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Im a grateful member of Alanon and ive been thinking about that lesson on expectations and how they can be the root of our unhappiness. We feel disappointed and let down and take it personally when our alcoholic loved ones can't be what we expect them to be or give what we expect them to give.
We build up expectations that are verging on fantasy and fairy stories, well, i can only speak for me because I thought my life would be like the movies with the masculine man taking care of the woman, lol. Then I got a good dose of reality in human form, my ex ah. He has taught me so much, hes woke me up to what is and not what my childish expectations said I should get. When my expectations werent lived up to then I blamed him for that and made a monster of him and a victim of me. That was all my own doing, all in my head, all of it.
In a way its simple mathmatics. 1+1 always equals 2 even when we really really want it to be more.
Hi LC thanks for the reminder about expectation. I know when I first entered program, I had no idea that my thinking was distorted by fairy tales and movie fantasies as well as my own unrealistic expectations of myself and others. It took a few go arounds with the Steps to finally dig deep enough to stop blamng others,see my own part in my problems and embrace the sane principles offered by alanon.
The key to living life on life's terms, I found was acceptance of everyone, (myself included) as they are, not, as I wanted them to be.
Thank you for your feedback Hotrod. I have gotten good at accepting others as they are, im not very good at accepting me yet and so I too am having another go at the steps again. x
Thanks Calm Lady. Its like taking every belief system we have and rethinking it. Its a life long task and for me my faulty unrealistic expectations of people and places and things are at the root really.x
Your digging deep El-cee, I can relate to this post, I did make him a monster, when all the time it was my hangups and I didnt realize it duh! What was I thinking or I should say I wasnt thinking. Or as they say the more you learn the better decisions you can make, I didnt know much back then....I like your post thank you linsc
Much of the key to my recovery has been learning about acceptance. Acceptance seems to take the wind out of my expectations. I have been unaccepting in ways I wouldn't even admit to myself, let alone to someone else. It turned me in to a passive/aggressive person, who in many ways was harder to deal with than a regular aggressive person. I could just refuse to talk to my wife for days at a time, couldn't tell her (or me) why, or even admit that that was what I was doing, but it usually had something to do with me not accepting some facet of her or me.
I have a message from JerryF bookmarked with his definition of love - "Love is the complete and total...acceptance...of every other human being for exactly who they are." I love that.
Having told my wife a number of times that I now ascribe to that definition of love, has helped her and me so much. It helps her deal with the shame cycle that is so much a part of her alcoholism, and it keeps me scrambling to keep exposing more of myself to my own hypocrisy, ever (trying to) weed out unreasonable expectations and judgmentalness of others.
Great thread, thanks for bringing this up, it's always a good day when I go back and look at that definition of love.
Thanks Calm Lady. Its like taking every belief system we have and rethinking it. Its a life long task and for me my faulty unrealistic expectations of people and places and things are at the root really.x
That is how I see this process too.
Looking at all my beliefs. Updating, offloading. I am rather enjoying it. Satisfying especially when you start to see the gifts and results of the work.
Thanks El-Cee for the great topic.....I've been having issues the last week or so with acceptance related to my friends health. I see the facts for what they are, and they paint a very grim photo. However, I am trying to have hope for the best - which between the two.....I keep slapping myself for leaving the present! So - I too am struggling to accept me - as I am - in this moment because I so often believe I have a handle on things.
I too had fairy-tale views of what life would be like. It's been intriguing to me to keep peeling back layers of me and see what lies beneath. I remind myself often that God has a plan for me and is revealing things when/as I need to see them. I am feeling a bit helpless and hopeless because of this disease and am working hard to try and accept that just for today, I am good and God has this!
I do often end most processing with, "The best is yet to come...." This is so because for each chapter in my life that's been painful or seemed gloomy, there has been a gift at the end. That gift has been growth and a deeper understanding of where I am being lead by my HP.
Hang in there El-Cee - the best is yet to come for all of us so long as we work our program as best we can, and trust our HP to lead us. I seem to get hung up between my head (facts) and my heart (feelings)....it's a process for sure!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
el Cee, I tried posting yesterday but my computer froze and it never posted, lol.
I love this share. such a great reminder that expectations kept me frozen but acceptance brought me out of denial and allowed me the chance to start living life for myself and for making loving decisions that benefitted everyone, whether they realized it or not.
Progress not perfection!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I find acceptance hard going but really it is the only way to move through things. I know when I accept my elder sister for who she is I get to a place of peace.
When it.comes to other relationships where I.have to live in the Miller it's tough going. Nevertheless it is easier to be in acceptance and keep negotiating than to be otherwise
Maresie
My expectations were in over drive last night, expecting things of hub that he simply cannot give. Just sat enjoying a hot drink now and letting the tension gently leave my body.
It helps me enormously knowing that he has a disease. A chronic one.
I am seeing my cousin in a couple hours for girlie fun and laughs. Perfect tonic.
Expectations are setting ourselves up for hurt. Live and let live is better. I do my thing. Others do theirs.
