The material presented
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my first post not sure what's really going on. My adult teenage is in rehab both drugs and alcohol. I have not and will not enable him. His mom does the opposite of me she wants to be his friend and make me look bad. This is just a green light for him to do as he wants even in her house. Does she not care what it's doing to him? Destroying our son to hurt me what kind of woman is she? When you mess up and destroy a marriage and lie to make yourself look good with not a care about the children you destroy it amazes me. The only thing I could tell him was the one who cries the loudest has something to cover up. I will not get into the he said she said battle.
In in my opinion this rehab stint is not real and it's only to have charges dropped. I will not bend I will not enable, I will do what I can to help if he is trying to stay clean and do right. SUGGESTIONS FROM SONEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE?
I was told long ago in the face to face groups of Al-Anon that if I kept coming back some day I would hear my story told by someone else and here you are...some one else with same experiences I've had though I don't know if you are a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups which helped to save my life and sanity. Enabling is a big part of the disease regardless of the justifications the enablers use and most often that included "Love" which it isn't. Its fear of not being liked or accepted if the enabler doesn't do what the alcoholic desires. That is my experience and it is real.
It seems like you have experience with the disease; good for you. You have determination and that is good also. Do you have support from others who have been where we are at and have been. We don't go up against this monster alone with the expectation of coming away sane and whole. (our steps and traditions teach us that). If you are not attending the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups (60+ years old) I would suggest you find the hot line number in the white pages of your local telephone book and call to see where and when we get together in your area and then go as quickly as you can. You are not alone. Maybe she will come to understand also. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Welcome Jim My only suggestion is that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. The hot line number is in the white pages.
Alcoholism is a destructive, progressive, chronic disease over which, as you know, we are powerless. Interacting with the insanity of the disease affects the entire family and so everyone needs a program of recovery. Alanon is that program and it is here I rediscovered healthy tools to live by and stopped reacting to the insanity of the disease.
Please keep coming back here as well. There is hope
Welcome I Love My Son to MIP. Glad that you found us and glad that you shared. I have an Alcoholic Husband (AH) and 2 Sons, both victims of this disease. I was the you and my husband was the enabler. I battled the disease, the diseased and all the chaos/insanity until I could not stand it any longer. I found Al-Anon, and learned a new way to be, a set of tools and have worked hard to restore my sanity.
My oldest went to 5 treatment centers before he 'got it' - OD'd twice and got into trouble with the law. He avoided jail as his charges were as a juvenile. He became a ward of the state because he was out of control and threatening me/his brother.
My youngest also went to 5 treatment centers, and is still active. He's been in the city's homeless shelter, and asked to never return. He's been dismissed/kicked out of 7 sober living homes and has been to jail and prison.
There is nothing I can now or could ever do to change, fix, control, direct, lead, etc. any of the 3 of them. I had to save my own sanity and accept each of them as they are. I had to allow them the natural consequences of their choices. This 'learning' has taken a long time - we've been battling the disease actively and knowingly for 10 + years. I no longer battle any of them over anything. I typically practice the tools I learn and my sons no longer live with me. I did stop enabling and supporting them completely based on boundaries established with a sponsor.
I tried tough love without a program, and it didn't work because of the inconsistencies in style between me and my AH. I remember thinking as you do - and the reality is my AH just did not see things the way I did. And, no amount of proof mattered - they were going to do what they wanted/needed to do and I just had to do the same --- for me.
I encourage you to find some meetings and attend. Keep coming back here - there is help and hope always in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
