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I'm having trouble with acceptance. I cannot accept his rudeness, his sarcasm, I don't think I should be treated this way. I know this is gonna happen, I learned that this is going to be the behavior even when he promises not to drink or if ever he will not be able to keep up with his promise.
How can I survive daily sarcasm and rudeness. From waking up in the morning he's the first person I see, and the day ends with him the person I last see. I try so much not to have contact with him but it cannot be 100% because we live together. And every time, every moment of our encounter is filled with resentment for each other. So much anger, so much hatred, so much bitterness. None of the tools seem to be working... I feel so helpless, I would like to be numb but I can't... I don't want to feel anything, nothing at all
Hi jocelqp, sorry that you are struggling...I appreciate that AlAnon never tells us that we need to accept unacceptable behavior, and helps us discover what we can and cannot deal with while maintaining our physical and mental health.
I always turn to meetings and literature for guidance when I am struggling, and there is some great wisdom in this area in the Courage to Change (C2C), One Day at a time in AlAnon, and Hope for Today. C2C topic on Acceptance, particularly p. 232, and Boundaries, p.345 were particularly helpful for me.
Hang in there, seek out the program in any ways you can, and you will find the answers...
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Hello Jocelgo I believe that "Acceptance "of a situation does not mean we like it or approve of it. We merely look at the behavior , understand that we are powerless to change it and "accept" that this is what this person does.
Once I was able to do this(accept the reality of what was going on )I was able to then decide exactly what action I could take in order to protect myself.
Pray about your options and listen for the still small voice within Positive thoughts on the way.
(((Jocel))) - so very sorry for the pain you are in. I'm with Paul - I don't accept bad behavior necessarily but I do focus instead on acceptance that for this moment, on this day, I am powerless over others and their words. I am big into the literature also when I'm struggling or calling my sponsor. It's never easy when you feel stuck in a hostile/unpleasant chaotic environment. We did quite a bit of avoidance and that became a gift I treasured as it was way better than the other.
I am a big user of the Serenity Prayer in times of trouble and the abbreviated version - Bless Them / Change Me. Know that we're here for you.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you very much for encouraging me that I should continue not to accept bad behavior. I know there's a lot more room for improvement in how I should deal with situations especially unacceptable ones as well as acceptance of reality and what is. I hope and pray I will be enlightened of the changes I need to apply to myself... Thank you for your shares on how you dealt with these hardships
(((Hugs)))
I found by me not reacting to other peoples sarcastic comments, anger etc they fizzled out. People do these things to get a reaction of us. So if no reaction, they begin to see if pointless and stop.
The behaviour is not ok in any way, I accept some people act this way. However when I change my response my world changes.
I don't have to give away my calmness over sometime else's behaviour choices.
It is hard at times but gets easier.
I find when I don't react to people's sarcastic comments or rudeness, that person then looks and feels kind of silly!
Very well said Calm Lady....thank you for that! I agree that things changed here when I changed - especially reacting. A part of me viewed their sarcasm/nastiness almost like 'sport' and once it was no longer fun in the form of me reacting, they moved on to new/different things. I now feel that it's just a defense mechanism they use/d to deter any focus on the true elephant in the room - the disease.
Accepting the disease and the way it affects the mind, body, heart and soul of the diseased really helped me put the blame where it belonged - to the disease. I was fortunate enough to know my qualifiers before the progression, so knew there were kind hearts under the layers of alcoholism. It never excused poor behavior, but it did help me to accept it for what it was - part of them and their disease vs. about me and my defects.
(((Hugs))) to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
it's taken me a long time to understand (not just in my head but in my heart) that difference between acceptance of a person and their behaviors, and not accepting an unacceptable behavior. My tendency towards denial makes it easy for me to acept unacceptable behavior of so many kinds.
In fact, a personal motto I have been using lately is "I accept you and your behavior, but that doesn't mean I want to be around you or your behavior."
Boundaries were the tool I used to put a stop to verbal abuse and rudeness. Of course you shouldnt put up with it, thats not what Alanon asks us to accept. I learned what is and isnt acceptable and when I was in recovery long enough and I gained some self respect and worth back then I could put boundaries down that meant I never ever put up with it.. I just left the room, plain and simple.
There may be phone meetings that could help you access the program. Have you got the daily readers and the leaflets? This is like learning a new language and you seem ready and to grasp it. Your asking all the right questions, dont waste your willingness, learn this.
I'd just like to share today's victory before I sleep. As you all know I'm struggling with my husband's rude behavior lately because he is also struggling in keeping his promise to himself that he will no longer drink. I'll start my story with a remark he made after we went to church today. He didn't go home after mass, just dropped me by the house with the remark "What an F life, it's so F boring in that house". I paused, breath, didn't say a word and calmly alighted and walked across to our house. I kept on praying for God to help me, guide me and tell me what to do. I found myself writing a plan, made it part of my journal, because I don't know what is going to happen next. So here it is:
Sept 10, 2016
Good and thank you Lord if he comes home in a better mood
Scenario 1: He comes home and still hanging on to his own promise not to drink
Plan A : If he comes home still in a bad mood as he was when we went to church earlier, I have to leave him alone and I need to find other things to do without him nearby.
Plan B: If he follows me around to let me hear his resentments, I have to go to another place in the house.
Plan C: if he will keep on following me to make me hear of his resentments then Ill go near my mothers room (maybe he'll stop out of shame).
Scenario 2: He cannot hold on to his promise and the urge to drink is intense, which means that things will not get any better but could be worse
Step 1: Do not say much and let him do what he wants (probably just smile and say "its your decision, he have talked about it") if he admits that he will go out to have a drink skip Step 2. Go to Step 2 only if he will make up stories or he leaves again without a word.
Step 2: Confirm that he is drinking again but do not confront. Just confirm the truth for myself so I will not regret my next steps.
Step 3: Do not anymore discuss drinking issue. Everything has already been said.
Step 4: I have to execute leaving him by moving out of the house, because my attempt to make him move out has always failed. Discuss it with my mother and a sibling so they will be the one to talk to my husband about my moving out. If husband insists on face to face talk with me, compromise a place, time and mood; but he has to move out first then we talk and work things out while not living together. Make my piece short that I have proven to myself that I cannot live with his drinking, it affects my behavior and my well-being. I cannot make him stop, he has to be the one but then again it is proven that he cannot do it on his own, he needs help. Unless he can be humble enough to really admit that he cannot do it on his own and he needs help, only then can I live back with him.
Thank You Lord, neither did the 2 scenarios happened. Though when he came home he was not really in a good mood at once, so I still had to do some quiet moments there. I didnt say a word about his behavior earlier, just called him to have dinner and I was quiet the whole time. I only spoke and interacted when he started a conversation and thank God we ate dinner and finished washing the dishes in peace, real peace not the fuming silence.
I have to remember to go back to my plan as above, revise if necessary, for similar scenarios can be repeated. And of course praying to God for help and for His guiding hands to be the captain of the ship the whole time.
I agree - great use of the program. Keep working it - looks good on you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
BTW Betty, just to let you know I'm working on the steps in the Step Work Board. Still in Step 1. What I did was copied the questions and is answering them offline. I don't think I can finish it in one sitting, no hurry, I'll finish it in God's time. I'll post it once done, is that the way to do it?
Iamhere, my experience has also been that an A using sarcasm is a deflection to draw attention away from the real issue.
Knowing this has helped me a lot. I can clearly see AH going through his toolbox of A techniques to engage me in anger, a fight etc so neither of us see reality.
He tries different ones to see which I will react too. None! Now I am in my program. None!
I see it for what it is and I do not 'play'.
This leaves time for us both to focus on ourselves which is how it should be. Not me seething in one room and him getting drunk as a skunk in another room following a big fight about nothing!
I too believe no one should be subjected to the things you were describing...no one. Only you can decide if it is worth the effort in this relationship . AlAnon will not tell you to stay or go, but will teach you how to recognize and "fix" your part in unacceptable relationships.
Making plans is a good start, but please remember life rarely goes as planned. You will know if or when enough is enough and will have the strength to deal with what you must in this relationship. I know you have this strength. I can see in your post, however, that you may not yet be ready to make any final decisions either way. That is OK too! Not making a decision is a decision in and of itself. It means I am not yet ready to make the changes I need to make, but I am giving serious thought to my situation.
You will know what to do if you listen to your heart and your HP. If you don't quite know how yet, just try being really quiet for a little while and listen hard for the little voice inside of you. It has your real best interest at heart. You may have to shut out the voice of doubt from inside that is still trying to manipulate your thoughts. You will know the difference because the true inside voice cares very much for you. The other one is self doubt and is not worth the time to listen to because alcoholism preys on self doubt for both the drinker and the ones who care about them.
Time will tell...whether it be a short period of time or a long one. You will know what to do and will be supported here no matter what you choose.
