The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here and I am reaching out for help. My Son is 31 yrs old. He has been struggling with addiction for many yrs. He just got out of detox one week ago today. I had to call a ambulance one hour ago because he OD on Fentanyl. I am at my wit's end. He has no where else to go. He came to my home after his last inpatient. His 3 sisters don't want anything to do with him. I called the hospital and told them he best call a counselor and get in somewhere. I am so stressed out. Police and Describes came with the ambulance and they start interrogating me like i am hiding drugs. I just can't take this hell he has put me through anymore.
((tired Mom))) positive thoughts and prayers on the way, Addiction is heart breaking and it affects the entire family. Because of dealing with the insanity of the disease we, the family do need a program to recover .
Alanon and Naranon face to face meetings are held in most communities and thee hot line number is in the white pages.
Please keep coming back
Thank you for your reply.I will have to seek out meetings for myself.
I am sitting in my room now since the ambulance took him to the hospital. I am hoping I did the right thing.
I noticed some posts that said let God take over that he has a plan. But my Son was unresponsive to me. When he opened his eyes they would roll back.
They asked if I was going to the hospital to be with him and I said No. I have had enough.
I am so sorry to hear about the struggles your son and family is going through due to the disease of addiction. I understand the pain and overwhelming sense of hopelessness as a parent watching your child go through this horrendous disease is extremely difficult. There is hope though. Reaching out here is a good first step for you. My daughter was in active addiction when I first joined here about 18 months ago and began the painful process of learning how to detach with love and understand addiction as a disease. Support for myself was paramount as I was becoming as sick as she was, lost in the disease, trying to control it and basically driving myself to the point of a complete emotional shut down. I struggled to grasp how this could have happened and was determined that I was going to beat it back. I learned through the help of the 12 steps of al-anon how to let go, how to focus on myself, and how powerless I really am over other people. It has been very freeing. A and although things are far from perfect, they are so much better. Take care of yourself.
You did the right thing. I had to learn how to do that myself when I came to understand my powerlessness within the addiction. When you don't know what to do or can't do what is necessary the thing to do is call for help. Good for him that you did that. Turn it over. ((((hugs))))
Well don't then. Sounds harsh but put him out, don't give him your home and life as a place to re-couperate and recover in time for the next blow out he decides to have. Hes a grown man, let him go, fly out the next sink or swim. He has the same chances as anyone else in terms of making choices that are good for him
I am pretty sure you are doing the right thing. He absolutely must feel his helplessness, that he can't do it any longer. He has to feel that all his plans and designs aren't working. And if he has another safe place to stay like mom's, he probably will think he can handle it one more time. In my experience, personal experience and experience with other abusers, is that we don't learn anything if someone is protecting us from ourselves.
(((HUGS)) (Stick around Alanon/Naranon we need to become well ourselves.)
I've shared where you are. What you have to realize is that you are going to feel guilt whatever you do because you are a mom. We emancipated our thirty eight year old son five months ago because we were being destroyed emotionally and financially. And every night I lay awake and worry about how he is doing and what he is doing. But I did that when he was living with us also so it is no change. What we both have to realize is that we were not helping them by giving them a place to stay, a bed to sleep in, financial freedom. We were only feeding the addiction and killing ourselves in the process.
Our son appears to have pulled himself together once he realized that his enablers were finished for good. He has a job. Whether he is doing something for his addiction, I do not know as he is very angry with us. I wish we had stopped much earlier.
Al anon has helped me enormously- helped me manage the guilt, helped me see that we were really allowing his addiction, helped me begin to heal from a long and very stressful time. It's not easy but baby steps! God bless you my dear- we never asked for this but we have to deal with where we are.
(((Tired Mom))) - welcome to MIP.....so glad that you found us and glad that you shared. I am sorry for the pain caused in your life by the disease and the diseased. I have two sons and my first born OD'd twice in my presence. It is horrifying, scary and I can so relate to your exhaustion. I too worried endlessly when they lived with me as well as when they did not. Only in Al-Anon have I had the support I truly needed to work on me, understand how powerless I truly am and get a bit more sanity restored in myself.
Like deacon, it was extremely painful to put them out, but I was at a point where I too had no choice. I have come to accept that I was standing in the way of their bottom as well as their maturity. It's a process to detach and recover, but so worth it. I now offer support for them (never financial, boarding) when they truly need it and are working towards their future.
If you want to go to the hospital, then go. If you don't want to go, then don't go. Putting yourself first may feel selfish, but for me, it's part of what I was told I needed to do to heal.
There is hope and help in Al-Anon - I found my support and sanity in the meetings locally. I truly believe the program has saved my sanity and my life in so many ways.
Keep coming back - sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I see your post is 19 hours old now. I hope you are feeling that you're in a better place now. You're post really brought back early memories for me when I was not yet in Alanon. My ex overdosed on that same med. He actually didn't want me to call the paramedics when I found in on the floor foaming from the mouth. Of course I ignored him. So many years later, I still remember how frightening was.
In his case, he'd gotten his drug of choice the old fashioned way through doctors prescriptions. I chose to go in the ambulance because after reaching out to his doctors, expressing my dismay and disagreement with the amount of drugs they were prescribing, they had tried to shut me down a gruff tone and self righteous indignation. At that time, I didn't know how to stand up for myself or for him for that matter but my fear for his life caused me to speak up to these doctors even if they could out talk me due to their positions and educations. I went to the hospital because I'd lost faith in medical professionals. Some might say if he didn't get the drugs from them he would have gotten it on the street and that would likely be true. But no one on the street takes the oath "first do no harm," as doctors do. As much as I hated what his addiction was doing to himself and us, I loved the person under the disease, he was my family. When he was roomed, a floor resident assigned to him responded to everything my exah asked or said with the words "you're an addict." He said those words with such repulsion I felt shame for both of us. Again I had no Alanon at that time so I wasn't able to deflect comments like that. I was glad I was there because my husband was being stigmatized by a person from whom I would have expected compassion. I could at least make sure healthcare professionals attended to his needs like any other patient with any other illness. A twenty eight day 12 step rehab program was not enough for my exah who was addicted to this drug. He did inpatient for much much longer and it included a combination of medical, psychological and spiritual recovery. The health ins. company just kept extending and approving payment of his rehabilitation time. He was very ill.
I understand how this can turn your life upside down to the point where you'd like to just run away from home. No one can advise as to what's the best thing to do. We share similarities in our stories but our lives are personal to each one of us. The Alanon meeting really helped me feel less alone and less frightened. I grew better at make choices that honored my own sanity and I prayed a lot.
I wish you the best with making decisions that give you peace. We have online Alanon meetings at this site. Hope you'll keep coming back. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
As long as they know they can rely on our help, they will never reach for the help that they really need - the help of the Great Higher Power God who can deliver them from addiction to serenity.
In Al-Anon, I found out that God was real, made of love & knew exactly how to take care of me. I didn't find that out until I stopped believing in God entirely & only said a prayer to God because my sponsor told me to. I said, "God, I don't believe in you anymore. I believed in you so long & my life went to hell. So now I'm probably just talking to myself like a fool. But I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I have no idea what it is right & true & real. But if you're real & you're hearing me, please take this problem away from me & handle it. I promise not to try to fix it myself anymore. So either you will step in & take care of this or it will all fall to ruin because I am leaving it to you. I hope you're real & I hope you care. Because I'm giving up. I surrender." Then I went to bed & I really truly GAVE UP. I quit worrying & trying to solve the issue I was having with the alcoholic in my life. The next day I woke up & received a phone call that the problem I had been worried about had been solved - completely solved in a way that made so much sense & required no extra effort from me. It seemed that the person was going to be OK for now without any further effort from me. All I had to do was not interfere & just let it be. That's when I realized that "Higher Power" was real whether I believed in it or not. I just had to act with faith even if I didn't FEEL the faith, even if I didn't believe. Actions speak louder than opinions. Acting with faith is what is required, not belief. Belief is not enough & belief is not required. Surrendering is an action that allows Higher Power to come in & participate. After that, I continued praying and went on to learn that everyone everywhere had the same access to this Higher Power. I didn't have to manage the universe, thank God, because I couldn't, I wasn't designed for managing the universe or anyone else's life. I couldn't even manage my own. But I could surrender to a Higher Power do the managing. When you don't know what to do, do nothing. But pray. Right now, I have to use my same faith in a situation with my alcoholic father. I have to pray hard & then let go. I have to decide whether or not I will move to Europe to help him even knowing that if I don't, he may die of alcoholism & die alone. But I also know from experience that as long as I am around him while he's drinking or trying to help him change, I will get very sick & my life will go to hell. It has happened every time. It's guaranteed. I have to have the faith to lead by example & surrender my own life to God's plan knowing that my Dad might never follow the example & surrender himself to be saved from addiction. It is so offensive to my ego to realize that no matter how faithful a daughter I am, I still don't have the ability to make my father well. It is what I've wanted to do all my life. And now my experience is telling me that I'm NOT the answer to his problems. All my life I have wanted the chance to prove to him that I could make his work if he would let me manage it for him. Now he has finally asked me to do exactly that. And I have to say no! Oh my God, what an identity crisis. The thing is I was wrong all my life. I can't save him anyway. Only God can save him & only if he lets God save him. He is not his own Higher Power & I am not his Higher Power either. All I do when I get in the way is make him think that he can rely on me to bail him out when the fact is I'm not nearly powerful enough to replace the bottle for him. Only God's Powerful Love can replace the alcohol or drugs or whatever substance the person is hooked on. And as long as I keep bailing him out, giving him money, putting up with his drunkenness, he will keep relying on me & my little human strength when what he really needs to rely on is the infinite strength of his HigherPower/HigherSelf/God/Love/Creator entity which I know for a fact to be real. This is a lesson that was proven to me & yet I have to continue reminding myself of it everyday in order not to fall into old habits. Thank you so much for your post because it made me remember this fundamental truth.
Welcome to MIP AKS - glad that you found us and so glad that you joined right in! Great share - keep coming back ... love that you are part of our journey!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks to all of you for your great reply.
Right now my Son is in a detox and from there going to a long term placement.
He calls me from detox. I try so hard not to answer his calls but I imagine since his siblings want nothing to do with him I should answer.His counselor wants a meeting with his family and his 3Sisters said no they are all done with him. I don't want to go either.
(((Beth)) I do understand your concerns and would like to assure you that i have attended such meetings with Social Workers (regarding my son)and am glad that i did. Positive thoughts on the way
(((Beth))) - I too have been asked to join my A Son(s) for meetings during treatment with the counselors. I've established my boundaries in such a way that if they are seeking recovery, I will attend these type of sessions. I actually look forward to them as I feel I have a 'witness' to the boundaries I've put in place to limit the damage to my serenity should there be a relapse.
As with all things recovery, I tried to go with an open mind. Easier said than done - I too understand how so very frustrating this disease is.
Sending your positive thoughts and prayers. Same for your son.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am into a situation of this sort, but not this worse. But for all mom's their kids are the best and they want them to be good in whatever they are. My prayers for you dear. Everthing will be alright.
