The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am experiencing growing pains. I know that I am growing emotionally and mentally and spiritually right now and it hurts so much. It is so tempting to back to not feeling anything. I don't know how to handle emotions other than pain, anger and resentment. I am having trouble breathing a few times a day and I know it is anxiety building. I am trying to deal with it. My husband called me yesterday and said that he had lit a cigarette and he could taste crack in his mouth. He took a drink of coca cola and tasted cocaine. He asked me to talk him through it. I told him it was his body rebelling and wanting the drugs. He stayed positive, but told me he was short tempered at work. He was aware of it and trying to control it. He got home last night and wanted very much to smoke a joint. A neighbor invited him over to smoke one. He looked at me like I was supposed make the decision for him. I told him that he has to start being responsible for his own choices and had to make that decision on his own. I did not offer advice. He chose not to go. He took a bath in the dark and went to bed. I was so proud of him. I experienced the familiar anxiety as to what choice he would make. I got up and took my laptop into the bedroom and watched TV and typed a long letter to my daughter. This morning my husband woke up and went to his treatment therapy group. He did not fuss about going and seemed positive about it. He called me to let me know he made it.
My mother was put into the hospital yesterday. She has had problems from drug use. Her kidneys shut down two years ago. Ever since she has been having seizures. She has some brain damage from loss of oxygen from a series of seizures she had a year and a half ago. Yesterday my dad found her laying on the floor of the bedroom and she was not breathing. HE called 911. The paramedics revived her. THey had to do a series of tests including a spinal tap. She did not where she was and they are worried about the extent of further brain damage. She's a fighter though and I'm sure will be okay.
Today is day four of his being clean. He hsan't been to an NA meeting yet because of his work schedule. Maybe he will go to one this evening, I hope so, but I don't expect him to.
I am dealing honestly with a lot of things in my life and reliving a lot of hurt. It hurts and I feel helpless a lot. For today I will work through the pain and keep going. I want to live and not exsist. I want to be a survivor, not a victim.
Hello, Powerless, This is a powerful post. Getting in touch with our feelings is really a gift of the program, but it sure is hard work. And you are doing it! I can relate to feeling as if I only know how to feel pain. But opening the gate to pain also opens the gate to joy. That has been my experience, and I remember someone else telling me that, a long time ago. Thank you so much for being here. Blessings and prayers, mebjk
What a lot to deal with. I have had a few years of too much to deal with and am so grateful to have enough to deal with each day. When the A acts out of course it is always too much to deal with. I barely talk to the A that is one way I manage my resentment. I barely interact with him and look forward to times when I am alone. I think it is too hard to wait for the shoe to drop. I do not want to socialize with him anymore. I do not want to be put in that warden spot it makes me very angry.
I am sorry that you have so much on your plate. Did you ever think of going to counselling or getting a sponsor. I have added both since I came to these rooms and they help. I stopped looking to the A for validation too and that is helpful because one of my core issues is dependence on him.
