The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is so soaked in alcohol, I doubt we will ever see the real him again. He has PSTD (not military related), anxiety, delusions, paranoia, and of course does all manner of stupid things while drunk. Last week he sent a barrage of crazy/delusional and abusive drunken text messages to everyone that has resulted in him being on the chopping block at his job. This job has provided for his much needed medication, time off to fix his delusions, a therapist, and medical insurance to pay for all the broken ribs, etc. that he has sustained from drunken falls. They were very kind and sympathetic the first time this happened. This would be anyone else's dream, but my idiot has worked hard at throwing it away with both hands. I am so angry I could give him black eyes.
I cannot sleep with him in the bed. He reeks of alcohol, cigarette smoke, and sweat; he snores so loudly I cannot sleep; he gets up in the middle of the night and eats in the bed while dribbling food all over himself, the sheets, and the floor. I got tired of waking up to find a jar of jelly dumped all over the side of the bed so I told him to sleep in the spare room if he is going to eat in bed while drunk. He hasn't been back in our bedroom since. I am sad and hurt that he loves alcohol more than me. I am disgusted by him some days.
I was stupid and became financially dependent upon him and now I am ridden with anxiety attacks, no sleep, tears, worry etc. because we won't be able to pay the bills and once he is off of his medication, no one is going to hire a delusional, paranoid alcoholic. I gave my power away when I gave up my career and stayed home to take care of our elderly parents. I am now struggling to come up with a plan B and beat myself up for being so stupid.
I have been attending A-anon f2f weekly, and it helps, but my AH is just amping up his behavior. It seems the harder I work the program the more drama he creates. All I want is peace and he hunts me down if I try to find it. Today I am at a very low point, I don't feel detached, I feel angry and sad. I want to hurt him as much as all of this BS has hurt me. Trying to let go and let God, but I just feel so much blame, anger and fear.
Breathe, groo....just breathe. Can you get out of the house today? Take your literature, and go to a cafe or library or out in the sunshine if there is any and just be away from him for awhile. For me, I would take pen, paper and start brainstorming some Plan B ideas. Take time for you to find a quiet, calm location to refresh yourself at least for today. Sometimes when I am feeling very close to the edge, I have to remove myself to calm down and get a little needed distance...at least for a little while.
I feel for you Groo - it is very hard to live with the alcohoic and their disease and when you end up with financial burdens due to their drinking it becomes doubly stressful. I know we aren't supposed to "clean up their messes" but when their messes possibly cause us to lose our homes, have our utilities shut off or maybe not even be able to buy food it is very hard to not step in and do something.
I hope you can find some sort of peace and calm in your day today.
You've come to the right place to vent and read other's stories that will help you along your journey.
Thank you both El and Jojo. Had a bit of a cry and pity party and then got up and cleaned the kitchen to change my focus off of him and me. I have to work on the lawn and then maybe I'll go swimming at a friend's house. This panic and anger just keeps coming and going, but I'm good for the moment.
Ooooohhhhhhh, don't think he is going to like it when you change. Of course, he won't. He is going to amp it up and try to make you change back. You were his rock. He could be stupid and know that you were there. Maybe his brain is permanently damaged. Maybe not. Won't know until he gets off the poison. Alanons have a lot of anxiety. Of course they do. Any thinking person would.
Keep on going to as many AlAnon meetings as you can. Let the program seep into you. Absorb it. It will help.
Breathe, pray, hit meetings...if it all crumbles, you will probably just build ot back up without him. It will work out one way or another. He may get worse...BUT, you can and probably will get better. More will be revealed. It is darkest before the dawn.
...I don't feel detached, I feel angry and sad. I want to hurt him as much as all of this BS has hurt me. Trying to let go and let God, but I just feel so much blame, anger and fear.
I can relate to this so much with my estranged A wife. She is acting differently than your A but so hurtful. Wishing you well.
Well I lost it anyways. He hit me with more bad news, (never gives me all the bad news at once), and I went off after hearing the beer can pop. We yelled and then argued, then blamed until exhausted. I implored him to stop drinking and of course it was like talking to a brick wall. So not Al-anon behavior. I don't know why I can't seem to do Al-anon today, I am feeling like an Al-anon failure.
Dearest Groo - you had a weak moment - you are entitled to slip up. Don't punish yourself and don't beat yourself up for it. Everyone has their limits of how much they can take and how long they can be patient before they explode. I think it's better for our own sanity to explode on the outside and get it all out than to keep everything bottled up and explode on the inside. Hopefully you can feel better now and start afresh taking care of YOU and loving YOU for the wonderful person that YOU are.
Groo, you are not a failure of any kind. An alcoholic is too much for most to handle. I've had days it helps little to remind myself my husband, father of my daughter, and man I manage to still love's disease causes him to do such things. Does it help to remember alcoholism is cunning and manipulates them and us? That one always struck me because it was usually happening when I was upset. It helps me to step aside and remember, I don't have to feel this way because of his craziness/choices (I'm in control of me). My favorite saying is "bless them, change me". It makes me laugh aloud sometimes...probably because I use it with more sarcasm than it's meant to have ha. Oh well, it still cracks me up none the less. It's always okay to laugh. I hope you find a reason to laugh today. You sound like you need to and I know you deserve to. (((hugs)))
Groo - so sorry about the chaos/drama brought about by the disease. A person much wiser than I told me many, many times in early recovery that I could start my day over anytime I wanted/needed to. What a relief! We can't change the past, but we can redirect ourselves in the moment.
I no longer believe that we fail. I believe we make mistakes and that's expected as we are all imperfect humans. Be gentle with you and know that it's OK to be human - we all are!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you MaryJane, PinkChip, SavingMyself, Jojo, SunMustShine, and IAmHere! I am going to read these posts over and over until I can cope. Y'all have no idea how much I appreciate the support!!!!
Aloha Groo and sorry you are having a very hard time. I remember times like you are having now and know that I am blessed now to be gone from it...out and away from it. One of the things that helped was to understand and acknowledge that I had two lives...one with and one without the alcoholic/addict in it and I could choose which one I wanted to live in at any one moment. I learned at the same time that I had two "others" I lived with one my child of God wife and the other my mentally, emotionally and physically crippled alcoholic addict. I learned the alternatives of living with either choosing my own personality and I started to get it together. I liked and still do like my "other personality" which is kind and empathetic and compassionate and supportive regardless of all of the opportunities I have to just be asshole and I like the guys who can do that all for me also. I no longer add fuel to the fire which use to result with me self emulating and ending up a pile of smoking ashes.
Our program when worked works as suggested. I get the sense that you know that. It is the only way I know to win. Please keep coming back....Prayers and ((((hugs)))) being sent your way for you and your alcoholic. Truly this is a life threatening disease.
Groo--know that you are not alonein your thoughts or actions. We do our best to practice what we have learned, but we can only take so much crap. At some point, we reach our boiling point and blow up. I have tried leaving the house when I get to that point butwith little money and no where to go (friends don't know about his drinking), I am usually back and camped out in the bedroom for the rest of the day/night. I have before gone to a hotel for a night just to escape nbut I don't want to spend the money and he doesn't know or care if I am there or not. Hopefully you can find a place to go, if only for a few hours of peace, and have some time to regroup and let the anger pass.
This is a great place to vent! I have done it many times. Better to vent on this board than to argue with an A who is just going to lie and make you madder! It makes me very sad that my AH chooses alcohol over me but it is what it is and we just have to hope the good outweighs the bad!
