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So my abf finally went to an AA meeting. He said he found some parts interesting but he doesn't think that it will help him long term because he still feels drinking is a choice and he just has to make better choices. Sadly I told him I can no longer see him until he goes for at least 30 days and then we will re-evaluate our relationship. Crazy thing is a LOT of stuff online gives AA a bad rap (articles from doctors even!) stating alcoholism is not a disease and AA keeps telling them they are powerless over it and because of that they end up feeling they will never be able to stop. Its almost like they are confirming what my abf says.. that he CAN do it alone with willpower. :-/ I told him to go anyway and he says he will. I just find it sad that there is so much negatively about AA. I hope he doesn't read it.
Alcoholics have dozens of ways to insist that they're not like "those" alcoholics.
If he doesn't like AA - for real reasons rather than made-up ones - is he researching other formal recovery programs? That would suggest that he has accepted that he needs support and structure and real help. But it sounds to me like he's just giving that old "I'm actually fine, I can do it alone, no problem" excuse that most of us know so well. My thought (not that it helps to tell them) is "If it were so easy for you to do it just by yourself, you would have done it already."
But a lot of people start recovery with all kinds of conflicted feelings, so who knows? The important thing is that you are in recovery and doing what it takes to keep yourself serene despite all the alcoholic shenanigans.
Aerin - Recovery is available to those who want it. He may just not be ready yet and we all hear that each has to reach their own bottom to spark willingness. I will suggest that any of us can find articles, write-ups and more online to support our stance on any issue. For each article written badly about AA, I can find one opposite.
As with Al-Anon, HOW makes all the difference - Honesty, Open mindedness and Willingness. I am not suggested he is intentionally lacking these 3 key characteristics, I am rather suggesting that denial runs deep, deeper than we realize or know - on both sides of the room.
The best you can do for you - just for today - is keep your focus on you and your recovery. He's going to do what he's going to do - what are you going to do?
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I agree that one needs to hit their own bottom to either walk through the doors of AA or accept they really need it. My AH went to AA years ago and decided he didn't want to go back. Why? According to him, his problems weren't as severe as those in the room. He said, " I haven't killed, robbed, gone to jail/prison, had a DWI, lost my job or home. I am not like them." Of course, looking from the outside, in.......alcohol has greatly impacted his life and those around him! Absolutely! But.....he never experienced the extremes and therefore it disqualifies him in his own mind. According to him......"I'm not that bad."
So, that means instead of waiting for him to seek help and treatment, I am seeking my own recovery from the insanity I have participated in.....fully owning my part in the chaos......while trying to "help."
Sounds like he's telling you a bunch of BS. I never got that message from AA. And there are articles on the internet saying anything and everything. For example everything makes you fat and gives you cancer according to the internet. Don't buy his BS. Also 30 days of AA is a start but if what you want is a sober bf...let that be your boundary. AA only works with full effort...not half assed. Kind of like saying you are happy your kid goes to school and are ok if they don't study or do homework or learn. He's not special or different. All alcoholics binge. To me going on week long or more benders is worse than daily drinking. Thinking how special or different or how "AA cant possibly help MEEEE!" is the halmark of someone who isn't done yet and wants to prep you for their imminent relapse.
Sorry to sound negative but Ive been around the block many times and I know when alcoholism is speaking rather than reason. You deserve the truth. What will you do if this BS, "Im so different I cant be helped", ongoing relapsing goes on? What about YOU?
Pinkchip...
He will go 5 days without a drink and then cave in and overdrink for a day. Then he may go 4 days. Then ONE time he made it 2weeks. Some people (especially him) see one day as no big deal. But he undergoes a bad personality change. And the days leading up to the binge he is grumpy. It is so hard for me, as a non drinker, to grasp the concept that he might really want to stop but really isnt going to. I definitely have a problem thinking of ME and my life because I always want to help and not desert him when he seems so sincere. And seems to struggle trying. For me to say I am not going to see you for awhile was a huge step for me. But Deep down, I really don't want to live like this, with a Jekell n Hyde relationship. I honestly dont see how anyone with a beer drinking problem can stop since beer is all around constantly everywhere people go from a sporting event to a party etc.. if he goes to someone's house to help them move furniture lets say, it seems like everyone offers him a beer and he doesn't know how to say no.
What do I want? A non drinker. That seems impossible to find.
Alcoholism is such a long if not never ending journey. My mother went ten years sober. My dad once did a year. I did seven, fell off, three years, five drunk occasions within and this is what I know now for myself. I got it from Jerry F, his words sunk in more than anyone else's because I've found them to be true. Its a disease of the mind and an allergy of the body. My mind tells me all kinds of shite, some of it even used to sound plausible. But the fact is, my brain and body do react negatively to alcohol which is how I understand allergy and if not managed with total abstinence I risk everything of value in this life. I may run the risk of ire, but I do not think pure aa is the best fit for everyone, particularly women, because alcoholic women experiences are frankly different. Not entirely but as an example, womens reality is not a paradigm which encompasses enabling as generally as a mans does. That is my view. But whether or not aa is a long term recovery programme, it's an excellent place to start, if one is well and truly sick of being drunk or being someone they hate when drunk whether that's once a week or once a decade. It doesn't sound to me like your abf has accepted he is an alcoholic. But that is his to accept and it may take him the rest of his life or it may never come. Keep taking care of you.
Oh Dear, I hear myself...my younger and less tired of alcoholism self in your words. My RAH used to drink beer. On special occasions (which could be whatever), he would drink hard liquor. Neither he nor I could drink hard liquor or we would wind up in the most horrible arguments...so, we both agreed never to drink liquor again. Beer was fine, of course...because we were like everyone else so it must have been the right thing to do.
Fast forward twenty plus years. Neither of us has drank hard liquor again. I stopped drinking completely after being prescribed a medication that said not to drink while taking it. It wasn't an issue for me. He kept up the beer. Sometimes, in the beginning of our relationship (for a few years at least), he would go days or maybe even a week or more without a drink.
[His father was an A. His mother was killed by an A who hit her car from behind and caused it to catch fire. She did not make it out of the car. He and a neighborhood girl "hooked up" and had a kid while their daddies were getting drunk together and he married into a world of hell, giving him "reason" to drink. If we got married, then he wouldn't need to drink his beer, but then...he did need it. You know, if something happened (just insert anything that may have gone wrong or even could have gone wrong) and it was a reason he needed a few beers to relax.]
Things kept getting worse and yet he was always perfect in everyone's eyes, except mine, because the rose colored glasses must have broken in one of my fits of rage. But, then he started to loose it pretty much in every way. He was still an attractive man, but he was starting to look like "a drunk". You kne the big pores, the slightly oily look, the breath that wasn't ever fresh, the reddish, ruddy complexion and he was starting to get hurt more often doing stupid things. He was cutting his hands because he was unsteady. He was tripping on limbs in the woods. He fell out of A tree stand. He ruined his shoulder pulling some stupid log for only God knows what.
Finally when he hit his bottom, he decided he wasn't better than anyone anymore. He wanted help and he meant it. There were no more of the I can quit if I want to, but I just don't want to comments. There were no more comments period. Now, he only comments that he will not miss his meeting (unless he is out of town for work or there is an emergency....or on the very very rare occasion that we are doing a family thing.
He only drank beer. Th problem cam in when he was drinking 30 plus a day, and only God could say now many more than that on the weekends.
I can't judge your fellow, but I can promise that drinking only beer means nothing! An alcoholic is an alcoholic and it doesn't matter what the drink of choice is, the result is still the same.
Oh, and he used to say all the same things about AA as well....but today he most certainly did not miss his meeting and we live 30 minutes away from either AA or AlAnon meetings. Trust me when I say, it is worth the drive and beer is just as bad as any other drink.
Hi Aerin,
I can see how this whole situation has taken over so much of your time and thoughts. It's hard not to focus intently on something that worries you. When I do that though it makes my life unmanageable. Suddenly I can't focus on anything else but my AH and how many drinks he did or didn't have. Thanks to Al anon face to face meetings I was able to get my life back. My AH drinks sometimes, doesn't drink others, has talked the talk but not walked the walk. He goes up and down from day to day thinking he can figure out a way to control it. The best thing I ever did was take my hands (and focus) off his problem. I used to get so obsessed because I didn't think he understood that if he didn't stop behaving the way he did I would leave. Now I realize my AH is just as powerless over the alcohol as I am he just can't see that because he is sick. The way I made myself very sick was basing my wellbeing on if he is drinking or not drinking. I would pit his love for me against the alcohol and I would lose every single time. It is completely up to my AH if he seeks sobriety and even if he does it may not work. No matter how hard I try I won't figure it out for him. Meanwhile my life is ticking by and I am determined not to waste so much time focused on his drinking. I've already lost valuable time I will never get back.
Have you tried face to face meetings? I wish you some peace around this Aerin.
It is not as hard to pass on alcohol as people think...especially when you know deep down it is your enemy and not your friend. It is just a dumb liquid and I can drink soda, water...whatever...but I have this clarity because I have long term sobriety and surrendered. I got wasted and messed my life up ENOUGH times. It is not fun for me or normal. To be "normal in situations around 'normal" drinkers, ironically I just need to do 1 thing...not drink alcohol. I dunno Aerin. Sounds like he hasn't hit bottom yet and is passing through that phase of "Yeah...I drink too much but it's not that bad!" I went through that phase too. I could stop for periods. Stopped 4 months on my own once. But fact is...I got plowed every time I drank. I NEVER had "a couple" drinks. I pray for your A. But just wanted to educate you that what you are hearing is typical disease talk and the inner dialog of an alcoholic still with denial and not convinced of step 1. Hence, it is likely there will be more craziness with him but if you really cling to and work alanon, you dont have to go crazy with him
Also, most guys are not drunks. There are things in you that are pulling for being in relationships or a relationship with an alcoholic. That is work to be done in alanon. Figure out what is acceptable for you versus not, red flags you missed...where you compromised your desires and best interest for him and to look after numero uno now YOU.
Aloha Aerin, good to read these post. I learned long ago that when the alcoholic says "I think" try not to laugh. Alcohol affects the mind most of all and then the rest of the body and person. It is a most powerful chemical. Your alcoholic know nothing about recovery and to do so would take years of dedicated attendance at AA groups and with sponsors and counselors. I am a double; a member of both programs and I also included college in my recovery journey to understand what I was, had been doing and what the consequences were. Some of those consequences have remained even after 37 years of being chemical free. The definition in part of alcoholism mentions that the alcoholic has a compulsion of the mind...I am one who can still admit the compulsion remains while I no longer drink the disease doesn't care. It keeps trying. Keep coming back and thanks for the share/post. ((((hugs))))
