The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm coming to the realization that I have smothered my authentic self and don't know myself all that well, and now I want the real me to come blooming out. I am feeling very energized and excited about really knowing myself and starting to express my likes and dislikes, my preferences, and what I care about and putting it all out there. I grew up with two alcoholic parents and often would express interest in activities or things that I didn't care about at all just to please them (or try to please them). I have had lots of relationships (friends and partners) with alcoholics and have claimed to hold opinions that weren't my own, just to make them happy. I've craved validation from these people so much that I tried to turn myself into someone that they would love. I did this so much with my most-recent ex -- and I often felt just tiny -- I felt like someone had shrunk me into a little figurine and I was just squeaking out what I thought he wanted to hear; it felt terrible, and I think I was doing it out of desperation to keep him and make him like me. He didn't do this to me -- I totally did this to myself. Argh! So as I am making this journey into self-discovery and maturity, I am trying to be open to new things and just see what I like and what I don't like and not to take on other people's opinions. And I want to notice it if I start to parrot someone else's (usually dismissive) opinion about something that I don't really know anything about. I met with my new sponsor tonight (thank you, HP!!) and she said she likes hockey. I heard the voices of people whom I've tried to please in the past sneering about sports, and I considered those opinions and also realized I have no opinion about hockey of my own; I've never been to a game, I don't know a thing about it. So I asked if I could go with her sometime to watch a game. I'd like to come to my own conclusion about whether I like it or not. I am so proud of myself for doing this (yay, says inner cheerleader!). I'm doing lots of new things and working on dismissing expectations and having an open mind to these new experiences. I know that this is crucial for my recovery and I'm so happy to be giving myself the kind of concern and attention that I've focused on other people for such a long time. I deserve it!
I'm VERY PROUD OF YOU e i m!!!! It's so nice to feel and finally know that you are in control of your own happiness and decisions and not just doing things to please may of made them very happy but wasn't allowing you to be happy or true to your self and who you are! GREAT JOB!
Hey E - so glad that you met with your sponsor and are willing to do/try new things! Keeping an open mind will allow you to go far. I fully get what you are saying about a figurine. When I started Al-Anon, and was told to keep the focus on me and not the qualifier(s), I felt numb. It had been so long since I actually hung out alone and just considered what I want/need/like/dislike. I had been doing for others and trying to keep the peace for so, so long - it was baffling.
My sponsor equated the 'newness' to 'growing up in public' - and that has been a great definition for me. I played softball already but became willing to play different positions. My sponsor golfs and I've resented golf for a long while (AH is an avid golfer) but gave it a try and....I stink bad, but keep going/trying.
It's been a great journey to try new things because I can/want to instead of feeling I should/have to! Keep doing you - you wear it well!
I've never been to a hockey game - would love to hear what you think!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
