The material presented
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level.
I read the post on this message board and see so much lost Hope. Hope that is now wrapped tightly in disappointment, anger, fear, saddness, confusion and conflict. Both Internally and externally. I can see it simply because I have been subjected to it also. I know what it feels like inside, and I know what it looks like outside.
Yes, I am a recovering alcoholic, yes I have been sober for a very long time now... 16 years. However, in 1996, 10 years ago I entered Al-Anon. I was sober, but I wasn't sane, I had two crazy-makers in my life at the time... a female prescription drug addict I loved and cared a great deal about who had relapsed, and myself....
My AA sponsor told me that I needed to get to Al-Anon meetings. At first I wasn't too happy about it, I'm going to both AA and Al-Anon and she isn't even trying to go to any! My life was still being controlled and detected by alcohol and drugs, and they weren't even mine any more!
But I came to Al-Anon and I stayed plugged into Al-Anon, and slowly but surely something started to happen. I stopped spending so much time and energy in losing hope, and started to gain Hope for myself.
Al-Anon taught me that I had to give up helping in ways that didn't work for either of us, but should never stop Hoping for either of us. That Hope based in love was all I had left to offer to myself or anyone else.
Step Two opened the door to the possibility that I might be able to get restored to sanity. Wow, now that was something new to Hope for! My Hope for the previous few years was always directed at someone or something else, besides myself. I had gotten completely lost in the mix of things. I didn't know what to feel or when to feel it. I rarely made final decisions, because I was always second guessing the previous decision I had made. I moved between being an emotional block of ice, to being on the verge of tears so often that I didn't trust myself to respond to situations appropriately any longer, because I didn't know what was going to come out of me any more. And of course while using the A in my life as a barometer of what was the right or wrong response, I was wrong far more often than I was right. So, I started to climb inside... deep inside myself where I couldn't be touched, felt, heard, or hurt. An extrovert, turned introvert is much like being in a very dark round room, groping around in the dark looking for a corner to hide in. When I was introduced to you before or after an Al-Anon meeting, I would shake your hand while looking at your shoes. Later on, in order to know if we had ever met or what your name was I would have to look at your shoes again to identify who you were. God forbid you fine people bought new shoes, I wouldn't have known any of you!
I didn't want to share the pain that was in me, I just wanted help being able to hide it better, or learn how to live with it better. I knew that if you looked in my eyes, you would see the pain within, the sense of defeat, the anger, all the fear, hurt, guilt and shame. I knew you would be able to look into the core of my being and see my emptiness. I had stopped sharing me with anyone. When the tears would flow, I would pray..."Dear God, please make this red light turn green so the people in the car pulling up next to me won't see me like this"....I would retreat into a bathroom, and cover my face with a towel so the sobs could not be heard by the outside world.... I would be in a meeting and someone would share something that reached inside me and pulled at my heart strings and instead of allowing the tears to roll with them and for myself, I would shut down, shut out, go away... to that dark place deep inside.
Then one day I was sitting next to elder lady in an Al-Anon meeting. Someone was sharing a truly painful story, crying their heart out, and the lump in my throat started to grow, and the tears sat right at the edge of my eye lids. I started to get up from my chair and leave the meeting. This lady gripped my arm and pulled me in for a gentle, warm, caring hug, and whispered... "John, its alright to cry today... you can do it on my shoulder and I won't tell a soul." I tried to respond that I was "okay" but my voice cracked so bad that it was not possible to get off my lips. I suddenly embraced this elderly woman, who I knew only from her old fashioned high heels, and sobbed uncontrollably for the first time in many, many years. She didn't have to tell a soul, when I cry like that you can hear me 3 blocks away!
After the meeting she came up to me and said "that was HOPE". I give her my best "huh?" look and she continued. "When we can Help Ourselves (or Others) Purge the Emptiness this program is working for both of us. There is HOPE.
I may have gotten sober in AA, but I grew up in Al-Anon. No, the relationship didn't work out, but I did... and today from what information I have, the A that was in my life at that time has been clean and sober for the past 3 years.
I never had to give up HOPE... I just needed to direct the HELP towards ME.
When I first got sober, I use to go through this dwi check point over and over til a cop asked me why I kept coming through there, and I was able to reply..."Because I can" with a big smile on my face.
Now when someone ask me why am I looking so intensely into their eyes, I simply smile today and say... "Because I can".
Yours In the Spirit of Recovery,
John
"Tears are only the rinse water from a Heart, Mind and Soul gettin' a much needed washin'"
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
i really needed to hear that. i was at a meeting last week, where when i started to share, the tears started flowing. i didn't even know why i was crying, but i guess it was just building up there. i was embarresed and scared during and afterwards a bit too, but i found a lot of warmth from those around me who gave me hugs and told me to keep coming. i told them, i've been coming for 2 years! why am i still crying! sometimes we don't know why, but i know one thing, i was able to share my vulnerability that day and maybe it helped someone in that room of oldtimers to open up too in some way!
Thank you so much ((((((john)))))))) for your es&h. The part when you said quote" "I didn't want to share the pain that was in me, I just wanted help being able to hide it better or learn to live with it better" is what I think Im doing now but didn't know it till you shared about it Thanks. Hope is a wonderful thing. Thanks also for shariing about when you stayed plugged into alanon that slowly but surely something started to happen. That is how I feel about the program. I can see some changes in me and my life now. Slowly . I have to remember that I need to be patient with myself . Baby steps in progress are good enough for me even crawling forward is better than falling back. I can't see what kinda shoes you have on so I'll just say "love ya" to the man named John. thanks for sharing. Beth
I was so touched by your share. I am fairly new to Alanon (7 months and counting!), and I see alot of me now in the you who first arrived at Alanon. What I appreciated about your share is how much hope you gave me for my own recovery. It gives me much hope to see how recovery might me possible for ME. "But I came to Al-Anon and I stayed plugged into Al-Anon, and slowly but surely something started to happen. I stopped spending so much time and energy in losing hope, and started to gain Hope for myself." So true! I'm learning slowly to look at myself and to look at and feel my own pain of having grown up in an Alcoholic home. How wonderful to do this in a fellowship of people who truly understand what it is like to live with and love Alcoholics.
I was so touched by your post. I feel so very much like I have lost hope. I think somewhere along the way I was taught that my expectations were letting me down and I thought that meant that I couldn't have hope either. I don't want anyone to see my pain. I don't know how to express the grief, pain and hopelessness I feel. I can tell from your post that you understand my feeling even though we have never met. Thank you for sharing part pf yourself. As I sit here with tears in my eyes adn my throat closed up, the wall around my heart now has a little crack in it. Maybe one day I will feel well enough to knock it completely.
John that was a very heartfelt post. Thankyou so much for sharing a little of yourself with us and we are all eternally grateful for everything you and everyone else does to keep the MIP board going. Luv Leo xx
John: I have been working many many years in therapy on my childhood issues which include a lot of abuse. No one really told me how to live my life, have boundaries, be present, take care of myself, get along with others, be responsible for me rather than responsible for everyone but me.
I still work on purging the emptiness left by my childhood abuse. I am up to my adolescence now. I am working on lots of issues like reactivity and more. In other programs I never really let anyone know me. I put on a great show, never got a sponsor (really) and never felt that I needed to do the work. I think I was so afraid of the despair and emptiness. Now I can disclose about the loneliness, despair and sense of being apart from. I feel cared for here in ways I never allowed myself to be cared for before. I feel that I can give and receive love without feeling like I am totally drained and I have no need to become the "expert".
Thank you so much for your share of depth, persistence and compassion for others.
Thank you for the ESHope! And thank you for all you do here that allows us to share with others. I'm here every day and always hear something that I needed to hear, and your post is one I will continue to re-read because it's chocked full of hope.
John - as they tell me at my open AA meetings, "it's always nice to here from the "other side". And with your experience on both sides of the fence you are invaluable!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Okay you got me with that. I'm bawling my eyes out! My new bifocals are clouding up. Thank you again as always! I need to remember to have a box of kleenex next to me when I read your posts.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks for sharing that post...I have so much hope and never give up with this alcoholic in my life...I have hope for me that I have gotten stronger and learned to express myself along with setting boundaries. Take care
Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope John. I knew I had hope when I could look others in the eye, something I'd never been able to do until Al-anon.
(((John))) Thanks for posting... this is only about the third/4th time I've heard u share anything. A lot of what you went through as a boy, reminded me of how my g/ma treated her children.
I have been so without hope, joy & so very able to experience my pain, there was NO hiding it. After a suicide attempt at 15, I decided to let my feeling bubble out naturally whenever they occurred that moment, no matter where I am.
I confront, release, do my best to act in an acceptable way when expressing myself... often tears freak others out, as either they are so shut down & cannot cry or do feel shame for how they feel. Pain is pain, no, I have no shame... I have made a 'point' of nopt lying since I got caught in a few fibs in 2nd grade (I was 7) and vowed to myself to be honest. This included being emotionally expressive in my book.
I never cared if my tears made other's uncomfortable, that is there problem & I have cried so many times hysterically, hyperventialating, like a huge anxiety attack or a mini-nervous breakdown but I rather get them out. I'm sick of the rage & literally it was making me sick ~ it made me deeply depressed, hopleless & having suicidal tendencies/ideations.
It amazes me how different we all are as Al-Anoner's. I felt love for others but none for myself, some ppl don't understand how this is possible. I guess it was that last drop of martyrdom that made me *perceive* I had no love for me, I dunno. But along with all of the negative self-talks & the enabling behaviors we get 'programmed' with as children, it makes for a horrible combination of doom & despair.
I used to wish I could go numb with drugs/alcohol but alas, my feelings were there & came out & HP still was nudging me in the 'road less traveled' seeking truth & still having this spiritual experience I've has since I was a baby. I never lost God, I just allowed my mind to scream louder, to believe I was worthless since I couldn't help anyone (so it seemed) thus causing me more guilt.
The acronym HOPE, I just love it! It is def what I need, to (heal/help, ourelves/others, PURGE, emptiness). I WAS empty. Full of only what I was "supposed to's" from other's, never being given time to develop my own mind, being pressured all the time.
I just want to be... to be free... as a teen, I'd fight w/ my mother & tell her, "I AM a human being, not a human doing!" she hated to hear that but I hated her chaotic pace.
So I created my own version of chaos... books, art projects everywhere... always creating soemthing.
Just wanted to say ~ TFS ~ it is very understandable why ppl become alcoholics/addicts to me... there IS so much pain - just look at the news!
But you are right, there is a lot of anger & pain on this Board & for those of us that love A's. I think we are far more sick than they are, as we have a love sickness that becomes displaced, onto fixing/helping our loved one & losing sight of ourselves all together.
This year I picked up some books for alanon & self-help. One is cd Daily Affirmations for ACOA's ~ since I had my one yr anniversary of being "saved" literally again & by my own hand, I turned to see what 3-18 said... it is called DESTINY & says as it's title: I am destined to experience happiness & joy.
Well, that is God, not irony or a coicidence, since I don't believe in 'happy accidents' anyway, everything happens for a reason. Since I DID wake up, after 12 hrs, to 'purge' myself of all the pills I took... I noticed after 20+ yrs of feeling hopeless & wanting to escape this reality of pain ~ God did take it away from me & the thoughts have long disappeared, I do wake up saying "hi" & "TY" to God & often with a smile on my face ~ completely different from how I used to be for so long.
Learning about my step-father's deep problems & how far his progression into this love destroying, slow soul/mind slaughter of a disease we all suffer from... helped me to feel free, immediately.
It instantly allowed me to focus on *me* again & not the sick family I come from.
So John, I say thanks for giving us a place to be understood & Namaste, which means I honor that truth of spirit where you are coming from & that you can see in me or we reflect that spirit of truth to each other (it means something like that!)
lots of love, -Kitty (of a thousand names)
p.s. I often sob freely in the car, I just drive one-handed, covering my face! And wailing hysterically, sounds of pain & agony that come out of me... well I did hold it in, and I didn't know where or why I was experiencing it.
Tears are the river oflife, shed in utter joy, pain, frustration, as well as anger & fear.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Blessings and MUCH LOVE to You~
~ Thank You for sharing with all of us!