The material presented
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...which means I'm fighting the snoop-bug hard. Mostly because if he is, then we're over. But I have to know for sure. I feel like I am paralyzed and can't act without knowing.
"if he is, then we're over"
that's what happened to me last night. I learned that my brother took the bottle of liquor from the house, so I went outside to find out if with them and he was. But my brother said he is the only one drinking, but I was already fuming with "if he is, then we're over" in addition to the two days that my husband has been treating me with sarcasm. As I've mentioned in my earlier posts, my husband promised he will not drink again after suffering injury from drunkenness.
I knew that it's me, I've turned into a person with so much hatred, so much anger inside. I wanted to walk away from all this, I wanted to go back to the person I was before I got married to a binge drinker. I wanted my old me back but I felt that if I continue living with my husband that will never happen, so I asked him to leave. I lost all hope that he will ever be the consistently nice person that I wanted to live with. But it seems he will not leave but he continues to be rude to me. I cannot leave because this is my place, this is my home...
I'm sorry for posting this, but I have no one to talk to, I don't want to bother my FOO with my troubles because I know that they are also as helpless as I am and that it is only I who can help myself.
I could have just written this feeling on a piece of paper, but it matters if someone is listening, my mind tells me God knows and is listening but I can't hear His voice, I can't hear Him talking to me
I understand that screaming feeling. All I can think to suggest is that the truth will be revealed when it is supposed to be. In my own case, I spotted bottles hidden behind the computer monitor, and around the side of the couch ... not because I was looking, but just because I happened to walk into the room at a certain angle. The truth came out when I wasn't looking for it.
I too found out by accident when I wasn't looking. I had my suspicions but was trying to work my program. I also understand that screaming feeling.
I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers to you all - this disease is so damaging...but there is hope and help in recovery - breathe and stay present in the now!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Take good care of yourself. If you're going to separate, do you have a plan? How it will look, where you will live (if you're living together now), how the finances will work, and just as importantly, your sources of support for those times when you feel furious, lonely, regretful, or horribly sad? In my case, planning those things out reassured me that I would be okay no matter what happened. Hope you will take good care of yourself.
Welcome Linda to MIP - so glad that you found us and glad that you shared with us. Living with the disease of alcoholism is difficult and painful for most of us. We often become as sick as they are as we try to control, change, cure others affected by this disease. Al-Anon is our recovery program, using the same 12 Steps as AA - only we apply them to ourselves, our thinking and our lives.
It is in recovery that I was able to regain my peace of mind and joy again, even though my qualifiers are not in recovery. Please seek out local meetings for local support and keep coming back here - there is help and hope!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Keep coming back Spidey. the truth may make itself known. Or it may not. There are many times I haven't found bottles when I knew my wife was drinking. And she hides them when she can barely stand, how could she be so good at hiding them from me when she is already drunk!?
Keep coming back here and getting to meetings. Once I had enough meetings, I found that I wasn't so worried about my wife's drinking and being able to prove it so I could have justification in leaving. I found that I was able to build justification on my own, that didn't hang so much on being able to prove unprovable things, but whether I could take living with her anymore, and whether it was good for me and us or not. I am still with her, because I decided to be with her, not because she is or isn't drinking.
I remember this feeling. I would make a grand statement like if you dont stop drinking we are over. The trouble was I wasnt ready to take the action so when it came to it and of course he drank again then I would feel even worse and more trapped. The only way I could make my words match my actions was through my own recovery program. Learning to think differently, recognising my own part in our relationship and making the changes within me to make my life better. Have you tried Alanon? because coming here occasionally when times get tough just doesnt do it, its not recovery, so while hes still in his disease you are still in yours.
I can totally relate as I have had this feeling before. The past few times I have been proven wrong. I have learned to check in with myself to see if there was something else going on to lead me to these assumptions. For me it has been stress and anxiety. I hope he isn't drinking but try and fight the urge to snoop. From what I have heard, if they do relapse it doesn't take long for the drinking to get out of control again and it will become very obvious.
