The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of August - the same week that my husband got a job after 2 years of unemployment, mostly due to his drinking. The binges started once a week and then a few times a week. I tried to do my best to focus on myself and stay calm.
This week he took Monday off, worked Tuesday and then called me on Wednesday to say he quit his job and got something else completely different that he'll start on Tuesday. We got into a fight and he refused to go into couples therapy with me that night. He appeared to be drunk and sat in the car for the hour. He's been drinking ever since. I woke up this morning only to find a glass of vodka by his side - he was starting at 6am - and we had my first prenatal apointment today at 1. He slept until noon and managed to pull it together to sit thru the appointment.
I've been upset and crying for two days and had a massive panic attack this evening where I started hyperventilating and woke him up from his passed out state. We were able to calm me down after about a half hour and he passed out again. I slept on the couch because when he's drunk he snores and sweats out booze that makes me nauseated. He just woke me up at 2am because he wasn't tired anymore and I went into the bedroom. He immediately grabbed his bag that has the bottles of vodka he bought and poured himself a drink and is sitting in our livingroom. I approached him and told him I was not OK with him drinking and am scared and worried about he rest of the weekend. He said to relax everything will be fine.
My anxiety is kicking back up. We're supposed to see my mother on Saturday and I'm worried that if he doesn't drink for a day that he'll have a seizure again or we'll end up making a trip to the hospital. We were planning on telling my mother about the baby this weekend. I wanted to be happy and excited, but now I'm just cooking thru scenarios in my head. 1- he'll be drunk if he goes. 2- he'll drink tomorrow and then be detoxing on Saturday. 3- I ask him not to go and then my mother stresses out about why he's not there, which stresses me out.
Between illness from the pregnancy and his drinking and waking me up, I haven't had a solid night's sleep in a week. I'm exhausted, tired of all of this, and scared about the future.
I guess I need to just come to terms with bring alone in this pregnancy and I need to figure out what to do to protect myself. I don't know what that is and it terrifies me.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Im sorry this is happening. It sounds like the insanity and chaos that is part of this disease of alcoholism. All of this is not your fault nor is it yours to clean up and fix up. Your job is to look after you and your baby. His drinking is his to deal with or hide or pretend its not happening for whatever reason that again is his. If you can try really hard to think of you and what you need to do for your own peace of mind and your own health. The best thing you could do is go to an Alanon meeting, talk to people who have walked your shoes, get support. Learn to see whats really going on with your family. As for your Mother, pretending that all this is not happening to you is lying, try being honest and she may be a source of support if she knew whats going on.
For starters I feel awful for you.....my thoughts and prayers are with you and your unborn child. Secondly don't lie to your mother....just tell her straight up what is going on.....to lie enables your husband to continue with his behavior.....you are going to need your family during this time more than ever. Hopefully you are close to your family and they can assist you during this tough time. Hugs and love to you.
((SDB)) I am happy that you are expecting and pray that your little family will thrive.
Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic , progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. We are powerless over this disease, and as the result of living with the insanity, we too develop many negative coping tools that hurt us and from which we need to recover.
The recovery program for family members is Alanon and the hot line for face to face meeting schedule can be found in the white pages.It is here that I learned to accept this disease and developed new constructive tools to live by
Please attend and keep coming back-- You are not alone.
(((SDB))) - so sorry for what is worrying you right now - but congratulate you on your baby. I'm with Betty - the disease is powerful and progressive and I suggest you seek support and recovery from local Al-Anon meetings. My hope is that you feel better just writing out your anxiety causing situation and maybe you can just for the moment focus on you, your needs and staying present.
I understand how stressful it can be to anticipate a meet-up with your mother. It took me a while to realize that my self-esteem and self-worth were very dependent upon how others (parents) viewed me. We learn in Al-Anon the three C(s) - We didn't cause this, we can't control this and we can't cure this. So - just for today, focus on what's good vs. what's stressful. Be gentle with you and know that there is help and hope.
Worry about the meet-up with your mother tomorrow, if at all. You can choose to go alone, go with him or postpone. Worrying today about tomorrow was very anxiety-producing for me. I also tended to project the worse case scenario as a result of living with this disease. We don't offer advice in Al-Anon, but I would suggest careful consideration before disclosing your husband's story to others. This did not work well in my scenario, as most who aren't living with the disease don't understand, and were quick to judge which caused me even more stress.
Recovery is a personal journey and your steps to serenity will be different than others. There is no perfect path for living with this disease nor one size fits all solution. I will suggest continued reading around here for like stories and researching more about the program. Know that you are not alone and come back often/any time!!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think this is a great site for venting and getting feedback. It is nice to hear that we are not alone in this battle. I hate to think that people are going thru the same crap that I am but it also makes me feel better not to be alone in this. I am so sorry that you are going thru what you are and doing it pregnant. My AH is also a binge type A who often goes weeks being drunk. He loses jobs and now we have our own business and it is a miracle we are still in business.
I pray that you can someone Let Go and Let God so that you can take care of yourself and your baby. It is much easier said than done....we all know that.
Thanks for all the messages. I've been doing Al Anon meetings since January. Although this last month I've been absent because I've been so exhausted when I get home from work. Time to get back to it.
Today was a repeat of the last few. We'd talk about stuff, he'd say he was done and next thing he'd have a drink in his hand. We got into it, which wasn't ideal, but I'm so exhausted, scared and angry, it happened. He said he wanted me gone, so I packed a bag, called my mom and asked her if I could go down to her place early. I was 40 minutes out when he texted me, "I'm lost." He had walked out when I was pulling my bag together and has a history of seizures and hallucinations related to alcholism. I tried calling and texting with no answer, so I pulled off the highway and turned around. My mind went to the 3 hospitalizations he had and as I drove back home I kept thinking a hospital was going to call me. I got home and he was passed out in a chair.
Instead of driving to my mom's (1 1/2 hours), I decided to stay at my apartment for the night since he's passed out. I'm hoping I get some sleep.
My mother knows what's going on. She was with me for his first ER hospitalization of 3 1/2 weeks. I've told his best friend he's on a bender in hopes that hearing from someone other than me, might make him pause for a second to think about things.
I hope he'll be able to make it to his new job on Tuesday, but at the rate he's going, I think he'll probably detox or be sick. It was nice having some income for a month.
SDB - sending your prayers for good rest tonight. I remember being grateful when they were 'done' for the day/night. It felt like a break from the insanity/chaos. Know that we're here for you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
We went to my mother's and had a good time. The last two days seemed to be getting things back on track. We even had a good conversation last night about how scary it can be when he drinks like that. He even had me pour out the two gallons of vodka he bought on Friday.
I went to bed and woke up at 4am to him drinking and staying up the whole night. I guess he went out and bought more in the afternoon when he went for a walk. I found his bottles hidden in our living room a few minutes before we were suposed to leave to have lunch with his best friend. We got into a little fight and still went.
When we got home, he went out to go for a walk (aka score more vodka.) I went to the grocery store and when I got back I could tell he'd been drinking. I told him he was on his own for dinner and that I didn't want to be around him. He's passed out now and it's 6:45 at night. I guess I'll see if he actually wakes up for his new job tomorrow at 5am. I'm sleeping on the couch again tonight. I'm so exhausted from this whole thing. I had Thursday and Friday off and was hoping to have a relaxing long weekend. Instead it turned into drama and being upset and panic and fear. I'm actually welcoming going back to work because it will be less stressful than being home.
He said he's at a low point because his new job is catering. But he was the one who chose to quit a different job and take a catering gig. He's at this point in his life because he chose not to finish college. He chose to not look for work for 2 years. He chose to leave a job where they said they wanted to stay for a long time. He chose to leave therapy and to leave AA. His answer is to drink to oblivion because he doesn't want to deal with the life he created for himself.
I'm so frustrated and exhausted and fed up with the whole situation. I need a partner who will be supportive during this pregnancy. He's absent and checked out. My whole body is tired and sore and achy and my soul is worn. I'm suffering.
(((SDB))) - I hear you too and am also sending you positive thoughts and prayers. Know that we're here for you as we can be.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Ugh...I woke up yesterday at 4am to him drinking and essentially drunk on what was supposed to be the first day of his new job. He said he wasn't going in and was going to do whatever he wanted and that he wanted to die. We got into an argument and after him repeatedly saying that he wanted to drive a knife into his chest and die. I called a suicide prevention hotline. They gave me the number of some resources around where we live and I started making calls.
I found a program that actually sends clinicians to your home during crises to do an evaluation and make recommendations. At first he refused to do it, but later on in the morning he agreed and we scheduled a consult. After a two-hour meeting with the clinician, they suggested "enhanced acute treatment services," which is basically a more intense detox program where they'll develop an aftercare program. He seems to be about 60% on board with doing it, but wouldn't agree to it last night. He said he wants "one more day to think about it." It's only a week, so I don't know how effective it will be since his detoxes have historically taken about a week. But something at this point is better than nothing.
I've scheduled an appointment with my therapist to see her today. Boy how a week changes things. Literally last week I was telling her how great everything was going and how stable we were. In a matter of a week everything has come falling down. I had taken last Thursday - Monday off as vacation time and my plan was to relax and rejuvenate, instead it was a week of chaos, sadness, anger and pain. I'm actually glad to be back at work right now.
I'm expecting to come home to him passed out somewhere in the house. I have little faith right now that things can change. It just seems that alcohol and alcoholism have such a tight grip on him and he's not willing to admit there's a problem or that he doesn't want to live this way anymore.
I need to figure out what is going to be best for me and the child I'm carrying. I guess that will be the conversation that I have with my therapist today. Please keep me in your thoughts...
((((Shannon)))) I know how worn out you feel and how crazy it seems and this is part of the proof of the insanity of alcoholism. I hope you can practice letting go and letting God and saying "No" when "No" is appropriate so that you and your mind, body, spirit and emotions can rest. You didn't cause this, you cannot control it and you will not cure it...those are the 3Cs of our program of recovery and they helped me to reach and stay in perspective when the disease was raging in my own life. Find face to face Al-Anon meetings to attend so you can see and hear what it is that we practice and keep coming back to the MIP Family for support. ((((hugs))))
(((SDB))) - so happy to hear you're back at work 'resting'....it sounds crazy but I can relate to that. I am also happy to see you're practicing self-care and set an appointment for yourself. I too am sending you positive thoughts and prayers. We are here for you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So he texted me while I was at work and said that he would do rehab. That's welcome news and I can only hope that he feels the same way when I get home tonight and he can begin to work on his recovery. Fingers crossed.
My therapy appointment also went well and it was good to talk through ways for me to keep my sanity and to remain calm during all this turmoil.
It looks to me as an outsider looking in that today was a decent day for you and your self-care. I too am sending you positive thoughts and prayers. (((Hugs))) too!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I got home from work last night and he was passed out drunk in his chair. He was upset and angry and started yelling about how he spent 5 hours calling rehabs and they all said that he'd have to do detox before going to rehab. His detoxes in the past have been very painful and quite long -- the shortest was 7 days (on average they go 3-7 days) and it's taken him an additional 2-3 days before he feels out of the haze from the Ativan and Librium they use during detox. I said that I understand he's frustrated and scared about doing detox again, but explained that in the past when he's tried to detox on his own, it has resulted in seizures, days of vomiting and hallucinations to the point that he didn't know who I was, who he was and he was having conversations with imaginary people. I told him I was worried about what might happen if he tries to detox on his own and that I was worried about my own safety if he tried to do it on his own. He's not normally a violent person, however when he's in the throes of DTs he's threatened to hit me and once threw a chair at me when we were in the ER. He continued to yell at me and I explained that I had been at work all day and I understand that he is frustrated but I didn't deserve to be yelled at. I also explained that my therapist had said that for client's and the rehab's safety they require people to be medically cleared which essentially means detoxed because they might not have the staff or facilities to help someone if they have a seizure, heart attack or other symptoms of detox that can happen with alcohol.
I pretty much separated myself from him for a good portion of the night because I started to not feel well and get very depressed about the whole situation. We talked a bit later at night before I went to bed about what I need. I told him I need rest, I need to take care of myself and right now the way things are going that I didn't know if being in the house with him was the best situation for my mental and physical health.
In the middle of the night he sent me a text saying that he missed me and when I saw it at 5am this morning I responded with, "I'm scared." He came into the bedroom and said that he surrenders and will do detox and rehab. He said he was up all night thinking about it and looking on the internet and he understands that although detox is painful and scary and makes him really loopy, that he'll do it. I told him we could let the detox program know when he goes in that he also wants to do rehab -- in the past he's only been willing to do detox and no aftercare -- and that might help get things going. He went to bed and I started doing some work from home, so I could get what I needed to accomplish done early so we could start the process.
I'm hopeful that he'll go, so wish me luck that they'll be able to find him a bed somewhere soon.
Sending prayers and positive thoughts from my world. Breathe, breathe and breathe more - it can be frustrating as all get out finding a bed when one is ready....
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
SDB sending you many prayers and positive thoughts. What a scary situation for you and your AH but I am glad to hear that he is willing to go. I hope he sticks to it and you have a more peaceful pregnancy.
So they came and did the assessment and he said he wasn't ready to go. He's back to he's fine and won't need detox and doesn't need anything. I guess physically he felt better, so in his mind everything's OK now.
I'm frustrated beyond belief. He seems sincere, but he always does when he says things will change and then the first chance he has he buys booze and gets hammered.
I guess it's time to think through my options and what I need to stay healthy. I can't go much longer floating the both of us financially. It's been me bringing in income for the last 2 1/2 years. Perhaps I start to lay out what separation might look like to me. Or to start looking at other places to live. I'm not going to expect that he'll follow through with anything he's promised because he usually doesn't. Maybe not getting my hopes up will help keep me from feeling destroyed every time he doesn't do what he says he will. I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up that the life we've always talked about wanting will actually happen.
I'm feeling pretty low right now.
So sorry for the outcome SDB. I totally understand that you are low right now. I do encourage you to read back through what you wrote. You do see yourself able to plan and do even if it's different than you wanted/hoped for. There is nothing wrong with planning what is best for you and your health. Be gentle with you and remember the 3 Cs - we didn't cause this, we can't cure this and we can't control this.
You are not alone - keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sorry to hear the latest SDB! I know how it is tp gets your hopes up every time he promises something and then get them dashed when he doesn't follow through.
you need to do what is best for you and your baby and that may be Plan B. It may be the exact opposite you thought your life would be.
I'm praying for you SDB. My heart hurts when I read everything that you are going through. Alcoholism sucks everyone in and makes our lives miserable. I hope somehow, someway you can find some peace and comfort and a serene place to take yourself too mentally and emotionally.
So he's at day 4 of no drinking and I think all of the withdrawal symptoms have ceased and he's in the clear. He's basically told me that all of the talk of rehab and detox was just to shut me up and that he never intended to actually go.
We had an OK talk about stuff, but it's clear he's still in denial that his drinking played any role in his quitting the job he had and not going into to the new job he secured. He also won't admit that it's really playing any role. So I need to understand that's where he is. It's not where I'd like him to be and it still seems that after 4 hospitalizations in the last year due to drinking, as well as chronic unemployment over the last 8 years, he still refuses to see the correlation or to even possibly connect all that to his drinking. I feel like he's hit rock bottom, but he refuses to see it. It seems like he doesn't necessarily want to be in recovery.
To me that means I can't really depend on him -- to provide financially, to emotionally be supportive, or to be responsible. I don't know if I can expect him to be a father to our child. Those were two really hard lines to write.
I guess for now I'm just going to try avoiding him and detaching to keep my sanity. Any tips on detachment when you're living with someone would be greatly appreciated.
It sounds like you are accepting things for what they are and are stepping away from the whole denial within yourself which says everything will be good as soon as he stops drinking. The best thing I could suggest is go to a face to face alanon meeting near you. They are on the alanon website. This is where you get the tools. This forum is good for certain aspects but it doesnt take away your isolation or provide you with the structure and the people needed for support.
SDB - there is a search function up to the top and there have been some good shares regarding detaching. I know that in the beginning, my best way to detach was to keep my mouth shut and just physically leave when I felt compelled to react vs. respond. When I began recovery, and was told to put me first one day at a time, I would literally wake up and then consider what I wanted and/or needed to get done that day. I added me things - walk, gym, whatever it may be - and added program literature to help keep me focused.
Like all behaviors we desire to change, it's a process. Meetings would truly help you better understand and practice all the suggestions in Al-Anon!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I've been attending face to face meetings since January. They're helpful but since their isn't cross talk, I can't really ask how did you do x?
I came home tonight and he was drunk again. I told him tomorrow I want him out of the house. I can't continue to live with this insanity. I took his house keys off of his key chain and he can leave tomorrow. I need time by myself where I can rest and get sleep and try to relax and I can't do that with him around right now.
SDB.. that is why I left too. The insanity :(
I had to make that choice and it hurts but yet it is better to come home (that is why you need your own space now for sure) and not deal with his drinking and mumbling and then turning mean. He is supposedly going to AA, which I hope, but I know he has a long road ahead (and he is a binge drinker, not even daily like alot of abf or ah on this board) and I am not sure I want to be along for that ride. :( I want to work on me and why I allow angry and insecure men into my life.
I think you have done a lot in trying to help him and now its your turn to help yourself. Thats what I am learning so far.
