The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel my problem is probably one that is not experienced much by others, but here goes.
My alcoholic husband, who was 20 years sober at the time, died 3 years ago. I didn't realize then how much time, effort and energy I spent taking care of him during his last few years of illness (he suffered from cirrhosis of the liver, caused by excessive drinking). I did go to Alanon, was active in Alanon and thought I was doing fairly well with my program while taking care of him.
Now that he's gone, and after 3 years of grieving, I'm remembering a slightly different version of what I used to tell myself. I didn't do much to take care of me; I mostly taking care of him. I got no sleep at all, refused to ask for help, refused to hire help, and didn't ask family and friends to come over to give me a break. The martyr. I can do it all. Even our doctor (we shared a doctor) told me to get out, get help, and for God's sake, stop doing everything myself. I replied that well if I leave him alone he'll set the house on fire, which he had done several times, and the doctor's reply was "so what, it might set a fire under you to get out and do something other than being a co-dependent mess."
Or words to that effect.
Anyway, my memory is coming back, and I'm realizing that I had been barely hanging on, and I think the first few months after his death I did nothing but sleep.
My mom, bless her heart, was a true Alanon (although she had never heard of Alanon by the time she passed away) she had married 3 alcoholics. I wasn't going to do that, so I only married one. I can't say I'm perfect either, as I'm an alcoholic myself and was sober 8 years before I got sober. We thought he was the Alanon, and even went to Alanon meetings to try to understand me. The only thing was he didn't like Alanon, so he kept going to AA meetings. What I didn't know at the time was that he had been drinking secretly while I was busy in AA meetings. That last year of his drinking he couldn't hide it anymore and it became very apparent that he needed AA also. He didn't get sober right away, he relapsed several times before he finally got 20 years of continuous sobriety. I thought being an alcoholic in recovery was hard; but being sober with a newly sober alcoholic seemed even harder. I think I'd rather be the alcoholic than live with one.
Anyway, I've learned this past year that what I know about Alanon can fit in a teacup or less, and I need to get back into some kind of emotional sobriety. I did everything wrong in the last few years of my marriage and thought I was doing ok. It's amazing to me how blind I was to it all.
Sorry for the book here. I needed to express that so I can get back into the program and start living a better life.
Hi PatG1025, I joined al-anon several months after a relationship with an A ended (about 8 years ago). I sought out al-anon because I felt emotionally unstable and realized how much alcoholism/addiction throughout my life had affected me. I totally came for me -- I wasn't coming to save a marriage or to stop a child from drinking; but I was in just as much emotional turmoil. When i started, I encountered (and still encounter) people at meetings (f2f) who no longer had alcoholics (active or otherwise) in their lives, so I didn't feel like an oddball. I just joined this Miracles in Progress online community a few weeks ago (when I was very upset about yet another relationship with an A) and it seems to me that most people who are active on MIP are dealing with being in close relationships with As here and now. However, I know that al-anon is for me and that the effects of the family disease of alcoholism/addiction will always be with me. I need this program to be able to better deal with the crazy ways of thinking that are deeply ingrained in me, and to be able to deal with the crazy situations that life throws at me. Whenever I stop going (whether for a week or for years), I lose the serenity that the program offers. I need it for me and it's clear to me that I will always need it, and I'm so grateful I discovered it and so grateful that even when I turn my back on al-anon, al-anon will still be there and I can "keep coming back."
Rest assured you will fit in well, several members of my home group no longer have active alcoholics in their life. They still benefit greatly. Their AHs passed away years ago.
Al Anon has helped me to count my assets along with my defects and to forgive myself when I think that I've handled something badly in the past. I'm perfectly imperfect and that, by my book, is as good as it gets!!
These boards have helped me to see that I have the power to make the most of the life I've been gifted, although day to day I find that it is easy for me to forget that!!
Thank you for the reminders, wishing you a gentle caring day ((((hugs))))
Welcome Pat I am so sorry to read of the loss of your spouse. It soundx as if you were a dedicated supprotive partner through out the illness and lost yourself in your compassionate responses.
Denial is a powerful tool that I too reverted to when my partner was ill, because it helped me to do what I wanted and abandon myself .
I know that you are not alone and that by simply attending alanon meetings, with an open mind and picking up the slogans and the Steps you will be helped tremendously.
I am so sorry for your loss. Just want to say that you are right where you need to be, right on schedule. They told me to "Stay in the Day." I hope this helps you too (((peace)))
Quotes from the alanon CAL Bookmark "Just for Today":
..I will live one day only and not try to solve the whole problem of life at once.
...I will be unafraid of life and death; unafraid to enjoy the beautiful and to be happy.
...I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to make everything over to suit me. If I cannot have what I like, I will like what I have.
...I will be agreeable, cheerful, charitable, praise people for what they do, not criticize them for what they cannot do; and if I find fault, I will forgive it and forget it. I will not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.
...I will have a plan. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have one. It will save me from worry, hurry, and indecision.
... I will look at life with fresh eyes and discover the wonder of it; I will know that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
... I will not show it if my feelings are hurt.
...I will find a little time to relax and to realize what life is and can be; time to think about God and get a better perspective on myself.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 14th of September 2016 09:52:49 AM
Pat, Welcome home. I have lived much of your story. Alcoholic husband became sick, I tried to handle everything myself for a while, he died just over a year ago. I don't have to go into details because you already know them. Alanon has been a great gift, so I say dive into it, you are not alone.
Welcome Pat to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I too am sorry for your loss and also can share that my group have members who have lost their spouse...
Please keep coming back - I agree that you'll fit right in!
There is help and hope in recovery!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For some reason I find online alanon communities so much nicer than online AA. Some of the online AAers use it as half measures and are dry drunky contrarians. Pat - I think being here and upping f2f AA and/or alanon would help a lot. Less drama and more support and getting out of the house more. Also with 30 years sober like you have, people in AA sometimes probably expect you to be like the dali lama of AA. That happens less in alanon it seems. You get to just be you without all your "time" giving people assumptions or acting like you have to be giving so much more than taking.
I personally love the self care elements of alanon. They are not as emphasized in AA. AA is like "help others! help others!" All good, but take care of me first.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 14th of September 2016 06:06:54 PM
Thank you so much everyone! I was almost afraid to read the responses, like Pinkchip said, some of the online AA sites I've been to were not supportive at all, and would have picked me apart.
I feel like I've come home. Thank you so much. Love and (((HUGS)))
Pat - most of us are like a stern large lot of teddy bears - we'll love you and support you as best we can yet we still say it like we see it. I suppose in some circles, we'd be considered the potential dysfunctional family you never had!
Please keep coming back - your wisdom and ESH will be very, very welcome!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
