The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so grateful for my plan B! My own apartment. I have not moved furniture in it but I know its there and can escape to it any time. I feel detached from my ABF. He has been sober now for 5 days and is doing a lot of sleeping and just watching TV. Not my problem. Yesterday, I bought myself pots and pans for the apartment and today, I paid the rent for next month. I have given up totally on the abf getting sober. He has not made an effort to reach out for help. I am reading on line here and its helping me a lot. I have my plan that if he starts to drink, which is morning, and for days on end (just finished a 10 day binge and I was not around. I left for 5 days), I will escape to my apartment. I have things all ready to go now and all I have to do is grab them and go! No more having to tolerate his drunkin garbage! I feel so different now, I feel I am no longer trapped and unable to escape the madness. I have hope at last. He is not pleased with me having an apartment of my own, but I have had enough. I can not live in insanity anymore. I am staying at the house with him now, as I have title on it, but I am not helping out in any way than needed. I am taking things a minute, a day at a time now and see how things unfold. I keep praying to god, let his will be done! I can not do this anymore! Help me and help him. I am done! I know its a challenge to keep an apartment going but I need a safe place to live when his drinking gets to be insane again. I am tired of running to hotel rooms and not having a place I can call home. Now, I have an apartment I can call home and know that I will be safe there. This is my plan B so far and today, he is sober and I thank god for that. How long will that last, I do not know. I keep reminding myself, that it is his problem, not mine. I will know when to put furniture in the apartment, the moment he picks up, I will be taking my belongs over to the apartment. Will this be a crisis for him, I do not know. Will this make him wake up to reality, I do not know. All I know is today, if he picks up and I move furniture to the apartment, I will be completely done with him. There will be no turning back. I know in my heart this is the last and final chance for this relationship. I do not care if the house goes into foreclosure of not. I am done! His ex-wife Donna can help him out. I am just done as can be. He will be in for a real shock when I disconnect the phone and TV and he has to pay the bills all on his own. I will not be there. He knows how close is he is having me gone for good. He knows I have the apartment and I do not care anymore. All I know is my feelings have changed a lot toward him, I do not care anymore. I have my Plan B!
All I can say is, don't be sure that he won't be violent when the time comes. I would think it would be safer to have furniture over there already, so you do not have to be packing up and moving stuff (can you move a bed and things by yourself?) in front of him when he is drunk and crazy. It would be safer just to be able to grab your keys and slip out the door.
I want to move things over but he will not leave the house for me do that. He is in the house 24 hours a day and will not leave. He is currently sober but how long will that last, I do not know! I want to move my things over when he is not here and when I feel stronger! I am still physically sick. I am to see doctor tomorrow-an internal specialist for follow-up, I will come up with a plan!
Joker, I have read each of your posts that essentially say the same thing over the past few days... And I took the message being posted today as a sign that I should share my thoughts that I had been holding back. I also went back and read many of your posts from the last several months to familiarize myself with your situation. First I'd like to commend you for the big step of getting a place. As Mattie said on one of your other threads, you are still making your actions revolve around his. Additionally you generally do not sound "done" as you repeatedly say you are. I think it important to tell you bc while you believe your actions prove how done you are, to the outside (and most importantly and probably your bf) it appears that you're not done at all. I hope you are able to legitimately move into the apartment you are (and should be!) so excited about very soon. Maybe moving and visiting him when he's sober if you so choose would be a good option. Just a thought. Good luck to you joker.
Joker - nobody but you is walking that mile in your shoes. Keep planning with your plan B, and do your recovery at your pace. Just keep focusing on you and working your program as that's what is suggested.
You've come a long way - keep working it! I do agree with LinSC - if you need assistance, the police will accompany you for collecting items.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have my own apartment and this is why my abf has been increasingly angry with me. After 4yrs he is upset I will not move in with him. He KNOWS why..I will not live in a permanent home with a unpredictable binge drinking mean drunk. Seems any of our friends he asks about this says thats not normal, I should have moved in by now. ummmm helllooo... cant they figure it out by now? Anyway, get your stuff over to your place asap. I dont ever have to worry about having no where to go.. I have my own everything.
My ah and I live in separate states. He's been a violent ass in the past too. I think its great you have your plan b safe space. Im a fan of private spaces in any event. Bean bags and blankets or afternoon op shop trips. It's yours to do with as you please, which is a beauty in itself after being consumed by alcoholism. I envy that in a good way. Keep on keeping on.
what helped me make each and every step no matter how large or small was my sponsor and my home group. This part is the "courage to change the things I can" part and during this part I learned how not to look back over my shoulder to see how she was doing and reacting to what I was doing. That stuff wasn't my business. My business was in front of me...not behind. You go girl. Prayers and best wishes coming your way. ((((hugs))))
joker it can be done because i did it! im 58 and was married for 25 rs to myxah. 8mths ago i did it. He was so out of it, it took him like a week to realize i was gone.. it cost a bit, i had a moving co with 3 burly guys move my furniture. i took care of the rest. my bro in law was happy to help[my late sister's hubby] . I posted here daily. i had a few rough spots but every morning, even though im still unemployed. I wake up happy. I have my privacy, i have my choices i have serenity
Alyce
Joker,
You are making progress and I am so glad to see that you have your own place. That's a big step and a hard step to make in the situation you have been in. Keep drawing on that inner strength. Only YOU know what is best for YOU. Keep moving forward.
All the best!
