps.
Glad you decided to join us. Keep coming back. I think you hit on something important when you mentioned calling a friend for support but "I feel weird about doing it in a triggered state." We are really so lucky to have the Alanon program and the people in it who understand due to experiencing the effects of someone's drinking. We can freely express our emotions even sideways and receive empathy, understanding and support. I am always so grateful for this online forum and meetings.
I'm sorry for what you went through last night. It's can be so hard when you're expecting someone and don't know where they are or if they are OK. You were at least fortunate to have made contact with him. After enough times being left to wonder where the alcoholic/addict was late at night, I eventually surrendered the whole situation and got much needed sleep. It took time to get to that place of choosing my own well being and letting go of his.
You took the time to mention the things you've done at home in anticipation of his arrival. I hope you'll choose to be proud of yourself for what you've accomplished, enjoy your clean house and nurture yourself with a special meal from your full refrigerator. At least that's what I wish I could have done back when I believed what's the use, nothing's changed, why did I even bother. Who better to do these things for than ourselves? As my ex progressed in his disease I tried more and more to create a comfortable home, be a good listener, not say anything that might upset him etc. He seemed so unhappy within himself. I loved him and wanted to everything in my power to be a good wife and create a welcoming atmosphere at home. I really didn't understand how powerful addiction can be and that these kinds of things were not going to bring about changes in my husband.
As far as being "profoundly second to alcohol," it can feel very sad and lonely living with an alcoholic who is progressing in their disease. Truly, acknowledging those feelings were the beginning of letting go and letting god for me and working Step 1 of Alanon. My home was not quite so perfect after that but I began to see improvements to my physical and emotional well being.
I hope you're husband finds recovery and chooses to keep it. More importantly, you've found recovery. Working Alanon has been the best way of being self supporting and supportive in a healthy way of the active alcoholics in my life. Giving up the illusion of control and trusting that my higher power will do for me what I can't do for myself has been a life changer. Thy will not my will be done.
I hope today will be a better day for you and that you're feeling better from response you receive here and from attending the Alanon meeting. Thank you for sharing. Keep coming back! (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 17th of September 2016 09:25:14 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
e_i_m - Yes, those pesky expectations can really do us in can't they? Great point, and thank you for sharing your story, it's very helpful/healing to read :) I also think your point about making them our HP is profound. It's so, so unhealthy but difficult to realize for me...though I am starting to see it more and more. This morning I woke up early and put on a meditation video which helped manage me fear/worry really nicely. My first thoughts were...is he safe? Where did he sleep? And I cut them off and went into meditation, felt SO much better when I was done.
pinkchip - thank you for your honesty and sharing, that's a good point that they necessarily see it as one choice over another. I suppose in this case, it just wound up happening that way that drinking interfered with his ability to make it home. But it wasn't linearly thought out like that. That's helpful, thanks.
blindsided - glad to hear :)
jitsuke - thank you for that, I am feeling better today. I meditated this morning and went for a hike, it helped a lot.
tiredtonite - Yes, good point that I at least heard from him, that must be extra tough when you just don't know and I'm sure lots of people have to deal with that. I agree the Al anon is so great, it's OK to be triggered and frazzled, people totally get it and that's powerful stuff.
"Who better to do these things for then ourselves?" Yes -- great point, it's all about how we frame it. I do enjoy my clean house, I do enjoy not having to go grocery shopping today...thanks for that :)
And yes, thanks so much everyone, I am feeling much better today and it was great to have the support from you when I needed it, it made a world of difference.
(((MidnightOwl))) - I've been gone all day and am so grateful for your share here.....the responses you got made my heart happy as you were in need and others shared with you! A testament to you and the program and the intent of our program - we are all Miracles in Progress - helping each other with support, ESH!
Glad you're in a better place and I can so relate to your first post. Now when I clean the whole house in anticipation of an event - no matter what happens next, I am so grateful for the clean house!! I do prefer a clean/tidy place and I have learned in the program that I do it for me as much as for anyone else.
Make it a great evening - you got some tools now - ain't it grand? (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
