The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think detachment is one of the strongest tools of the program. But I'm not very good at it yet. I've tried but the resentment and anger or pity always seem to show up eventually.
My question is, can I detach without love first? Is any form of detachment a beginning or am I just spinning wheels? Thank you for any insight!
Yes you can. Detachment with indifference was my first go to tool. After a time, I went to detachment with anger and then finally when, I was able to work the slogans I could detach with love Remember it is all a process . Keep on keeping on .
Me as well - detachment with indifference was my starting point too. Like Betty, I moved to anger and then with all the program tools, and acceptance of life on life's terms, I finally was able to detach with love. For me, the program helped me separate the disease from the diseased - and I needed that for peace and growth. I could no longer blame my qualifier for all that happened in the past and the pain I felt. Understanding more about the disease and my role in the chaos/insanity helped me find compassion for their pain caused by this disease.
Great topic and great processing. Keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Not only do I still struggle with detachment at times, I don't think it is with love yet. It's not even indifference......it is more like "I need to protect myself!"
As I am coming to accept that alcoholism is a disease (thought I accepted it, but every once in a while I catch myself seeing it as a choice) I am having more compassion, but it still doesn't feel like detachment with love. Not that much compassion, yet! LOL.
Sigh..........recovery is tough. Thank you all for being here with me and for me!
I think in started the whole 'detach' thing off to protect myself. From taking the verbal abuse etc personally. Also learning that it was ok to remove myself from it.
I used to drink, am about 6 years sober, my experience of drinking was that it certainly wasn't a choice to me, I had no control over it. It ruled me and everything in my life. It was hell on earth quite honestly. I hope that maybe helps others to read this.
Thanks again for putting words to my feelings because I really struggle with that. I am trying to protect myself.
I've been angry too. Actually I think I started more with that. I know it gets me nowhere. At least if I ignore him or act indifferent I'm not creating more problems. Well not out in the open anyway.
I am an anger guy and so that was my first method of detachment and after recognizing that the only consequence the anger provided me was a tired spirit and body and mind I went to indifference which was almost as bad or worse. Detaching and carrying around negative thoughts, feelings and actions is/was sick and my depression fed off of it but then that was my first experience with detachment. I had to learn what love was and how powerful it made detachment and I could detach and love her and myself both at the same time while feeling the love my Higher Power had for me with the program. Great post ((((hugs))))
Yes I detached with indifference and with anger at first as well. It takes a lot of practice to detach at all so any detachment is better than none. You will get better at it the more you work the program. It took me a long time to detach with love. I think I have been detaching with love lately thanks to the program. Keep moving forward :)
For me, it has a basis in self love. I want to keep my serenity and keep myself safe. That safety can be any combination of physical, emotional or spiritual wellness.
A program person once gave me a bookmark with an Alanon definition from our conference approved literature. It says, detachment is not about detaching from the person whom we care about but from the agony of involvement.
I like that statement. It doesn't oblige me to feel any certain way, just to take an action on behalf of my own sanity. I think it works great when I practice it because it gives me time to consider my own thoughts and future actions. It removes the opportunity to engage in insane behavior that I might later regret. I think feeling angry and resentful seems only natural when being unjustly challenged by someone. When I remove myself from the situation whether it's physically removing myself or just taking deep breaths and taking myself to a place in my own mind where I repeat the serenity prayer during a verbal confrontation, I'm being proactive in protecting my well-being.
Those are tools I use in the moment. When my thinking is clearer, I can rationally consider other feelings I'm feeling and work through them. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 9th of September 2016 12:35:55 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Ceelee, great question and lots of great answers here. My experience with detachment was default indifference after a period of utter exhaustion. It almost felt like I had no other choice, and that was a good start. Then I began to experiment with loving detachment, starting slowly and that has worked VERY well for both myself and my AH.
