The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just curious - how long does it take for the alcohol and effects from it to leave an alcoholics brain and their true personality is finally revealed? I read two years somewhere but don't know if that's true.
The answer is it's different for each person. There are statistics available if you search, but they are averages. Most never fully recover to a previous state but rather, just as we recover, work to be a better version in recovery than before.
An alcoholic brain will often still crave the substance and the behaviors that align with the disease. Just depends on the person, the disease, the substance(s) and the effort.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Wow, it is hard to think about what a "true personality" even is. I have never been addicted to anything, no, not even chocolate, but I do know that my personality has changed as I have gone through life.
My AH quit drinking in 2000 and I kept waiting for the personality that he had when we married (in 1971). Well, it never has come back. Come to think of it, I'm different too. The real question is, "Do you like them just as they are?- today?"
I truly don't think that he craves the whiskey anymore, but I think his fear of cancer (3 times) is more at the heart of that.
Maryjane thank you for your post! I have been away for while from this forum but have been asking myself a similar question, What do I do now that he is sober and I don't really like "this" person. He has tried so hard going to therapy, aa and so forth. Here is the thing he is grumpy, short tempered, usually negative about everything and complains constantly as if it is just conversation. I told the couple therapist that I just can't stand the negative stuff and he told me it wasn't directed toward me and I should just ignore it but it is there all the time. First I'll get an email about the complaint, then a visit to rehash the complaint and then on and on. He knows how I feel. It seems so much like a cycle too he'll get better for a day or two and then back at it again. He's sober but man is it hard to forgive, react or whatever all the time..it is such a selfish thing they do...no thought or regard of how it affects me or his step daughter. He vents and complains so much- how do u ignore it. How can I find the strength to be honest with them when u know it will cause a problem u r not sure u can deal with? I feel stuck a lot :).
Helpangel - when I read your post a quote instantly came to my mind "Divorce yourself from negative toxins" - it was a quote I learned when I was a realtor and people would try to bring you down or state that there is no way you can get that done....blah, blah, blah.....I love that quote and have tried to apply it to my life whenever possible. My husband is a recovering alcoholic with over 30 year sobriety but my God he is one of the most negative people I know and his negativity and bitching about everything everyday can really bring me down and cause an unhappy living environment. I have told him, and so have his parents, to quit being so damn negative. I often just say to him when he is on a rant that "it's done, it's over with, quit bitching about it and move on!" At that point he usually shuts up because he knows i am at my wits end and have heard enough! I hope things get better for you soon because living with a negative person can be as much pure hell as living with an active alcoholic.
Thank you for posting this Helpangel - your question and the replies have helped me a lot today.
My husband stopped drinking three years ago and I did notice his awareness of his surroundings and his tolerance of other people's needs getting better around the two year mark.
I am not sure if either of us will return to where we were before alcoholism came into our life - I think that it might just be about how we grow from here.
Maryjane's question leads me to ask other questions such as 'can I accept my husband as my husband as he is today?' 'What are my boundaries today?'
For me it is important to bring positive people into my life to counteract the negative effects of other folks anxiety and depression. Some people are depressives, and they are still absolutely ok as people, but I just can not spend too much time in their world. I know that when I find my mind reacting and getting caught up with their thinking I have to step away and do something else for a while.
It's funny but I find it so weird now that we have been going to therapy and he is sober how he just forgot the way he was and sometimes how he is now. My daughter had an injury at school and I asked him if he could help and instantly regretted it. It hurts me when he makes this face of disappointment when u know he doesn't want to do something (the therapist would say to ignore this). He wanted to go to the school and wait there for me to go home and get the crutches.. I made a suggestion of why don't we both go home (we r right down the road from the school l) I was thinking maybe he could help me... I ended up getting the crutches putting the dogs in the basement and getting toys and a blanket for her so she would be comfortable at the doctors. He changed his clothes and, I told him that I don't know why he got mad by my suggestion. He said I never go along with his suggestions. I feel like I am condemned a lot for talking or having an opinion. He plays the victim or wants praise a lot when he does something. To me he is defensive, self centered and wants to be apart of things on his terms or he flips it and says the same thing about me. I am so tired of trying to figure out who is what or what is what. Like this weekend when he went to his parents because my daughter wanted a Harry Potter birthday. He said it was about witchcraft and not Godly. I was crushed that he wasn't here, that he wouldn't be there to help me. It was about her but his weird way of thinking didn't see that or that I set up everything and cleaned it up before he came back. I mean really?? The therapist would say to respect his opinion.. But all I know is I get abandoned and have to dea with a lot he doesn't like. I realized That I was glad he wasn't there because he would have been negative and opinionated anyway. I feel manipulated a lot but then when we talk to therapist they don't say he is doing it and talk to him to stop - i just know I'm healthier when he's not here but I have extreme depression and anxiety when he left in the past. He is sober and there is nothing to blame.... Nothing to fix... Before he was sober I had hope now I am just...?????
